Ended the last thread on a really positive note. Trying to keep that attitude in mind, at work, with friends, with my parents, with my D... even with STBX.
I read that you are starting mindfulness training. One of the best resources on getting started is an app called Headspace.
In a nutshell, it's not about reframing, controlling, ignoring, or stopping our thoughts.
It's about changing our relationship with them. It's about being present with those thoughts, not resisting them but not letting them carry you away either.
When we change how we relate to them, we alter (not get rid of) the intensity of our emotions.
I've been reading your thread and just wanted say I can really, really relate to your situation.
my stbxh never said I was beautiful (and I am!) and was emotionally unavailable, dismissive, stonewalled, etc YET I lived in denial largely because he's also extremely responsible, successful, cool/calm/collected, etc.
Like yourself, I've realized in this D process that I didn't love or value myself, in this relationship and in life in general.
In this D process, stbxh was initially very cold and emotionless...I felt like he became a stranger almost overnight. He wants his space, but wouldn't really be respectful of mine (I was living at our house until recently, and he'd just show up unannounced or give me 10 minutes notice) to do "yard work" or whatever.
Anyway, we're in the process of selling our house right now and to my surprise (thanks to DB and 180s) it's gotten to a point now where it feels like "us" again when we communicate, but more like friends, which is what I can expect right now I suppose. My friends have told me he's noticed I'm acting "different" (whatever that means) and he's asking about me, my whereabouts, etc.
Long story short, our communication has improved tremendously over the past few weeks. Yet, once the house sells in a few weeks, I'm trying to prepare myself for him to stop talking to me altogether, only when necessary for D process that's currently underway. Because, despite the improvement between us, I know he still wants a D, which I don't understand but....I'm learning to let go. It's just easier, much easier, not to fight it, ya know?
Just an observation. Any of you with more expertise want to tell me what this may indicate about his personality? It is a pattern.
D4: (holding face). Ow! Ow! STBX: what happened? What's wrong? D4: dada, you poked me in the eye. STBX: how did I poke you on the eye? (Moves on to something else).
H and I fought often about his inability to apologize or be accountable for his actions. I've recently read something about how some people say "I'm sorry" too often, for things that are out of their control, or honest mistakes.
But can't you validate someone's feelings even if it's an honest mistake. ..if your mistake caused them harm or pain? Can't you validate someone's feeling ("ouch! That must hurt! It wasn't my intention to poke you in the eye, I hope you're ok. Do you want a hug? How can I help you feel better? ")
This isn't the first time I've seen him do this with our D. It pushes a button that's for sure.
is this a version of narcissism? I used to say he couldn't bear to be thought of as the "bad guy", so when I would express upset at him, he would debate and argue why my feelings weren't justified, rather than just say "I'm sorry I hurt you".
Mozza, I'm asking an honest question because it is behavior that baffles me. "Oh, Claire" sounds a bit condescending and patronizing. (Also habits of STBX, by the way, and one of Gottman's 4 horsemen).
Im sorry that I came across as patronizing and condescending. It was not my intention. In fact, it took me a long time to press the Publish button because I didn't know exactly how to say it. I failed.
I'm sure it's an honest question. It's just saddens me that you wonder about this. I'm not sure what would be a good answer. Even if you had a team of top psychologists studying him for a month and come up with his psychological profile, what would be the benefit at this stage?
Apologizing is hard for everyone otherwise you don't mean it. D3 started to cry recently when I ask her to apologize and I see it as a good sign. Then again, your H behaviour isn't all that good, that's right. Who cares?
What I mean is that you're still looking so much in the past. I don't say so to put you down, but as someone who wants you to be happy. Looking ahead is your ticket out of this pain, whether you want to R or not.
Think about Claire, her daughter and their future. Get excited about it.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Don't pity me. I am doing well, I think, for the most part. I don't want to reconcile. I want to know if this is me just being too sensitive, or if it is actually a sign of a personality disorder, which I guess might mean that even if I was a perfect person it wouldn't have made much difference. And if it is a personality disorder of some sort, and not just regular, solve able type of stuff, I want to know how to avoid choosing so poorly next time.
I often felt emotionally abused. Then I thought maybe I was just too sensitive. Now I hope I would never end up with a man like this again. And I'm sad that my daughter has a father who invalidates her feelings even when he is the one who hurts her. I worry what that is teaching her and how to protect her from damage. My father often does the same thing and it had a negative impact on me.
I want her to be strong enough to say, "you know, dad, I know you didn't mean it, but you hurt me, and i would like you to acknowledge that and respect my feelings instead of dismissing them."
I am thinking of my future, and my daughter.
I had such a great weekend filled with GAL activities and friends and sunshine and laughs.
I had blinders on when I was dating him, when I married him, and up until DB. I want to see him clearly now.
Since Mozza touched on what I think is important, your STBXH doesn't have to have a personality disorder diagnosis for me to say that it appears his compassion & empathy chip is not working. I don't know if it has always been that way, and I would rather you not spend more than 20 seconds answering that.
We're products of our upbringings. If our nuclear family didn't say please and thank you, or learn how to make genuine apologies, it's probably not something that comes naturally.
Quote:
I want her to be strong enough to say, "you know, dad, I know you didn't mean it, but you hurt me, and i would like you to acknowledge that and respect my feelings instead of dismissing them."
Umm, Claire, she's 3? I know people who are 40 that don't do this well. So teach her by YOUR actions. Let her catch you in the act of doing stuff wrong and then working on correcting the hurts. Besides, it takes a lot of development (that comes with age and training) to express yourself clearly with emotional responses. Let's let her get potty trained first.
Quote:
I worry what that is teaching her and how to protect her from damage.
Your job isn't to protect her from growth, Claire. It's to guide her through it. Since you appear to have had the same kind of parenting as your H doles out, I'd suggest learning how to let her see you work through your own conflicts. Put on that teacher hat, and use these teaching moments effectively. Her dad isn't going to be the last person that hurts her, and she's got an entire lifetime to learn how to work through this stuff.
It's not you, but it doesn't require a shrink to know that you're going to have to be the one to show her the way...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
