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A Message from Michele
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Wife had EA but does not admit to it... #2553497
04/02/15 12:54 PM
04/02/15 12:54 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 5
L
Lnc4Buf Offline OP
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Lnc4Buf  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 5
My wife had an EA with an old friend of 33 years. She contacted him on Facebook about 2 years ago. They would talk on the phone occasionally, but when they did it was for 1-2 hours. Sometimes I was there and she would put him on speaker and the three of us would chat.
He is an airline pilot and was even going to arrange (with passes) for the three of us to go to Europe. It all sounded innocent.
Then, on Feb 28, during a call (he had been drinking and maybe forgot I was on the call) he got very serious and professed his undying love for my wife. She was just coming back in from the other room and says she didn't hear him (the look on her face tells me she did). The call ended, she went to bed, and I sat there pondering.
So, curiosity got the better of me and I snooped into her email and found that on Feb 13 she had sent him topless pictures that I took of her on our honeymoon. One of the pictures (provocative but clothed) had the subject "Things..." I also checked phone records and found that this happened during a 3 hour phone call while I was out of town on business. I even called her during the call and she hurried me off the phone and convinced me to stay another night and get some rest.
I confronted her the next morning. She said it was completely innocent, she shouldn't have done it and his reaction was "I always loved your smile". She said she was not feeling good about herself and maybe just needed someone to appreciate how she used to look.
She also said that what he said on the phone was just the way people from the south talk (he is from the south) and it was completely innocent. I know what I heard.
I told her she had to stop all contact with him. The next day she, again, said it was innocent and did not want to stop contact with him.
Here we are a month later. She has still not admitted anything. She says she has not talked to him, but I suspect she has Facebook chatted with him.
She says she loves me and is not going anywhere. I have to travel for my job and am afraid to leave the house.
I have a DB counselor. We talk. Don't know what to do.

Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Lnc4Buf] #2553977
04/03/15 07:08 PM
04/03/15 07:08 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 586
Ohio
M
mvgfwd2 Offline
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mvgfwd2  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 586
Ohio
Believe nothing what is said and only half what she does. That turned out to be very true for my wife's EA last summer. Same deal, an old boyfriend reconnected on FB led to a lot of talking, all day and night. She lied about meeting him in person until I found pictures. Lie, lie, lie until cornered, then lie again.

You need to set boundaries. Like for me it was full accessibility to phone, email, FB, texts, etc. and a message sent to the OM, that you see being sent, that it was over and no more communication. If that didn't happen me and my wife would have a big problem. Fortunately, she complied and did everything I requested so I didn't have to figure out what the consequences might be. Since then she didn't even try to make contact.

But you also need to work on you. Why did she feel the need to go outside the marriage for some emotional lift? Work on that. The reason may surprise you and may not have anything to do with what you did. My W, for example, was getting horrible advice about issues in our M from her family that wanted her back with the OM. It wasn't until ties to certain family members were cut entirely did she start thinking for herself. We have talked though a lot of the issues and regret not talking between us over the years instead of talking to outsiders.

Remember, marriage takes a lot of regular maintenance. I found a nice little program called "Text the Romance Back". Works wonders on keeping the fire burning.

FB must be the most destructive thing to happen to marriage since the start of the internet. I hate it.


Me:49 W:45
M:19 T:22
EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5
Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Lnc4Buf] #2553983
04/03/15 07:19 PM
04/03/15 07:19 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline
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Sotto  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Lnc, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, but glad you have found the forum. There are many wise people on here, and you will find it a very supportive place. You'll be on moderation at first, and replies may seem slow, but keep posting little and often and you'll soon come off moderation.

It sounds to me as though your W is trying to down play what has been a serious event. Sending topless pictures of yourself to a man outside of your marriage is not a 'completely innocent' act. And she is down playing with comments like him being from the South. You mention phone calls. Is he a distance away? And is he married?

There are danger signals here, in that - even though you have discovered this - your W doesn't sound remorseful, and she wants to remain in contact with him.

I'm not a user of Facebook and don't understand how that might work. Are you able to monitor whether there might have been chat on this? It's a concern that she still wants to be in touch with him, given the significance of what has already happened. You may want to have a look at a thread in Newcomers, started by Sandi. It focuses on wayward wives - and I think your wife has become 'wayward' from the recent behaviour you describe.

I'm not a 'vet' (experienced poster) and hopefully others with more experience will post further. Normally a strong stance is recommended if your W has become wayward though.

Can you tell us some more about your marriage. You say your W wasn't feeling good enough and needed someone to appreciate how she used to look. Apart from recent events, have you been aware of concerns that your W may have about your relationship?

