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Arcola Offline OP
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I hung out with a friend of W and I at the bar tonight. Pretty good GAL. I did mention that we were S when he asked how the family was. However, I didn't tell him the full story. I left it at we have our issues we're trying to work out and he didn't inquire any further. Its too late in the sitch now, but if there are any other mutual friends out there that aren't aware that's the approach I plan to take. I don't think its right to make her look like the bad guy with mutual friends.

I've started reading an older thread here,

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1603624&page=2

in hopes that I can gain some insight to what the WAW is thinking. Its goes along with what vets have said on this thread and others, but I've been wading back and forth in what I should do.


Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
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Arcola Offline OP
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Hello DBers. I was wondering if maybe I'm doing too much when it comes to getting W a gift for Mother's Day? I got the idea because I received a Groupon email for Mother's Day gifts. Last night I bought W a necklace with a pendant with 8 birthstones. Each birthstone on the pendant signifies each child we've had except one represents twins we had. Prior to sitch W and I have lost 4 children either still birth or premature. Moreover, their are engravings on the pendant that say the words "All My Angels" and (heart shape) Always

The reason I ask if its too much is
1) Our sitch
2) On past Mother's Days the gifts haven't been sentimental aside from the card

Its already bought because I didn't want to miss out on personalization and it arriving on time. Also, since sitch and working on 180s I've not waited to the last minute (1 - 2 days before occasion whether for her or children) to get a gift.


Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
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I would make the gift very much about the kids and not at all about you. Maybe they could wrap it - each doing a layer of wrap or something. Or make a bigger parcel and she undoes the layers and there's the little box inside. Hand or footprints from your little ones and so on. Plus cards from them. And very much stay in the background, so it is from them and they enjoy giving the gift.

She will know that you got it, but you got it from them to her...

JMHO :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hasn't Mother's Day been and gone? Has in the uk

Anyway I agree with toots. Get her something she wants or that the kids want to get her. My d8 (me)got w makeup bag and some makeup. Nothing sentimental at all. Anything sentimental will be seen as needy and pursuing and she'll see straight through it


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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This year mothers day is May 10.... It's the second Sunday in May for the US


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Arcola Offline OP
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Toots,
I'm finding it difficult to distinguish the feelings between a gift I want to get her and helping the kids with a gift. I think the necklace which is about the kids might be taken as "Oh he's trying to impress me.", but I also take the same with me helping the kids make her a gift. The reason I feel this way about the kids gift is because in the past she's always been the one to get involved with them in crafts and I'd be on sideline maybe helping some. If by what you mean from the kids, me going in the store, asking them what they want, and bringing it home and see what happens...yeah I can do that.

About three months ago and X amount days I thought it was Mother's Day. Once I realized it wasn't I made myself a note at work of the correct date. That being said, I knew the date was near, but I also wasn't thinking of the WoWing her gift.

I know my marriage is dead and may or may not turn into something better. I say that because the gift is personalized, cost $140 (no refund) and if not given on Mother's Day I don't see how it would be appropriate any other day down the road.

Last edited by Arcola; 05/03/15 11:29 PM.

Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
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You said it on the first line "gift I want to get her"
You shouldn't be getting her any gifts. It's just pursuit. If you wanna make something with the kids then that's great as that's about spending some quality time with them.
I'm still annoyed that I only found out Wifes affair after Xmas by which time I'd spent a load of money on her Xmas presents!! Ce la vie


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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Arcola Offline OP
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I didn't get wife anything for Mother's Day. I wanted to at least get a card, but I definitely didn't feel about W like the romantic ones read, and the funny ones didn't reflect my feelings either.

Today W took the kids to her friends house for Mother's Day. Earlier this week I had asked if I could take her and the kids out to eat Sat. and she responded that we should take the kids to do something and she didn't want to go out to eat. So I agreed, but Saturday's plan didn't happen as D9 had a sleepover and would need to be picked up at noon (the city we frequent for recreation is about 1hr 30min away). She did offer to still go that evening, but I said no, because I had other plans. I mention Sun. and she said she forgot about her plans with her friend so Sun. wouldn't work.

So today I went out myself and did some gambling, eating, shopping. I ended up bringing W back a slice of cheesecake. I thought it'd be a nice gesture since I know she likes this certain kind and we don't have a Cheesecake Factory in our town.

2.5 months ago I snooped and found out W had met someone at her other job. I couldn't confirm whether it was PA or not, plus I was referred to as her ex. After finding this out I confronted her about it and went LRT since she stood by she didn't feel like she wanted to work on our M. Since then and me practicing LRT, nothing has improved between W and I. No D talks or S talks (although we're already S). Most of our talks are about the kids or some other asset we share names on that needs to be paid. I know I'm practicing LRT, but I'd say out of 100 conversations, less than 10 have been about anything more than the aforementioned.

Also, I truly believe W has an OM or OMs. There's been a few outings she's had with a group from her 2nd job, and there's always this coworker guy with her, next to her (me snooping Facebook posts). A couple of weeks ago she went to a wedding and I kept the kids, and later saw that this coworker guy in pictures with her, they rode together in the back seat of her friends car to and from the wedding. D9 has mentioned the guy coming over a couple of times with or without his sister. From pictures I've seen his sister is probably 11 - 14. Also, W taking him some egg rolls although supposedly per D9, D9 took the eggs rolls in to him or on the porch. Lastly, there is still the selfie she took for a coworker at her 1st job some months ago.

On a family note, we have a date in July set for adopting S1, S4, and D3. I'm anxious to see if after that W will file or have a "talk" with me about our sitch. We had to stay married in order to adopt the kids.

Its almost a year now since my sitch started. I do still think of W from time to time and have hope that things might turn around, but its tiring. I'd rate my GAL on a scale of 10 at 7. My overall attitude around her is happy go lucky, but as I just said this process is tiring. Lately, I've felt like throwing in the towel. Despite wanting my M to be turned around, I'm starting to long for female friendship. Yes, I'd like companionship, but I don't feel like that is best for right now.

At this point would I be headed down the wrong path to seek female friendship? I know it seems cover-up to say friendship, but I would like some interactions, GAL with a female.


Me:30 W:34
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Did you say you were adopting 3 very young children in July? If that is true please rethink the situation you are locking them into. Using these children as pawns to win your W back doesn't sound like a positive environment for them.


Me:49 W:45
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Arcola Offline OP
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We had the kids in our care at least 7 or so months before BD. Since BD, I've always thought how terrible it is they'd be adopted into this mess between her and I. I also feared child support for 5 kids. However, I love these kids we are soon to adopt. My oldest, D9, we got in our care at 3 and adopted at age 5, and D4 is ours. So I began to look at it as if this doesn't work out between W and I, somewhere down the road, the truth or what is believed to be truth will come out and they'll (the ones we're adopting) think, "Oh, he didn't want to be my dad." I feel I'm coming off as defensive, but you'd be surprised at what a 3 year old retains. D9 which got in our care at age 3 remembers he mom in jail, her sisters going with their grandma and not her, and the family she stayed with prior to being placed with us.

If I were to not be a part of the adoption, I'm sure she'd still adopt them on her own. But as I mentioned above, I'm not leaving them hanging. I guess I'm blind when people question me on still adopting these kids. However, they definitely aren't being used as pawns. The only thing I wish to accomplish by adopting them is that I'm their dad. D3's paternity dad is who knows where and S4 and S1 paternity dad is in jail for 30 plus years from now. Fostering these kids for the time we have, they are like my own and I feel that way about them.

Last edited by Arcola; 05/11/15 07:58 PM.

Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
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