Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
M
Mozza Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
Oct 14-28, 2014 | W cheating and near-separation in 2009, search for explanations for BD 2014
Oct 28-Nov 4 | OM confirmed through kids on Halloween, refocus on me rather than blaming W
Nov 4-10 | OM confirmed by W in email, strollergate, W has problems at work, unexpected blind date
Nov 10-18 | Lunch with W went well, reflections on being dumped, kids and OM
Nov 18-Dec 8 | W warms up but OM set to move in in January, W's birthday email
Dec 8-Jan 2, 2015 | To be nice or not to be, two trips make me feel better, office party video
Jan 2-16 | Turning down lunch invite, telling W I need to move on, W emails about D
Jan 16-31 | WAW wants to change job, move to her country, I agree to meet
Feb 2-25 | Plans for moving abroad are nixed, D papers are delayed at my request, flirting experiments begin
Feb 27-Mar 24 | D7 birthday plans, PMA crash, serial cheating, dating debate, detachment at last?

My story
After 9.5 years together and two kids, my W announced in early September 2014 that she wanted a separation. A week of pleading and begging didn't change a thing. She said she wanted to be free, alone, find her true self, that I was criticizing her too much, that we're incompatible, that she was unhappy and no longer in love with me and she didn't want to live with half-emotions. She had told me before of some of those complaints and that she was miserable. We had not yet addressed everything, we would fight more than average, and I wasn't changing fast enough, so she was growing hopeless that things would improve.

A week after BD, she moved out. A month and a half later, she confirmed my suspicions that she was with a coworker, met at the new job she started a month before BD (after a year of job-seeking funded by me). A good listener, 10 years younger than me, better-looking and athletic, he'd been courting her from week 1 and was omnipresent throughout her move. He moved in with her in January. Our two daughters know and like him and generally take the S in strides.

DBing
I accept responsibility for what I did in the M, by being too critical and dismissive of my W's feelings. I understand that my W was looking for something she wasn't finding in the M. I sometimes understand why she left, since she was miserable, and sometimes think leaving was too strong a reaction for the situation. I tend to blame her flight reflex and unrealistic expectations for love and family life.

My stance at the moment is to let her live her life while I reflect and try to focus on me. In January, I told her I didn't want to interact beyond the practicalities of the kids because I need to move on. I'm good at being silent and distant so the "no pursuing" rule is easy to apply for me. After six months and little contact, I can say that detachment is starting to take hold. I see a therapist since BD.
_________________________________________________

SUCCESS STORIES
I update this list every time I start a new thread. Feel free to make suggestions, especially with links to threads. I wish we had room in our profile to tell our story so that the vets and other successes could give us a quick summary.

Reconciliation
Thornton (M) - May to July 2014
Train (W) - Reconciled in 2014
Labug (W) - March 2011 to December 2013
HopefulStill - reconciled in 2012
minkerman (M) - Reconciled after 4 months in 2008
25yearsmlc (W) - 2005 to August 2008
FaithfulH - Reconciled in 2007
sandi2 (W) - 2007
Coach (M) - 2008
MrBond (M) - Used to have another screen name
Starsky309 (M) - (ChocolateEyes, Puppy Dog Tails) - Aug 2007 to 2009. Exposed his W's A.
Butterflymom127 and FavoriteWeirdo - Thread
LITB (M) - December 2010 to May 2012
Raine (W) - Dec 2012 to November 2014 (MLC)
ReachingHigher (W) - April 2012 to May 2014
SM34 (M) - December 2012 to December 2013
(newly added) AliSuddenly (W) - H left in January 2008, moved out, had OW. Piecing May 2009, married July 2010
(newly added) kalni (W) - BD on November 2007, piecing in January 2010
(newly added) Angel61 (W)- BD June 2010, H had EA, Retrouvailles November 2011

Piecing as of 2014-2015
(newly added) T0324 (W) H leaves in Febr 2014, filed for D, had OW, piecing fails in Aug 2014, piecing again in Mar 2015
Crimson (W)
Heart14 (W) Signs 2014-02, DB 2014-07, Piecing since 2014-07
Nitty - BD in December 2013, piecing as of September 2014

