Newcomer dealing with WAH in Midlife Crisis, EA/probly PA

[uRworthy]

Hi T, good on you for going to the doctor. It is imperative that you take care of you.

Ok, so I want to tell you a few things. Going dark should be to protect you and not as a ploy to get him back. The reason being is that while it seems like it is working at first, it doesnt work long term.

A MLC takes years. There is no quick fix. You need to decide if you want to do what's necessary to get through it, but, you dont need to decide that today.

While this plays like a game, it is not one. What you seem to be doing is playing the dance game. That is that you pull back and it draws him closer. You come closer and he pulls back. That doesnt work long term either.

As I said, going dark or dim in your case, has to be to protect you. It shouldnt be to "show" him his choices. That said, there needs to be natural consequences of those choices. Again,not as punishment, but just as the natural result of the lifestyle he has chosen.

I dont want you to think that because he sought you out that it means anything at this point.

Please know that I am not telling you this to discourage you at all. I am being honest because I dont want you to get hurt anymore than you already have.

A MLC is destined to happen. Usually it is the result of some unresolved issues in childhood and it happens normally to people with poor coping skills. It is brought about by something life changing that has happened....a death, an accident, job loss, etc. Those things trigger it.

He will go through several phases. Not all of them, not in the same order.

He has to go through all of that in order to come out the other side. If he doesnt or if it is stalled or stopped in some way, it can come back in full force again, usually even more aggressively.

You have to be willing to allow this to unfold as it is supposed to. You have to detach from his actions as best you can.

About going dim..you have the right idea...just be sure to do it for the right reason.

Be positive and upbeat when you see him. Make yourself scarce. Leave him to live his choices. Show him confidence and strength.

Do not pursue. Do not have relationship talks. Act as if you heard him in that he doesnt want to be married anymore.

This is a rollercoaster ride, T. Strap yourself in.

[TP459]

Thank you uRworthy! I'm coming to conclusion that H may have been MLC longer then these past 2 months...with discovery of him having a 3yr EA (or PA who knows). We found out our son was special needs with a genetic disorder 3yrs ago, H was heavily drinking 3yrs ago, then DUI 18mos ago (sober since), then we almost lost our house mid 2014, H in severe car accident Sept 14 & then laid off Dec 14. Perhaps he's been in midlife for the past 3 yrs but didn't leave until he got involved with new OW! Who knows?!?!

I had a good day yesterday but feeling very frustrated today as H has decided to go against Dr's orders & started driving today but Dr said not til 6/3.

[uRworthy]

So sorry about your son. That sure is a whole lot to have happen to you both.

People who are new to this have a tendency to want to look at a timeline of how long it may be that their spouse is in crisis. The truth is that it takes as long as it takes.

But it is true that by the time the spouse says he wants out, he already checked out sometime ago.

I am sorry he chose not to listen to the doc but here's the thing. While you can be concerned because you care, he is an adult. So, you have to let him make his own decisions. That is part of detaching. Nothing you can do about it, nor should you.

It is hard to let go. It takes time and constant reminding. But it is what you need to do.

He has to figure this out on his own. You cant help him do it. In fact, you shouldnt. He has to look within and fix what's wrong. You need to let him.

Tell us about you, T. Who are you? Who would you like to be? What was your childhood like? What are some things you always wanted to try?

[TP459]

What do I want?
I've been asking myself that question & at the moment I just feel numb & can't think of anything I want or want to do. I know sounds pathetic.

I live in the Northeast about an hour from the coast so at the moment all I can think that I want do is go to the beach, but it's still to cold. The beach is my happy place. I pack the kids up in the car & spend the whole day...I hate to leave!

I also like to come up with summer adventures (day trips) for my kids...we call it our Summer Bucketlist & we do our best to complete the whole list.

I'll start gardening soon so hopefully that will be a good activity to keep me busy.

[TP459]

Resources for Positive Thinking & Affirmations
Louise Hay: Hayhouse.com, hayhouseradio.com plus Hayhouse apps & there's also videos on YouTube

Subliminal affirmation apps with affirmations, relaxation & positive thinking are also available

There seems to be an app for everything just search positive thinking, affirmations, etc.

[TP459]

Today my girls had a talk with their Dad. Said they missed him & wanted
him to come home. H told me he told them that him & I weren't getting along. Not getting along is no reason to end a marriage besides how can we get along when he wasn't really here & all in it (talking to other women!). He also told the girls that Daddy is going thru something that he needs to work out...hmmm no kidding.

