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A Message from Michele
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Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Lnc4Buf] #2554978
04/07/15 03:57 PM
04/07/15 03:57 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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Florida
Originally Posted By: Lnc4Buf


She says she has not contacted him at all, says he tried to call her twice but she did not pick up. Told me to check the phone records and I would see that. I did and found no records of his calls (I won't tell her I checked). Not sure how to take that. He is still her Facebook "friend". Every time she shows me something on Facebook I see his icon on the side as being a "friend". Of course this is a huge trigger for me. Do I ask her to "unfriend" him?

She has changed all her passwords and told me that if I spy on her she will leave. Says she had previous relationships with guys who spied on her and her father was very controlling and she can't stand that.


My guess is she has a second, most likely prepaid, cellphone that she's using to talk to him and text him. Or they simply use Facebook messenger.

It's not "spying" -- it's verifying no-contact with a man she has admitted she had an EA with. You cannot tell her what to do (that is controlling), but you CAN (and should) tell her what YOU are willing to live with in a marriage. "I will not remain in a marriage where my wife is still in contact with her affair partner -- or at least is trying to have the option to be -- and who isn't willing to be transparent with me. I'm doing my best to clean up my own side of the street here with my porn addiction, but I can't stay in a marriage where my wife keeps secrets from me, considering what's already happened with this guy. Looks like we both have some decisions to make."

THAT should be your position.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Starsky309] #2554992
04/07/15 04:38 PM
04/07/15 04:38 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline
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Sotto  Offline
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Posts: 5,301
Hi Lnc

I agree with Starsky. In my sitch, I had discovered an EA in March '14. I confronted my H and he ended things with her. But unbeknown to me, they started up again 2 weeks later. His communication with her was purely using work emails/phone. I had access to his personal phone. But he changed the code on his mobile device and told me I shouldn't have access to his work stuff anyway. He got really cross about my anxiety and snooping, and I doubted myself.

Guess what? The EA developed into a PA. Starsky is one of the vets I mentioned. He's extremely experienced and knowledgeable, and I would seriously think about following his advice. A strong stance is needed here IMHO.

Best of luck with things - keep posting my friend.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Sotto] #2556141
04/10/15 08:41 PM
04/10/15 08:41 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 5
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Lnc4Buf Offline OP
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Lnc4Buf  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 5
Update.
She still denies an EA. But the signs are all there. She would call him whenever I was out of town, then of course the nude pics. When I originally confronted her she was angry that I spied on her. Then said things to me like "I need space", "You're smothering me", "We have nothing in common".

She continues to tell me she loves me and there was nothing going on and I have nothing to worry about. I confronted her about the fact that he was still her Facebook "friend". She got angry again, and said she forgot (his name and icon appear on the side of her Facebook page. Every time she would show me something on Facebook I would see it). I told her I would not tolerate it and she has now "unfriended" him.

She may just be hiding it better. I don't know. She seems more distant. She hugs me but nothing more intimate than that and a kiss. She used to talk about wanting us to get away together (no kids), now when I bring it up all she talks about is bringing our son (13yrs).

I am trying to remain cool but it's hard. I have to go on a trip the end of the month and I fear she will be in contact with him.

Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Lnc4Buf] #2556145
04/10/15 08:52 PM
04/10/15 08:52 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
Originally Posted By: Lnc4Buf


She continues to tell me she loves me and there was nothing going on and I have nothing to worry about.



I would tell her "Good. Because if you're lying, I will know, and I will NOT live in an open marriage. I'm not 'worried' about it, I just value myself way more than that. Just so we're clear."

And then work on yourself, while you get some good intel in place (and by "intel" I don't mean ASKING her!)