Letting go
Love2Surf (M) - March 2010 to 2012
pearlharbr (W) - November 2008 to June 2010 (19 months)
Snow White (W) - 2008-2009. Let go when her H wanted back in.
Drew (M) - 2008
BigMac (M) - June 2014 to February 2015 WAW offered R at the last minute and he turned it down
(newly added) Underdog (Betsey) D final in May 2005

Resources
Validation | Boundaries | Detachment | Acronyms | Stockdale paradox
(newly added) The sandi2 collection: The Wayward Wife | It takes time | Letting back too easy

Media
Articles: How to handle a heartbreak (NYTimes) | HuffPost: R after 43 years
Podcasts: Reunited (This American Life) Couple remarries after 2.5 years. | (newly added) Cheating (Death, Sex and Money)


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
M
Mozza Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
So, looking at the success stories above...

IMPORTANT PSA FOR NEWCOMERS
Have a look at AliSuddenly's story. Her H left her almost overnight, he moved out, had an OW and a year later, they were still apart and AliSuddenly wanted closure. Yet, four months later, they were in piecing. Also, crucially, she detached before it happened. Sounds familiar? You're 3-6-9-15 months into an "impossible" sitch? Please, please read this and understand how DB works. While you're at it, notice how long an average sitch lasts: the newly added reconciliations went on for 16 to 27 months from DB to piecing. Stop spending time and energy being pessimistic or guessing your chances of R. Focus that energy on you and on DBing for real.

Here's something that HeavyD wrote on on her thread about the success stories.

Originally Posted By: HeavyD
I wanted to thank you Mozza also for being so positive. I really like your success stories that you thoughtfully compile and share with the readers. I know it must take a lot of time and energy to do this. It's a nice way to give back and I admire you for it.

Thank you so much. Yes, I spend hours on this list. Researching, writing, formatting (pesky HMTL!), etc. Every time, it's nice to hear that it's appreciated. It's indeed my way of giving back to the community. I'm very grateful to everyone who provides leads to success stories and resources, like jim0987 who found AliSuddenly, kalni and Angel61 last month. Keep 'em coming.

Once again, I'm happy that my last thread covered a longer than usual period, almost four weeks. My sitch has calmed down a lot and I need to get things done rather than report the play-by-plays for advice or effect. It's almost funny: my WW has probably no idea that I'm spending all this time getting over the S. And that's the plan.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
R
RAI Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
Hi Mozza,

Since you are the boundary guru, can I bother you to check out my thread really quickly for some advice on setting my first boundary with my WW?

RAI

P.S. Sorry for the oh-so-brief Hijacking. I don't know how to address specific members.


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
R
RAI Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
Oops, I think I meant Wonka. Nevertheless, you valued input would be appreciated.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
M
Mozza Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
Yesterday, I reflected on what I'm doing to become a better man. Today, I found this post that I wrote on January 2. It all still applies and I'm proud of it.

Originally Posted By: Mozza
Here are the things I learnt at and since BD.

1) Speak with my actions. When I catch myself about to say something about who I am, how I think, my values, etc, I shut up and demonstrate it. I enjoy it greatly because it feels genuine. It's the same with an apology: I make it short and I make sure to be careful next time rather than come up with an excuse. Also, I observe my actions to define who I am. It's more demanding.

2) Let go. Now that I've the opposite of control over my W, I've no choice but to let her do everything she wants her own way. It's been liberating. Oh, in the moment, I wish I could influence her, but over time it feels much better to have accepted things be done differently and that we get along.

3) STFU. On this board and looking at old emails between my W and me, I see that my desire to clarify and nuance everything got in the way. It restarted arguments that were settled, it dragged on discussions while we could have used the energy elsewhere.

My mom also volunteered yesterday that she noticed I'm more patient than ever.
________________________

And now, importing posts from the previous thread.

Underdog | Thank you so much. You had me re-read my own post to realize that, yes, it is uplifting. I assure you that it's all genuine to my feelings. By the way, I added your success story under the Letting go section above.

