Reality is my middle name

[25yearsmlc]

It is in the hours before dawn and I lie awake feeling unworthy, less than a valuable person. It has been a year. I have survived and been logical and let's be real this is just a break up. I mean far worse things happen to far better people every day. I know this logically but emotionally I feel like I must have been horrible and I hide it from most people except my H. I made him unhappy somehow and his only escape was to run. I know it is irrational but I just can't stop these thoughts sometimes. Do others feel this way? How can I move past this phase of self loathing? I fear if I don't get through it then I will never be able to truly enjoy my life again. That is very frightening.

Gwen, your question is at the root of our biggest, deepest fears.

We find ourselves here in various situations, but at the core of it all is that --always nagging, sometimes crashing down upon us - question;

"if I'm such a good person, why doesn't he/she- love me enough to stay?" And Or

"they know me better than anyone, & they're rejecting me."

Implicit in these^^ questions is the underlying fear that it is we, not them, who are to blame and that all of this is a reflection not on our incompatibility as a couple or a mutual failure or anything at all about them, but that We are to blame, and no one else.

You know in your head that it's not rational to assume ALL the blame for this, yet at some level we think to ourselves, "it's mostly us".

How can you overcome this? Well, I can only tell you a few things that helped me, including this site.

I recall an experience that helped me in particular with this.

Long ago I attended a personal growth workshop that was excellent, (I attended this for reasons not having to do with my marriage, btw and it's called "Essential Experience" in Philadelphia, and it's life changing.)

ANYHOW

there, I came to know a young striking woman who was compassionate, beautiful, funny and incredibly warm. "Valerie" was her name.

Valerie was one of those people who are appealing to many. People naturally wanted to be near her and she was very well liked in our workshop. Her eyes had a glittery aspect *& she had a great smile; all I can say is she was magnetic.

Aand yet she was reeling, b/c her h had left her for OW. She was in acute pain. Finally, she broke down, & turned to ask everyone how we could say nice things about her when it was "obviously not true".

After all, if she was so wonderful, and such a great catch, why didn't he choose her? AND she blurted out "If he once loved me, I must have blown it for him to leave for OW."

Great questions. I've met others in the same boat. I think by seeing others being abandoned and knowing they are NOT the cause of all, or perhaps any of their situation, we face the possibility that it's NOT us...

but what to do?

Herein lies the dilemma. I think its good to learn that we messed something up in marriage,

that we have something to work on, that we did play a role in the demise or struggling ordeal of our m

b/c then we are not powerless...\

In the example of I cited above^^, I have to say that I believe her h blew it. Yes he broke her heart but he was a fool, and maybe he will never realize it. Maybe he will prefer the OW or maybe they'll fail and then he'll be on his own, perhaps never picking up the phone to call his ex wife/LBS.

And the question is, so what?

I mean what if we KNEW (b/c somehow the universe or God told us

it's been determined that you are a wonderful woman.

What changes?


Everything? Nothing? See, it's possible that you are NOT at fault, per se, and that you are a wonderful person who married someone less committed to the marriage.

It's possible that his "Data" about you isn't real; it's old or just inaccurate. Don't engage him.

I think that once we as LBSers do a genuine, thorough and brave internal review, we will have work to do to become our best selves
But to be fair, we will also need to see our intrinsic value, our unique positives and why our friends love us, and

usually the reality is that IF IF IF IT is really over, and IF we have become our best selves

then we must live our lives, "from this day forward", as best we can. And hold your head high b/c you know who you are and what you ant in

Believe in & hope for the best, prepare for the worst but expect far better...

and know always that you are loved, you are valuable and you are Not alone.

((( )))

[beatrice]

Gwen, I agree with all that 25 years said - I have used a life coach, and I realised that although (from my perspective) my marriage was happy I had changed parts of myself/adapted to be married.

I still believe at the root of an abrupt and unkind departure there often lies emotional abuse, and simply dealing with that as trauma can help. It initially helped me, and others, who do not necessarily post here.. I then did life coaching etc from a less damaged place.