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Starsky309] #2556190
04/10/15 11:22 PM
04/10/15 11:22 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Ontheup Offline
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Ontheup  Offline
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She is lying.
On a positive you have found out what is going on early , it seems before anything physical has happened because it will if it doesn't stop. They will find a way.
Set your boundaries. If she continues then you have some tough decisions to make about what you want to do.
Most important thing to realise is you cannot control your wife. The more you try the further she will pull away. You can only control you


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Ontheup] #2560962
04/25/15 07:28 PM
04/25/15 07:28 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 5
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Lnc4Buf Offline OP
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Lnc4Buf  Offline OP
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Ok. I think whatever want on is over. He lives on the opposite coast from us so I don't believe there was anything physical. She says she has not talked to him since I found out. I don't know if she's playing with words but she may have contacted him by Facebook message.
I am trying to monitor her computer but that is difficult. She could have email accounts I know nothing of. So far I have found nothing.
She seems to be coming back around but is still somewhat distant. She sleeps in a different bedroom, says it's because I snore, but I'm not so sure.
She used to always want for us to take a vacation together, no kids, just us. Now when I bring up vacation she immediately mentions bringing the kids. We are not intimate at all. We hug, smooch and that's it.
I am trying to back off

Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Lnc4Buf] #2561159
04/26/15 06:01 PM
04/26/15 06:01 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 586
Ohio
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mvgfwd2 Offline
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Posts: 586
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If you truly snore find someway to fix it. Elevate your head, feet whatever. My wife complained of the same thing.


Me:49 W:45
M:19 T:22
EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5
Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: mvgfwd2] #2561380
04/27/15 12:08 PM
04/27/15 12:08 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Ontheup Offline
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Ontheup  Offline
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Posts: 374
so its taken her how many years to realise you a. snore and b. snore so bad she can't even sleep with you anymore? hmmm sorry im not buying it one bit
Listen to you instincts an gut. I knew for a long time something was off but knowing nothing about affairs (pre DB), not believing for one minute my wife would ever do that and certainly not with who she has I buried my feelings and carried wondering what the hell i needed to do to save my marriage in my own little naive world.
My eyes are now well and truly opened. I no longer live in that uncertain fog.

You have to ask yourself why would your wife, someone who is suppose to love you not want to be completly honest and open with you? Not want to be intimate with you? not want to sleep with you? Just saying she hasnt talked is not her proving she hasnt talked.

Actions. They speak a whole lot louder than words.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Ontheup] #2561535
04/27/15 06:14 PM
04/27/15 06:14 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 586
Ohio
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mvgfwd2 Offline
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Posts: 586
Ohio
I agree with Ontheup. The snoring is an excuse to be away from you to do whatever she does with that time. That's what happened to me. "I can't sleep with your snoring" blah, blah, blah. So being the good husband I would go to the couch so she could sleep. That turned into her not wanting me in bed at anytime for any reason. You can see how that goes. Just gives them some alone time to conduct the A late a night while nobody is awake to notice.

I would do what you can to remedy that situation. For me it was as simple as elevating my upper body and head a little to reduce the snoring quite a bit. But that was after I discovered the EA and I demanded that we be in the same bed. I was not going to let lack of intimacy/emotional connection continue. It worked for me, but I caught onto the EA pretty early.


Me:49 W:45
M:19 T:22
EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5
Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Lnc4Buf] #2562077
04/28/15 11:04 PM
04/28/15 11:04 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
California US
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CaliGuy Offline
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CaliGuy  Offline
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Posts: 2,523
California US
Originally Posted By: Lnc4Buf

She seems to be coming back around but is still somewhat distant. She sleeps in a different bedroom, says it's because I snore, but I'm not so sure.
She used to always want for us to take a vacation together, no kids, just us. Now when I bring up vacation she immediately mentions bringing the kids. We are not intimate at all. We hug, smooch and that's it.
I am trying to back off


All this ^^^^ Yup that was my excact same position 3 years ago, about 4-5 months of sleeping in the other room so she could freely communicate with OM and really get that bond going then BD on my birthday.

She is only upset because she got caught, then tried to spin it on you and make you out to be controlling and over bearing like her father ... bla bla bla ... we have nothing in common, because this EA is a rush and makes me happy, how dare you take away my toy.

Follow Starsky on this, state your boundaries and do not budge. If she loves you she would not hurt you like this ... nor would she threaten to leave you after she was caught topless in the EA.

State your boundaries calmly and drop it, you can not control what she does nor how she feels, you can control you, and as long as I have noticed ... there are not many women who respect a guy who is 'ok' with them having relations with another man.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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