So again today I tried staying scarce. Made kids & H dinner & let them eat alone again. Afterwards they wanted to go to the dog park. H asked me to go along. Honestly he may have decided to drive with 1 arm in a sling but I don't trust him driving with the kids & our puppy...too much to handle with 1 arm while driving so I went along.

We had a great time at the dog park...again "we work" as a family. I know he doesn't know what he's doing or saying. Just frustrating.

[Lorelai]

Hi T,

I just read your thread. I am sorry you are here. But you are in the right place. There are a lot of people here who can help and for me, just reading threads sometimes and seeing that I'm not alone made a huge difference.

You said your H moved in with his parents? Mine is living with his mom and he said the same thing when my daughter was asking for him--call his cell don't call his mom's--and I felt the same way--wha? That doesn't sound like my H! But I've FINALLY figured out the man I knew is gone, maybe temporarily, maybe forever, maybe there was some mean personality hiding deep inside him that's now coming out... I don't know. There are days when I spend time speculating about this and then other days--especially lately when I am busy enough that I don't even have time to think about him and what he's doing.

But I get what you mean about the alien abduction. Tonight I had an overwhelming feeling of grief as I was putting my kids to bed--I realized this is because it is like someone has died--my old H, who would always take a call from me and always be happy to see me--who pursued me so hard when he wanted to date me. Now it's like I'm a nobody to him... and we have two small children together...

I too have experienced my daughter asking for her dad. She says all the time that she wants him to come home and not live at Grandma's. I've pretty much quit telling my H about these conversations because it always ends with him being mean to me--again not his personality when we got married.

Just keep busy, don't worry about him (easier said than done) do things you've always wanted to do, focus on the kids and enjoy your life, not for him but for you. One benefit of this situation I've found is it strips you naked of any fear you might have in other situations--like going after the job you've always wanted, pursuing a dream, even talking to people with more confidence. You're right when you say this is one of the hardest things you've had to go through--it is and eventually you will realize nothing else can hurt you like this, so why not go for what you've always wanted out of life?

[Zues126]

Sorry to hijack but glad you're still around Lorelai. Keep posting.

[TP459]

Thanks for commenting Lorelai. It is nice to know that we are not alone cause it's is terribly lonely situation, especially when family & friends are all living their normal, happy lives while we are in this hell.

uRworthy...you have so much wisdom on this subject. I appreciate your feedback & guidance.

Yesterday on our way home from the dog park I decided to ask H what he's thinking in terms of our business. The business is in his name but we run it together. He's always talking about us & the future of the business but on the same hand he says he's done & wants to mediate a divorce. It's 2 opposing actions to me. He said he really wasn't sure how we would deal with the business & how we would split it (cause we have been running it like partners). He gave a couple of possible scenarios. He said he was glad I asked & he would like to discuss it further. I'm not sure if that was a good idea to ask that Question. I'm not ready to move on at all.

Does anyone know how long you can stay separated. H does not want to involve lawyers he wants to mediate & keep it civil so we don't end up hating each other. I still want to go to marriage counseling, lay all our issues out & work thru them. I really believe in my heart & soul that despite everything we can come out of this with a new, stronger & better marriage. It will take some major effort for me to trust him again but I'm willing to try.

Can he file D without involving a lawyer to start the mediation process? I hope not. I plan on waiting this out & stand for our marriage.

[Lorelai]

T, consult with a lawyer on your own (they usually do free consultations) just to get an understanding of what the situation would be for yourself (It doesn't mean you're moving forward with anything, you're just getting information). Don't say anything to your H about it and don't worry about what he does right now. My H has said when he left he didn't want to involve lawyers either, but here were are six months later and he hasn't done a thing to make a move either way in the process. So get what information you need so you're prepared for the worst and in the meantime, try to go dark as much as possible (I know this is hard when you have kids). Make it clear you're moving on with your life either way.

Also, try not to read too much into interactions. My H left in November, then stayed over on Christmas Day and watched a movie and cuddled on the couch with me. A week later he acted like it never happened. He also does little things when he's here watching the kids, like make my bed and unload the dishwasher, etc. It all literally means nothing, I've learned.

Hang in there. This is tough and confusing, I know!