Miler | Thanks for stopping by and making me the recipient of your first post outside your own thread! wink To what do I owe the honor?

Labug | Thanks for adding your perspective to the dating debate. I will get back to it soon and will address everything in more details. I think it's good to sleep on it for a little while.

RAI | I replied on your thread. Hopefully Wonka will also stop by and give you the whipping that you deserve. wink
________________________

GAL Report | Major GAL ahead! Today I bought tickets for a 3-day music festival at the end of July, with some 40 bands. I haven't been this excited about a GAL activity since BD. It's just perfect: I'll get to meet new people, to make the most of a central summer week-end, listen to music and dance. Oh I'm so looking forward to it. I'm grateful that I get to do this. As for today's GAL, I had lunch with a close friend.

Work Report | I called my parents for 2.5 hours this morning while I was getting things done. I would chat with them and describe what I was up to, then listen to their stories. It's what I needed not to fall into procrastination habits. As a result, I reached most of my goals for the day. Much better than yesterday anyway. Working alone is hard.

PMA Report | It's a bit down overall from yesterday, apart from a few ups when I think of the music festival. D7 caught me at the dinner table on the verge of crying and said "You look sad" to which I replied "Yes I am. Are you also sad sometimes?" She didn't ask me why I was sad, thankfully. I don't have a ready made answer.

Detachment Report | A sign that I'm holding to detachment by a thread is that seeing a list of email exchanges with WW pre-BD reminded me of the good days and I could barely hold it in. NC is so much more about me than anything else.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
Hi Mozza,

You are really amazing. One of these days you will report that you are giving marriage counseling. You have so much knowledge about this whole thing, it's impressive.

Thanks for posting all the success stories, I can probably say for all of us here in these boards that it is very, very helpful to have it all organized in one place. You are awesome.

Regarding your sitch. Well, I think you are in the right track, time will go by and things will change. No R is perfect and your W is not going to be an exception. Sooner or later she will think about what she had and what she has.
She is risking to lose you in the process.

The picture is sad, but the story is great. It's very nice that you can spend time with your kids. That alone is a reason to stand tall and seek happiness.

You are an amazing person Mozza, keep the hard work.

XOXO
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
Hi Mozza,

I was thinking about you yesterday when I was driving back home from my L and started crying hard.

I remember your words saying it is OK to cry. That with time it gets better and we start giving more importance to ourselves and it does not hurt as much.

Help, comes from strange ways.

Thanks for being in my toughs yesterday, I felt better.

Take care,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Mozza here is another link for you

MLC Success stories this thread I had re-done in 2012, although the latest purge may have taken some of these links away too.

Please be careful including links that are from outside of DB.
That is not really permitted according to the TOS.

Good work on compiling these lists.
I know someone else that is good at it too. smile smile smile


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
M
Mozza Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
I'm not sure why I don't post more about my sitch. I think I'm bored with it because so little happens with WW. Also, some of my thinking is stinking thinking, like wondering if we could ever be back together, if I would want to R after two As. As I wrote to others, it's a moot point not worth my time at this point, so why would I bother bringing it up here?

Because of the discussion in sandi2's thread, I've been wondering if my stich is different because my W left me when she developed an EA. I don't think so. Is it necessary that the W has acted outrageously to be a WW? What if my W gave me fair warnings, lost love and hope, then met someone, left me and then started a new R? All options are still open. Again, it's not something I focus on (I wonder if the data would support this) and I even try to block the thoughts of R, as I focus on myself and my own future. I find it healthier and more thrilling.

D7 is having some behavioral problems at school. I got a call from her teacher. One of the problems is lying, something I brought up and the teacher said that it's also an issue at school. I was quite hesitant, but I did tell the teacher that there had been a lot of lying around the S. We nevertheless agreed that the issues were likely not related to the S. This lead to an unusually long email exchange with WW where we talked about what we'd do. I'm glad that even though I don't like being in touch with her, I took the time and courage to communicate normally on this. As a married couple, we would have talked about it much more and come to a more nuanced or detailed conclusion, but I guess it's normal that certain things are different now, as a S couple.

