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A Message from Michele
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Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Heart14] #2557052
04/14/15 08:09 AM
04/14/15 08:09 AM
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Cherry Offline OP
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Cherry  Offline OP
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They do, but she came in or her day off for a special show. But I also work there too as of next week when I'm back from leave.

We've been working at discussing reasons etc and really talking through things. I feel I've learnt a lot about marriage these past 4 months and can see where there was cracks forming.

Yeah I guess so, he said this is behaviour he would of expected from me, and "they both did wrong". I have been silently being a lighthouse. And the thing he said ultimately scared him is he realised I genuinely was set to walk away and the fact I didn't looked phased anymore.
Definitely toxic, I'm glad she doesn't know where we live, and hoping she doesn't discover


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Cherry] #2557071
04/14/15 11:35 AM
04/14/15 11:35 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
Midwest
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Zephyr Offline
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Zephyr  Offline
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Wow, what a difference a week makes. You have been doing great with being able to pulling away from him and leaving the path back home open. Your poise has shown through so well especially with a crazy woman in the picture.

Working on the problems that ultimately caused his affair will come. Some will be easy, others are buried... I suspect those buried issues are going to take some real time to uncover and gain perspective / fix. Take it slow, protect yourself and be confident that you will come out of this better off, with or without your husband...I don't think we are ever really done working on ourselves. For the record, complacency was one of the big issues in my marriage. I spent so much effort putting a plan for our future in place then kinda hit cruise control and ultimately stopped paying attention. Pretty sad in retrospect.

Last edited by Zephyr; 04/14/15 11:37 AM.

M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Zephyr] #2557255
04/14/15 09:00 PM
04/14/15 09:00 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,746
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Cherry Offline OP
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Cherry  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,746
Thanks zephyr! Yup what a whirlwind!

For sure, I'm definitely carrying on working on me. Keeping up with my GAL activities, I feel like I have much more positive energy around me- and my skills of detachmenf are helping me from becoming angry and reacting to ow. She's acting like an angry child- I am acting calm. And I'm keeping calm and talking openly to h who is also talking and confiding a lot more in me. He keeps apologising for his behaviour. I have asked him a few questions- I felt it was better to ask him outright rather than silently beat myself up- I want to make sure we heal from this and don't harbour resentment.
Heart gave great advise about being gentle with each other, as we are both hurting- he says the guilt is eating at him. As he doesn't feel he deserves the kindness im showing him.
Ultimately, when asked - it seems DBing worked as h said he realised what he had with me, and realised that I was actually about to leave (so he thought- that was my happy at peace attitude I had).
I know this is going to be a lot of hard work. But he keeps telling me he's willing to do whatever it takes.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Cherry] #2557475
04/15/15 04:03 PM
04/15/15 04:03 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,746
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Cherry Offline OP
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Cherry  Offline OP
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This is painful. I don't think I anticipated how difficult this part would be. I thought if I got him back the hard part is done. While I am so greatful to get to this stage, it does hurt a lot. Like after being intimate the thought of the two of them came to my mind and it hurt like hell. Then there's the issue of trust. I guess this is where total transparency and honesty comes in here


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Cherry] #2557493
04/15/15 05:08 PM
04/15/15 05:08 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 157
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Heart14 Offline
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Posts: 157
Originally Posted By: Cherry
Like after being intimate the thought of the two of them came to my mind and it hurt like hell.


I can totally relate to that. H and I were just getting ready to ML one day and everything just hit me. I started sobbing and H held me close and apologized for everything he put us through. It helped calm me down and we moved on. It's totally normal for things to trigger you. Tell H what you need from him when that happens. I have read that for awhile after an A it's like you have PTSD. I think it's true. Be gentle with yourself. Time and patience are your friend.

I don't think we are ever fully prepared for what piecing is going to be. You have this vision in your mind that once they are back things will be so much better. In truth, it's still hard and it's still painful. You just have someone whose hopefully working with you and not against you now. You need to feel the pain and deal with the emotions in order to truly move forward. It takes time.

Piecing requires a different skill set than you used during the crisis. Some of its the same, but a lot of its not. I found that I still needed to make sure I was doing things with friends and taking time for myself. That's important even when you're in a good M. The communication is more open than closed now. It's good to talk with H about your feelings and the things that trigger you. Just don't let it consume all of your time. You two need to have some time that is just fun. Even though it's really hard, it's crucial to bring you two closer.

((((Cherry)))) It will get easier. I promise you will not always feel like someone's stabbing you in the heart. It dulls over time as you see the continued change in both yourself and your H. Have you two talked about going to MC now?


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Heart14] #2557517
04/15/15 05:50 PM
04/15/15 05:50 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,746
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Cherry Offline OP
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Cherry  Offline OP
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Thank you heart. It really helps to hear that from someone who's been/going through it. While I am so unbelievably happy to have him back on side and saying he's willing to do what it takes- it is hard. Plus I've never been a big talker so now knowing I need to talk everything through- as he does with me to, is a change. He said he's willing to go to counselling if that's what I want. I think like you said- it's better to deal with the hurt now and then we can move along. We are planning date nights together and maybe a break away- so there's some being a young couple together time in there


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Cherry] #2557568
04/15/15 09:00 PM
04/15/15 09:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline
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Cherry, people say piecing is really hard. And I also think there is an element of post trauma. I can recall reading about flashbacks early on in my sitch. I think both the Glass and the Marshall books pick up on this.

I also think, after DBing, it must be hard to genuinely open up to your S and become vulnerable yourself again too. Have you been over to the piecing threads at all to have a look?


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Sotto] #2557595
04/15/15 09:54 PM
04/15/15 09:54 PM
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Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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Has he committed to going to MC? Has he been willing to work on himself with a C?

Right now I wouldn't say that you're actively in Piecing. Just because he's back doesn't mean that anything will change. Besides you changing and growing with DB, HE has to be the one to change and understand why he did why he did from an outsider. Same as you did.

I can't stress enough how many people have gotten their spouse to come back only to have it disintegrate because the root problems that caused the split haven't been resolved. You need someone to help give you and your H a roadmap to follow.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: MrBond] #2557754
04/16/15 09:39 AM
04/16/15 09:39 AM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,746
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Cherry Offline OP
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Cherry  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,746
We have spoken about what had happened that made him feel he could no longer be married and what was he looking for. Essentially it was my attention and the fact I didn't listen etc. he has committed to mc, which focuses on the two of us- then see someone indivisually and then bring us back together again.

Effective communication is something we have put as something we need to lay at the foundation as we both admit that was never a strong point. And spending time together. I know it's his turn to do some soul searching and see how he can be best for him, so he can be best for us


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Cherry] #2558338
04/17/15 07:15 PM
04/17/15 07:15 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 911
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Elly4 Offline
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Posts: 911
Cherry, you are working so hard right now. It's awe inspiring to read, and hopeful for me. Just make sure you are taking care of yourself in the process. You deserve the best!


M 46 / H 43
T 24/M 18
S 4
11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY
1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom
1/8/2016 H moved out

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