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Re: Losing hope [Re: kippz] #2581239
06/23/15 07:17 PM
06/23/15 07:17 PM
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Wonka Offline
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Kippz,

It is great that you and H had a good breakfast outing. You need to view H as a friend, not H. This was a nice get-together with a friend. When you get together with your friends for lunch/dinner, do you worry about their feelings or reactions? No. Same with H.

Just had a good day with H so that is a small victory in your book.

Keep going....

Re: Losing hope [Re: Wonka] #2581304
06/23/15 09:59 PM
06/23/15 09:59 PM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 76
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kippz Offline OP
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kippz  Offline OP
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Thank you Wonka for giving me this perspective.

Re: Losing hope [Re: kippz] #2583477
06/30/15 04:36 PM
06/30/15 04:36 PM
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Posts: 2,516
California US
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CaliGuy Offline
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Kippz

Seen you post on my thread .. and I just caught up on yours. To be perfectly honest there is not much detail in your thread to really know if you are piecing or not. Seems your H is attempting to be more transparent, but you have reservations ... I can understand both.

My W has been trying very hard, very remorseful for the A (which I am aware is rear for a MLCr) and we are very slowly trying to reconnect and fix the issues that took YEARS to reach a all time high that resulted in destroying our marriage.

I will say this ... your H seems interested, you are unsure. I am not picking up if either of you go to church or what your day to day interactions are ... only that H is sleeping on the couch .. but not certain whose idea that is. For my W and I communication became a big problem, we attended Retrouvaille a few weeks ago and it has been a very big help thus far, I do not know enough about your sitch to know if this would be a good thing for you and your H at this point, but I would suggest somewhere you get some help communicating.

I think your H discovered he has to earn your trust, its a slow process but it does appear he is trying.


M: 44
W: 44
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Re: Losing hope [Re: CaliGuy] #2583868
07/01/15 05:25 PM
07/01/15 05:25 PM
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kippz Offline OP
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CaliGuy,

When I write in general, I tend to not be too specific. I'm not a detailed person when it comes to telling stories, so I apologize if there was not much detail. But thank you for responding to my question anyway.

To answer your question, yes, we go to church. Even though we are/were having tough times, he would always go with me and the kids to church. I am hoping my H and I could attend a Retrouvaille someday soon. It's just hard to arrange for my parents to take care of the kids while we're away.

Thanks for reading my sitch and for giving your 2 cents!

Re: Losing hope [Re: kippz] #2583924
07/01/15 07:07 PM
07/01/15 07:07 PM
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Wonka Offline
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Kippz,

If I were you, I'd hold off on Retrouaville. Right now, the focus needs to be rebuilding the friendship. My fear is that if you broach Retrouaville as a M retreat, your H will skitter away like a scared feral cat.

Patience, my friend.

Re: Losing hope [Re: Wonka] #2583951
07/01/15 08:13 PM
07/01/15 08:13 PM
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kippz Offline OP
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Wonka,
Yes, I don't really have near future concrete plans yet on Retrouvaille. It is part of what I want for the future with H. I agree he might get scared right now. I didn't know that even now that he wants to work on the marriage, it is still a difficult journey. But yes, nothing is more important than this marriage and my family, so I can wait.

Thank you Wonka for your advice, as always.

Re: Losing hope [Re: Wonka] #2584227
07/02/15 07:11 PM
07/02/15 07:11 PM
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kippz Offline OP
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In this very critical stage, is it okay to start asking questions if he is having/had an A or not, details, etc? I want to know why the turn around. Why suddenly he wants to work on the M. Is it too early?

Thank you in advance!

Re: Losing hope [Re: kippz] #2584264
07/02/15 09:26 PM
07/02/15 09:26 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,516
California US
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CaliGuy Offline
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Originally Posted By: kippz
In this very critical stage, is it okay to start asking questions if he is having/had an A or not, details, etc? I want to know why the turn around. Why suddenly he wants to work on the M. Is it too early?

Thank you in advance!


From what I have learned/read ... Nope .. don't ask, and at this point he should not tell.

I read a column on a couple who attended a marriage retreat, the man confessed to an A he had 20 years ago ... just to get it off his chest, all this did was relieve him of the guilt but it devestated his unknowing wife, where is the benefit in this, 20 years ago had she know maybe she makes an honest assesment and figures out what she might have done .. but now .. nothing but pain.

I would guess, you are here, A or no A you want to save your M ... so why go looking for a rattlesnake in the barn? What good will it do other than bring pain.... use that energy and focus on how you can improve your R and M.

Just my $.02


M: 44
W: 44
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Re: Losing hope [Re: kippz] #2584269
07/02/15 09:38 PM
07/02/15 09:38 PM
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Cristy Offline
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Hello Kippz,

First let me say that I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

You are right when you say this is a critical stage. You want to keep things moving in a positive direction and are worried that whatever you say or do next will have the opposite effect.

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Re: Losing hope [Re: CaliGuy] #2585079
07/06/15 04:43 AM
07/06/15 04:43 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,102
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Jefe Offline
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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Originally Posted By: kippz
In this very critical stage, is it okay to start asking questions if he is having/had an A or not, details, etc? I want to know why the turn around. Why suddenly he wants to work on the M. Is it too early?

Thank you in advance!


From what I have learned/read ... Nope .. don't ask, and at this point he should not tell.

I read a column on a couple who attended a marriage retreat, the man confessed to an A he had 20 years ago ... just to get it off his chest, all this did was relieve him of the guilt but it devestated his unknowing wife, where is the benefit in this, 20 years ago had she know maybe she makes an honest assesment and figures out what she might have done .. but now .. nothing but pain.

I would guess, you are here, A or no A you want to save your M ... so why go looking for a rattlesnake in the barn? What good will it do other than bring pain.... use that energy and focus on how you can improve your R and M.

Just my $.02


I agree with this 100%.

We my wife and I started piecing I did not know about any affairs for sure. I suspected, but had no direct knowledge. About a month ago we had a disagreement about something and in the quarrel I inadvertently gained some knowledge that set me back mentally. Actually hit me a little harder than I thought it would.

Trust me when I say, if you are willing to reconcile regardless of his faithfulness, let it alone and do not ask. It serves you not. Today, tomorrow, or ever.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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