BTW, WW asked the teacher if she thought that the problems were related to S and the teacher said no and that I had agreed with this (WW and I spoke separately with the teacher, me first). When WW wrote me this, I was thinking: "Why are you even asking? What difference does it make?"

I participated to a study on heartbreak and suicide. I've never had suicidal thought, not beyond thinking that it would be a good time for cancer to strike me. It was mostly questions on a scale of 1 to 7. It made me realize how much progress I had made in six months because I was often at the good end of the scale (good sleep, eating, etc.). The only thing that stood out for me was my lack of interest and energy in work and any projects. The researcher came to my place and stayed for 90 minutes. She was a very cute doctoral student and I was very sorry I had to kick her out to go get the kids. Oh well, our love was impossible because of the ethics code anyway.

______________________

Pink17 | Haha! I don't know what I've done to deserve such compliments and the Nice Guy in me wants to hide under the carpet while begging for more. If I'm ever a marriage counselor, I will be the Simon Cowell of the profession - just ask Calibri, RAI, Barry and claire7.

I certainly hope it's OK to cry because I did it every single day for six months. It seems like this sentence can't quite convey the magnitude of the experience. I hadn't cried for like 2-3 years before that. Yes, it gets better. I feel OK that I process my emotions this way rather than through alcohol or drugs. Good on you for crying in the car. Give it up, woman!

Cadet | Thanks for the link to the MLC success stories. I have a tab open on them and I should get to them eventually. I should also check the piecing board for more recent examples, which can be encouraging to newcomers. As for linking, thanks for the reminder. My experience is that it is tolerated as long as it's not to a competing method or website, which I understand perfectly and avoid doing. By the way, I was thinking of formatting your welcome message with hyperlinked words to make it more compact and easier to read. Would it be of interest?
______________________

PMA Report | The tears are back. They're not daily, but I did cry a few times this week. Not as badly as in the past. I cried about being sad; it was a lot of self-pity again, a lot of "poor me". I don't know what to think of it, other than I'm happy it's receding.

Flirting Report | I went bowling at a political fundraiser last night. We had so much fun. Bowling is a great flirting opportunity because it gives you something to do and talk about, some down time to talk, chances to meet many people, material to joke around, lots of laugh, etc. This girl and I ended up playing just the two of us at the end of the night and we were laughing a lot. I invited her for a drink and we went nearby. Again, lots of laugh and stories to share. I was surprised at how easy it was and also rather happy that this was really open ended. I was not interested enough to ask for her phone number, but I enjoyed the evening a lot. We parted ways at 1 am.

The larger flirting discussion is not over. I think about it quite a bit and I'll get back to it.

IC Report | My IC noted that I used the word "permission" while describing certain things I had done. He noticed that it does not designate a new desire, but rather an old one that is finally allowed to be satisfied. I find it very interesting for anyone who's on a path to self-discovery. What would you give yourself permission to do? What won't you? What does it do to you to deny these desires? Why do you?

Last edited by Mozza; 03/28/15 03:52 PM. Reason: Reply to Cadet

M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
Mozza,

Following you lightly for months. Glad to see you are getting to a solid point and enjoying your flirting self.

Permission...I am looking forward to giving myself permission to be self-absorbed a bit instead of so focused on him. Something my H claimed I always was (self absorbed and selfish). Who knows. If true, maybe I am happy that way. If not, I am looking for permission from myself to be my true self, the one that was so happy when I met him. Lively, flirtatious (not in a sexual way - a way that for men or women, I enjoyed laughter and showing appreciation and enjoyment of them), self-assured. I think I denied these desires because my partner didn't celebrate my spirit in the beginning. In the end, it was all about him. I can't wait to get back to being my old self.

If you would be so kind to take your Simon Cowell self over to my thread, I would sure appreciate a nice big 2x4. I know I need one, or help extracting my head from a place it shouldn't be. You once made the comment that your IC thought you self-destructed your M (or something along those lines?) Interested in your point of view.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard