Complex #7 - the green(-card) mile

[DaddyLongShanks]

It's not working well at all.

I basically built up emotions and vented.
But it's ok. It didn't change anything and the convo gave me a better chance to move on. So I'll take as much of a pragmatic approach as I can from here on.
But I basically started to give up any little bit of hope that was left, because I think only a clear cut can make me truly heal and move on ..

I know I am not an "easy patient" on this site here ^^

What you need is an injection of masculinization, and to drop the oneitis, the abundance mindset. and thank me later.

It will rebuild your masculine attractive character that was stripped out and reduced from being in a bad relationship.

[Complex]

Your link got deleted.
But ya, might be true. Although I do feel masculin lol. It's more the "happiness" and "fun" that got destroyed. I used to love my life, do fun things, listen to music, laugh my azz off, feel easy. But lots of things changed. Bad R, social and financial pressure, etc.
But I'm almost certain I can get there again. I'm still working on myself, my job, my happiness. But I'm stuck in a rough patch it feels like.
I'm pretty melancholic these days. And I really started to get afraid of the baggage I have to carry around for quiet some while.

Nothing else has changed in my sitch, only that I am ready to give in and give up on my M and move on with my life. Question is: have I done enough to make a difference, to feel ok about everything?

[Complex]

Long time no post.
No change in my sitch. Actually heading towards D
I think I finally came to the conclusion that there's nothing I can do. Had a talk with W. Pretty serious, where she tried to explain her feelings. It's surprising how sincere and legit she actually sounds. Of course much of it is script and just plain standard breakup procedure but I do sense a lot of authenticity in it.
Still hard to accept and it's just a matter of fact that we both have different opinions. But none of this matters anymore.
I'm moving on, I keep doing what I have been doing. I'm a good person. I deserve someone who makes me feel better, not worse.

Everything from here on will only go in one direction. Surprisingly W agreed on some kind of a "reconciliation/communication" counseling. Not to save the M, but to save us from fighting in the process of D.
I might still shoot for a legal separation, which will have a huge financial benefit for both of us, but I'll make the cut as clean as possible.
I won't be able to build some sort of a friendship and move on at the same time.

I will also go on a vacation in August. Somewhere South America. Can't wait.
I'll check in here more often in the process and hopefully I can help out someone else here and there, because this forum was golden.
Thanks everyone!!!!

[Sotto]

Hi Complex, I'm sorry to hear that things are heading towards D for you guys. It sounds as though your W is trying her best to be decent about things - even though her choices recently haven't been all that great.

So, are you guys starting counselling soon then? And will the focus of counselling just be to have an amicable D? How do you feel about that??

Glad to hear you are making some holiday plans. Keep posting and let us know how things go....

(((Complex)))

[Complex]

Thanks for checking in Toots.
I booked a vacation. Going to panama for a couple of weeks. Super excited.

The counseling, I don't know. It seems like W is open to cater me and come. But she fears its to save M. I just suggested it to increase understanding and communication. But I'm not sure if it'll have any benefit at all. I didn't mention it again recently.

I feel like I'm really moving on now. It still hurts of course and I'm somehow bitter about everything but I feel ok. I'm going out with friends. Got tickets to a concert/club next weekend. Vacation is booked. I'm working a lot.

Another thing: I felt like I'm finally able to speak to W about the option of legal separation, due to tax benefits, health insurance etc. She said she's absolutely not opposed to it and she'll think about it. Sounds like she's open.
But she started pushing me to get my own bank account and split money. But she's very fair about it and wouldn't even ask for paying my part of the morgage. She's very fair with the money aspect. I can't complain. But it also feels like it's her "power point".

[Complex]

So my status did not change at all. There are no options for me but moving on with my life and letting this M behind me.
There is absolutely no chance of reconciliation any time soon.
The tension also got a little more, especially after wife found out that my greencard process is supposedly going to take up to another 6 months. Plus the 6 months of waiting period of a D.

She demanded to split up bank accounts or at least that I am going to open up my own one and we start splitting finances. Also she started demanding me moving out again.
I am not unwilling to work with her since this situation also becomes hard for me and hinders me to truly start moving on.

The idea now is I will get legal advice to ensure the safety of my greencard. I will also start opening another bank account to start building some credit and to cater W to split up finances. I feel obligated to work with her on this. It is within my boundaries of what I am willing to take action on myself, but I don't want this to become the norm that she demands and I have to take the action.

I feel ok and somewhat in peace although it still hurts a bit. And the part I am most afraid of is the bitterness, I am really afraid I will be bitter about this for a while. What can I truly do to overcome this bitterness? It seems like a very hard task.

[Sotto]

Hi Complex, sorry to hear that, but glad you feel somewhat at peace. I hear you on the bitterness thing. But at least that is something we can control & work on. The Dear Peggy website has some useful content on this - for those of us who end up healing alone...not saying you will be - who knows for any of us???

Take care (((Complex)))

[Complex]

Thanks toots. After my last post I took some time off and focused on my life, taking steps towards a final separation. I'm looking for apartments at the moment, got my own bank account and credit card..etc.

W still wants out, no change. I started to cooperate since I tried so much for so long, I cannot see any reason anymore to drag this out forever. I reached s point where I moved on. I'll have a life without here and constantly take new steps. I met a lot of new people, I had so much fun with friends and coworkers recently. My life seems real fun again. Occasionally I cry a tear or two when I'm down but it's alright.
Me and W are very friendly. I made sure I'll be able to stay, all legalities should be fine for my free card renewal. We talk. We are friendly. I'm still used to her being around and I actually think she is too. Once I move out which I probably will in September things will really become clear for her and me. I'm sure she will miss me. But there is no chance for R any time soon. Deep inside I have hope left that maybe some day we find back together. But I do not build anything on that.
She told me she feels really bad about everything and I believe her.
My job is going well too, I enjoy it more and more and I see good progress in the company, so that is exciting too.

So we agreed on legal separation, we are making a slow transition in all about money etc, we will both be friendly and split up fair, get help with a mediator too, and make sure we both are on the same page. Cooperation made my life much easier, no more fighting nothing. It's better this way and I can leave this with my head up high I think without compromising any of my boundaries.

Tomorrow I'm actually going to a big wedding with W and all of family. Her cousin is getting married. Might get a little rough for me to go, but all family wants me to go so I will and I know I'll be fine. I still love them all.

I'm still a little bitter and sad and at this time I just don't know how much contact I will/can keep. It seems like we could be friends and her family seems to love me a lot. But I just might not stop loving her and it will get painful. But I decided to just see how it will go and go from there.

That's it for my update. Have a nice weekend everyone!

[RysinMn]

Complex,
Just checking in to see how you are doing have not heard from you in a while!