Maybell XXXIV: Expecto Patronum!

[Maybell]

I can't copy and paste the link to Towanda! On my iPad so I'll have to get back to you all with it later.

This week Divorce is becoming real for all parties. STBX received the settlement agreement and he is MAD. However, I don't care, as he has paid zero attention to the distress his three children feel over the uncertainty in our housing situation. He complained that I'm hiding behind lawyers when a two hour conversation between us could settle it all. Seeing as how he and I have never managed to resolve anything in a mutually satisfactory way ever, and that he broke every stinking provision of our informal separation agreement within a couple of weeks of proposing it, I'm not about to trust my and the kids' future to such a risky proposition. If he chooses to stay mad because I'm acting on his untrustworthiness, well, that's his problem, not mine.

The kids really have needed me this week to be ON and I've been there. It's good in that I do feel stronger and more capable; I have been the one to Show Up and the kids are beginning to reward me with more openness. S7 asked a silly question that turned into a conversation about trips we can take, and so now the four of us are planning a good one. I told them we'd have to give up some things to save up for the trip -- things like cable and eating out -- and they all jumped on that band wagon. That made me really happy.

My subtitle, Expecto Patronum, is a Harry Potter reference. Dementors are evil creatures that make you feel like all the happiness has been sucked out of the world. They destroy their victims by sucking the soul out of the body. Wizards repel them by casting Expecto Patronum, which requires the caster to think of the strongest, most profoundly happy memory they can and which manifests as a kind of spirit animal made of warm light.

I don't know what my spirit animal might be, but I do have a lot to be happy about. I feel like I'm gaining back a thousand little things that I sacrificed during the time of my marriage. Things like the wackiness of my daughter who loves me, and who I'm learning to see as her own separate self. Things like the opportunity to take trips because of a first-grader's chance mistake, and teaching the kids to invest themselves in the planning.

Also, I sort of hesitate to mention this because it sounds so vain, but... I'm becoming aware of myself as attractive. Before all this happened I barely thought of myself as pretty, and I certainly never heard that I was. STBX used to make fun of me for having no sense of humor (which I do regard as a dreadful failing). But now I hear how fun i am all the time, and how smart, and not only that I'm pretty but even that I'm "stunningly beautiful" -- all the time. Even my lawyers tell me (WEIRD!).

All I can think is that I've finally gotten out from under the shadows of my parents and STBX and that the efforts I've made to be my best (with the inside and the outside matching) have mattered.

It seems like I had more to share when I wrote this in my head, but this is enough for now. I do want to remind anyone reading this to carry the "save me" banner, not the "save my marriage" banner. You are WORTH IT -- and for the marriage to be worth saving, you must be your real, best self.

[Mozza]

Here's the link to Towanda!

What a heartwarming update. It's nice to see people who get better every month. Your strength is showing more and more. I like how you handle the paperwork with lawyers, despite your H's protests.

Also, I sort of hesitate to mention this because it sounds so vain, but... I'm becoming aware of myself as attractive. Before all this happened I barely thought of myself as pretty, and I certainly never heard that I was. STBX used to make fun of me for having no sense of humor (which I do regard as a dreadful failing). But now I hear how fun i am all the time, and how smart, and not only that I'm pretty but even that I'm "stunningly beautiful" -- all the time. Even my lawyers tell me (WEIRD!).

I'm sure it's well-deserved! You come across very well here, as you can tell from your fan club. I don't know why but I always imagine you with a long, flowing dress. Gosh, I wish we all had a convention with our name tags. "Maybell?! I thought you were a brunette!"

Anyway, I've had this experience too: a few months after BD people would give me random compliments. My mom's cousin interrupted me mid-sentence to say "But you are really handsome!" I had started taking better care of myself by then, but perhaps it's something that's shining from within, as you say.

By the way, it's very possible that your H didn't get your sense of humor. A couple of years ago, I was telling a close colleague that my W loved my sense of humor and she replied "But you're not even funny!"

[Ahoy]

Maybell, perhaps the lawyer's are hitting on you! After all, they see that you're about to be single, and see you for the classy person that you are. Nice to get the compliments. You sounds so good and positive! I was struggling with anger earlier this week, but doing better now, and your positivity is an inspiration to me. I'm working on our paperwork as well (dissolution). Hoping to finalize it in the coming weeks. Can't wait.

