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koalada Offline OP
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Day 3 after coming back to my goals. I use the weight loss app, do my six pack exercises and met a friend yesterday. We have played guitars for two hours and had a good time.

Last edited by koalada; 05/14/15 05:08 PM.

Me 46
W 45
S16 D14 S10
M 20 yrs in June T22
12/14 sleeping in different rooms
01/07/15 she said she wants a separation
02/26/15 I moved out
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
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Great work, Ko. Way to turn it around. Now you truly are working on yourself. Congrats. I am working on my own transformation.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
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Great job Koalada!

Congrats on the momentum you're building up!


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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koalada Offline OP
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Hello,

the situation right now:
Since I set boundaries to D14, D14 became cold and bit**y. Before that we have been "best friends". That is pretty painful. She has always been my "little princess". Anyone any parenting advice for 14 yr old girls? It feels like I am only being loved, as long as I play along with her plans. Now she is "best friend" with W.

I continue to GAL, W. is friendly, but a bit distant. We have polite conversations about this or that, but no R or D talk.


Me 46
W 45
S16 D14 S10
M 20 yrs in June T22
12/14 sleeping in different rooms
01/07/15 she said she wants a separation
02/26/15 I moved out
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 117
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koalada Offline OP
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Today W. spoke about her dissapointment about the job market. She applied for some jobs, but is still afraid, she might not be able to work again. I just listened and validated her emotions. Since then she became a bit warmer (a tiiiiiiiny bit).

After this conversation, I discovered inside myself this voice: "Do you want to live with this woman again? Do you really want to do it? You could make it on your own and start with a new life. Will I ever trust her again or will there always be the nagging doubt, that she might quit again?" Have some of you experienced moments like this?

S10 and I went to an exhibition and had some ice cream. It has been a good day so far.


Me 46
W 45
S16 D14 S10
M 20 yrs in June T22
12/14 sleeping in different rooms
01/07/15 she said she wants a separation
02/26/15 I moved out
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 117
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koalada Offline OP
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Today I have tasted the first honey from my bees. It is going to be a great harvest this year.
For 9 days in a row, I have done my sixpack excercises and took care of my meals. Everyday I do something for myself and try to spend time with other people. No R-talk from my side or her side.

Friday I have a job interview for a fulltime position.


Me 46
W 45
S16 D14 S10
M 20 yrs in June T22
12/14 sleeping in different rooms
01/07/15 she said she wants a separation
02/26/15 I moved out
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 117
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koalada Offline OP
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On Monday I have spinned the first honey. Beside that, I stick to my plan.
D14 is still in an emotional mess and since Tuesday she is in a psychiatric clinic for children, to get checked. She is full of fears and sadness, not able to go to school.
W told me yesterday, that she wants a conversation about R.. I have told her, that this is not a good moment to cause even more trouble for the family and that we should wait with the conversation till we get a first diagnosis for D14. I have no idea, what she wants to talk about. The last days she is chatty and friendly.


Me 46
W 45
S16 D14 S10
M 20 yrs in June T22
12/14 sleeping in different rooms
01/07/15 she said she wants a separation
02/26/15 I moved out
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 117
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koalada Offline OP
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Dear DBs, I really need your advice.

R-talk this morning:
W is confused and spoke openly about her emotions. She has signed a contract for a flat (1st of August) and has lend money from a bank. She said, that she is afraid of the next steps and that she feels overwhelmed with the task of ending this marriage. She felt left alone with this task.

She said, that she is not sure, what is the best way. She could not even think about the relationship and is afraid, that I could hurt her again. She is not sure, if she can trust me again. Her emotions were sore and she is not sure, that we are good for each other. She could understand my wish of keeping this family together and admitted, that it might have been a mistake to sign the lease.

She has no idea, how to get into a new job and she is afraid, that she might need to work full-time after a divorce. She wants to be there for the kids as good as possible.

She did not mention a separation or divorce. She would know nothing right now and could not decide what would be right or wrong.

I was friendly and validated her emotions and thanked her for being open with me. She is under a lot of pressure.

Right now I am full of mixed emotions. I am annoyed about the idea, that it should have been only me, who has caused all the trouble. I have felt good about myself during the last week and don't want to beat up myself for the bad things that have happened. I am working on my changes and stick to them and I am sorry for all her pain, but what else can I do? And I do not agree on her emotion, that the entire 20 yrs might have been a long and dark hell.

I am a bit tired of dealing with the situation. She said, that she needs a couple of days to think about it all and I have told her the same.

If I would leave, none of her problems would be solved. She would still be in a financial mess, she would still need to find a job, she would still discover, that there are painful situations in any relationship.

I really want to keep this family together, but my pride tells me, that I could make it without her and that I do not want to be "the problem" of the marriage. Right now, that is what she feels and I have to accept it, but her picture of the 20 yrs is very dark and I am angry, that she does not mention the many, many good times in all those yrs.

What do you think about this conversation and what could be the next step? I can not promise her, that she might never get hurt by me again. That would be unrealistic.

Please share your ideas with me.


Me 46
W 45
S16 D14 S10
M 20 yrs in June T22
12/14 sleeping in different rooms
01/07/15 she said she wants a separation
02/26/15 I moved out
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 117
K
koalada Offline OP
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Yesterday, while waling, W took my hand for half a minute. Our first physical contact. After that we did not speak about it.

We laughed together during the last days and she is still friendly and chatty. Are things turning into a good direction? Are there any dangers waiting ahead? I guess I can do a lot of false things at the moment.


Me 46
W 45
S16 D14 S10
M 20 yrs in June T22
12/14 sleeping in different rooms
01/07/15 she said she wants a separation
02/26/15 I moved out
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 19
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Those seem like very good signs. You are still very early in the separation and she's likely to be all over the place. Stay friendly and give her time and space to figure it out.


M43 H43
M14 T22 when it all fell apart
D12 S10
"Never have been happy" 3/2013
EA/PA since 2/2013
H moved out 11/2013
H looking to buy a house where OW can live with him 5/2015
Very cordial, nothing filed
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