And many years on my xh is still unhappy, still searching for the answers. And I feel great!

[LoisB]

Gwen,

One thing that helped me and still helps from time to time...

I remind myself of all the women in the world who have been treated badly. I'm not the only one.

I think of Jackie Kennedy.
I think of Sandra Bullock.
Jennifer Aniston.
Maria Shriver.

These are smart, beautiful women. They are successful and considered worldly beauties. Yet, they were left.

If someone can cheat on Jackie Kennedy? Well, then, it must not have anything to do with beauty, brains, grace or the like. She charmed de Gaulle for Pete's Sake@!

When I look at their situations, it's obvious the problem was--like Bea mentioned--they were with people who didn't value fidelity and commitment. I agree that there is heavy emotional abuse woven in most of the situations found on these boards. Honestly looking at the issues of the abuser will set you free from the feelings of worthlessness within yourself.

[LouR]

Gwen - what you wrote was like you had been in my head and read my journal. You are not alone in feeling this way, the questioning of what did I do to cause this, I must have done something to cause this -

Until recently I took on the blame for the demise of my m, because after all, if I had made him happy he would not have left ...right ....WRONG.

Yes I played a part in it and looking back I see that I had become lost in my marriage, I had lost my individuality and became insular and lonely. My h said recently " we enabled each other" and we did, but what he highlighted was that it was not my fault, that he was equally to blame - even more so as for him his thoughts snowballed so he ran, when he should have stayed and done everything possible to mend whatever was broken for him - something he now regrets not doing.

No one knows what goes through a MLC'er head, they become irrational in their thoughts, things that they once found endearing they now find irritating, they dislike anything that reminds them of the "old" person they have become - everything must go to make way for the new them, the reinvented them and that includes their h/w - So Gwen, please try not to let this movie continue in your head, you are a good person who did not deserve this to happen to you, your h is the one who has lost out, one day he will wake up and realise that.

This is your life Gwen, you only have one go at it so make it count - don't let what your crazy h has done rule your thoughts, set them free along with him.

((hugs))

[kml]

Gwen -
Just some perspective from a few years on...
After my divorce from my husband of 24 years, I dated several men. (Yes, much to my surprise, there were plenty of men available to date an imperfect woman in her 50's). One thing they all turned out to have in common: not one of them could figure out why my husband would have left me!
My current boyfriend of two years, says he wants to send my ex a thank you card for dumping me so that BF could find me! He feels like ex gave him the best gift ever!

My point being.....all these men can't be wrong. It really wasn't me. Sure, like all of us, I had things I needed to work on, and the process here really helped me to do that. But I realize now that the issues in my marriage mostly grew out of my ex's problems and really had very little to do with me.

Let go or be dragged. Get back to finding YOU. Experience life. Pursue your dreams.

[LiveNow]

Wow. All those last several posts above? Absolute GOLD. Print them out and carry them around with you! Lots of wisdom comes out of these years of struggle...

[BrightFuture]

Absolutely beautiful posts! Exactly what I needed to "hear" today.

[LoisB]

I forgot Cleopatra and Princess Di.

[123Gwen]

Thank you all for your beautiful wisdom. I keep rereading your posts and trying to reframe the narrative. This setback just really hit me hard but I know I will get through it. Unfortunately we can't speed the clock up or slow it down.

Thank you all again. I just can't express what a lifeline this forum has been for me over the past year.

Thanks for listening and for accepting and for truly knowing what it is to be trying to navigate your life as a LBS in the land of MLC. It is not something most people can't understand unless they have first hand experience.

Ok. No looking back for the next day or two. Just rereading your posts and looking ahead.

[123Gwen]

Got through my birthday. Not really feeling in control but understanding that this broken shoulder is a temporary setback albeit a discouraging one.

I keep feeling like I am flirting with depression. One step forward and three steps back. Feeling less than worthy or lovable....it is irrational thinking but not sure what is rational or real. I just don't trust or know myself. Being at home with too much time to obsess.

I need to feel like the ground is stable but I just can't seem to find my footing.