[labug]

MB, you're a success story.

[gan]

Wow Maybell! What a great start to a new thread. Inspiring!!!

[Heart14]

MB, I love your thread title. I read your thread often and I'm always impressed with how strong and articulate you are. Keep focusing on the happy and projecting that for the world to see.

Also, I sort of hesitate to mention this because it sounds so vain, but... I'm becoming aware of myself as attractive. Before all this happened I barely thought of myself as pretty, and I certainly never heard that I was.

I don't think you should hesitate to mention this at all! It's good to be confident in yourself and your looks are a part of that. Recognizing that you're attractive doesn't make you conceited or vain. IMO, it just means you're starting to value yourself as a person, not just a mother/wife/friend or any other label we let ourselves get lost in.

I do want to remind anyone reading this to carry the "save me" banner, not the "save my marriage" banner. You are WORTH IT -- and for the marriage to be worth saving, you must be your real, best self.

Excellent advice - It's the essence of DB.

[Ggrass]

Serriously mayb,

All thru the beginning Of my stich people would tell me, how lovely I was. I too didn't believe.

These days I'm getting better, and don't let other pull me down so much.

It's great to have others validate, and mirror back some + things. It's funy today I was just thinking how far I have come in a year.

[stacey9]

Love the title Maybell, hoping some of your positivity will rub off!

[Maybell]

I'm still feeling good about my personal future but I was thinking about the facts of STBX's treatment of me in the years leading up to BD from an objective point of view (imagining myself reciting them to someone who'd never heard my story) and I just want to throw up. How could I have permitted myself to be treated as I was for so very long? How could I not have noticed that a decent marriage is a lot, lot more than I had with him?

He's been quite manipulative this week. Pouring on guilt tactics to try and get me to negotiate the settlement without lawyers so I won't demand as much from him. (This is why I was rehearsing the facts to myself -- comparing them to state law.)

I'm so anxious about the housing. I hate this part. I can't believe I let STBX so deeply into my life and that I'm so vulnerable to someone who is so uncaring about my well-being. Something I thought was a family strength only a few years ago is now an area of terrifying weakness.

I'm not going to cry. It's a beautiful day and the kids are with me. I'm finally sort of rested-Ish. I got the furnace fixed this morning so now there's just clearing up, purging, staging, and an electrical project. I will not make these errors in judgment in the future. This time will pass and things may be harder financially but I'll be dealing with knowns.

But oh my gosh, he was so horrible to me. That's going to take some time to process.

[Zues126]

Maybell, if you haven't read my post on Pyrite's thread with the number game please do so. It's something I've been trying to put into words for so long.

So many of us LBS's feel this way. We "made some mistakes" in the M but have addressed them and made some changes. Those things we did in the M were "mistakes" that have been addressed, not who we are. Meanwhile the things our WAS does DEFINE them, they are bad people that hurt us and were terrible partners. How could they treat us this way?

After reading my post you'll understand why I feel differently. What our WAS is doing is no different than what we did. Maybe a degree of magnitude, but we are all humans reacting with our own unhappiness, expectations, hurts, reactions. When WAH talks to his friends he probably tells the opposite story about how he can't believe how long he was hurt and how long he put up with it, and how he was just with a defective person. And the truth is if you knew then what you know now you might have treated him differently, and he might have responded differently...maybe even like the H you wanted.

No it's not your fault, but it's not all his either. I don't believe that's true...for EITHER of you. I think it's just a bad dance. The only difference is that he DID make the decision to leave, and what you've been trying to do post BD. You've been trying to grow, he has blamed you and doesn't think he needs to. Even that is simplified, because us LBSs can revert to blaming and denial (as evidenced by how quickly we quit talking about our problems as our WAS's do outrageous things, they make it easy to point the finger). And WAH may have grown a lot in many ways and just isn't sharing all of that with you. It's NOT black and white. It hurts me to see all the judging of our WAS's because it just leads to anger which hurts ourselves, stunts our growth, prevents detachment, and rewrites history in our own ways.

I think if we can go beyond blame, good guys and bad guys, and just see it for what it is, it's easier to forgive and let it go. That in turn leads to detachment, true growth, and the peace that will allow us to be our best selves.