Keep posting Lnc, and we'll help as much as we can.

Take care, Toots :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Sotto] #2553989
04/03/15 07:39 PM
04/03/15 07:39 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline
Member
Sotto  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Sotto] #2554005
04/03/15 08:16 PM
04/03/15 08:16 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,218
NY
Cadet Offline
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Cadet  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,218
NY
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Cadet] #2554216
04/04/15 06:00 PM
04/04/15 06:00 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 5
L
Lnc4Buf Offline OP
New Member
Lnc4Buf  Offline OP
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L
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 5
First of all thank you all so much for your help. You have no idea how much your input means (...or I guess you probably do).
I have read and will re-read the links you have sent and they are very helpful. I am trying very hard not to pursue. I am taking care of myself, going to the gym, etc.

I have had a porn addiction for all of our marriage and I know I am responsible, or at least had a major part, for this EA. I am addressing that and attending support meetings.

The OM lives on the opposite coast from us. He is married and has a daughter who is about 13 yrs old.

We talked last night and she apologized for having hurt me, says she loves me, but still claims it was all innocent, she is not attracted to him and that she was just looking for someone to say how good she used to look (she and I were both in really great shape then, but she has gained a little with medication for asthma). She says she needs a friend she can talk to. She then went into how I have ruined every good moment in our relationship.

She says she has not contacted him at all, says he tried to call her twice but she did not pick up. Told me to check the phone records and I would see that. I did and found no records of his calls (I won't tell her I checked). Not sure how to take that. He is still her Facebook "friend". Every time she shows me something on Facebook I see his icon on the side as being a "friend". Of course this is a huge trigger for me. Do I ask her to "unfriend" him?

She has changed all her passwords and told me that if I spy on her she will leave. Says she had previous relationships with guys who spied on her and her father was very controlling and she can't stand that.

I have read Divorce Remedy and am getting counseling from Chuck.

Thank you again for your help. You all rock!

Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Lnc4Buf] #2554948
04/07/15 02:43 PM
04/07/15 02:43 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 586
Ohio
M
mvgfwd2 Offline
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mvgfwd2  Offline
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M
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 586
Ohio
For me the changed passwords and Friends on FB would be a big problem. Another man is being seductive with your W with her sending nude pictures back and she has a problem with you knowing about it? Really? Unfriend was a must for me. They crossed a line that can't be undone. Loss of "friendship" is the consequence in my book. It's you or him, not both. "Sorry W, you went too far now you have to choose."

Last edited by mvgfwd2; 04/07/15 02:45 PM.

Me:49 W:45
M:19 T:22
EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5
Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Lnc4Buf] #2554973
04/07/15 03:52 PM
04/07/15 03:52 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
S
Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
Originally Posted By: Lnc4Buf
My wife had an EA with an old friend of 33 years. She contacted him on Facebook about 2 years ago. They would talk on the phone occasionally, but when they did it was for 1-2 hours. Sometimes I was there and she would put him on speaker and the three of us would chat.



How odd. You were okay with that? confused


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: Lnc4Buf] #2554974
04/07/15 03:53 PM
04/07/15 03:53 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
S
Starsky309 Offline
Member
Starsky309  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
Originally Posted By: Lnc4Buf
My wife had an EA with an old friend of 33 years. She contacted him on Facebook about 2 years ago. They would talk on the phone occasionally, but when they did it was for 1-2 hours. Sometimes I was there and she would put him on speaker and the three of us would chat.
He is an airline pilot and was even going to arrange (with passes) for the three of us to go to Europe. It all sounded innocent.


Not to any right-thinking couple with healthy boundaries in their marriage it wouldn't.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Wife had EA but does not admit to it... [Re: mvgfwd2] #2554975
04/07/15 03:55 PM
04/07/15 03:55 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
CA
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Complex Offline
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Complex  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
CA
Originally Posted By: mvgfwd2
For me the changed passwords and Friends on FB would be a big problem. Another man is being seductive with your W with her sending nude pictures back and she has a problem with you knowing about it? Really? Unfriend was a must for me. They crossed a line that can't be undone. Loss of "friendship" is the consequence in my book. It's you or him, not both. "Sorry W, you went too far now you have to choose."


That is the right thing to do from the beginning. Don't believe what she says or threatens you with. You have to take charge of this, set your boundaries that this is unacceptable and follow through. At least she will respect you for this.
Sorry to hear. I've been there and made all the mistakes.
The thing is you cannot really TALK to her right now. She is lying to you and probably also to herself. This cannot be solved with words right now. Make yourself clear, not more and then work on yourself!


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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