Part 17 - Edz, living in interesting times

[edz]

Part 16 is about to lock so begining part 17.

Well...that was a day.

Both s and I slept in this morning once I woke up popped in to check on him and he'd only just woken up. Did my morning exercises, showered and got myself sorted and dressed.

S was blue again this morning so we edged into the day. Mid morning w texted me to see what the plans were for today. Said this was a relaxed day nothing much planned maybe a day out with S. She texted back well if there was an option for caffeine or food let her know (paraphrasing). Arranged to pick her up at lunchtime and we headed out played minigolf and then down to the seafront and had a nice lunch together. At least one I noticed w looked relaxed and calm and she did slip and say darling a couple of times, didnt make a big thing out of it but it did make me feel happy have to admit.

Afterwards s's stuff was still at the house so we headed back here. s headed upstairs as he wanted to watch a few youtube videos on the tablet. W took up the offer of a glass of wine, poured her a large glass since she wasnt driving and we we talked, a lot.

We covered a lot of what had happened, w among other things said when she left she had no intention whatsoever of seeing me ever again, that if she hadnt seen me again it would have been fine. Thats not the case now, she cant say she's counting us back in but she no longer counts us out. We discussed a lot of issues we'd had the problems I brought to our marriage and how I got there.

W opened up to me on what us reuniting would mean to her and her relation to or possibly the end of her relationship with her mother and a lot more I wont bring up here. It was very very open w several times said "well if were being frank and open" and then talked more, I validated my soul out and never once argued, everything she brought up was something I'd dealt with in councelling and knew was an issue once or twice I think I suprised her with being frank and commenting I'd known this was something she'd had an issue with.

It was very clear that communications had been responsible for some (not all) of our issues, some down to MIl and w's relationship, w agreed mil is a narcisist and the issues its raised and the painful choice she feels she now has due to confiding in her mum in the early days of our issues and some simply down to my depression and failing to have help when it could have seen off some serious issues and damage to my m and relation with s.

W confirmed the changes in me are why we are talking now.

Eventually w had to go back as her cat needed feeding. I tried to ensure w felt comfortable and at no point stressed. So took both s and w back and was invited in. W had some work to still do on her emails regarding her work so I helped out bathing s reading to him and helping getting him ready for bed, tucked him in and settled him. Helped soothe him he said to me he's very happy mummy is happier being around me, in terms he could be happy with said Im very glad of that but we still have a long road and n one can say where we will end up but mummy and daddy will always love him and take care of him. He settled and went to sleep.

I asked w shall I go she was happy for some company so I ended up staying while we watched some TV her in the armchair me on the sofa while we chatted about the show and about us in a roundabout way.

Afterward headed off home, checked in and found while w was playing minigolf she'd posted on facebook she was playing minigolf and feeling relaxed. Texted her a thanks for today and hope she sleeps well I'll catch up with her soon.

So, all in all, a busy day.

Let's see what happens next.

Thanks all.

[Sotto]

Hi Edz, all sounds pretty positive - pleased for you! Best to keep any expectations at zero, and not appear 'keen' either. Just be Mr Supercool and get on with your week - not too available and responsive on texts etc. Not issuing invitations or pushing for more. Think timid squirrell. Your W may have a reaction as previously, and withdraw a little....

Sounds as thought there's a positive direction of travel from BD to here though!

[jim0987]

Morning Edz. As I seem to say so often - I agree with Toots.

Sounds like really positive movement from the absolute position she was in and irrespective of what happens next it shows that the changes you have made are good for you

[rd500]

Just agreeing with the above posters Edz, I would always advise caution because of Edz feelings but this is a big positive. Take it as such but don't dwell ( as if you would ! )

The more positives that you get , the more PMA for Edz and that has to be a good thing

Take care. Rd

[gan]

It's smiles from me, too, Edz. Keep on keeping on!

[edz]

Thanks guys.

I'm actually positive about it all today, slept well - if I did have some trouble getting off to sleep with so much in my head.

It was the limbo that was killing me and the fact w would not open up, we started that yesterday as well as having some nice family fun and good times together.

I'm under no illusions all is resolved and w will move in tomorrow. If w does decide to work with me it will take exactly that: work. What shape that takes could prove interesting as w & s are obviously presently in mil's owned flat - if her relationship does break down over a potential reconciliation things may move faster but I'm guarded against either of us rushing too fast I don't want her to then feel stressed or suffocated.

W raised my boundary yesterday, I think it confused her that I was trying to say its all or nothing; marriage or no friendship.

Again, we spoke about it and I tried to explain it's not a threat or an ultimatum. I can't just switch off loving her, if she decides she is through I cant then be in close friendly contact (at least for a long time) without wanting more than that and that was the meaning, she understood it then.

Throughout she kept bringing up her mum, I got the impression that's one of her primary stalling points now, she even said well we could elope (said she was joking). I said no problem I'll bring the wheelbarrow around.

Lots of issues around her stress and s and how her dynamic is now changing as well - how that's hurt after 10 years of it being just the two of them really interacting and spending time together in activities (actually 5 as I was very involved up until we moved back into the flat which was the real start of our issues from what we've really established in the past few days. But as with most things, I let it go as the point is valid as is her feeling).

Now she's starting to feel stressed though and admitted some weekends she's actually quite happy to have s come over to me for the break. 24/7 is a difficult prospect and I validated that anyone in 24/7 face to face contact is going to see a strain on a relationship no matter what relation. Interesting though as its what she wanted for so very long.

As I said it was a very broad discussion and I put no limits on any issues she wanted to raise nor became defensive, after all these are her feelings on the m and her experiences. I've also worked through many of them over the past 8 months.

Ultimately she seems to have two points holding her back right now; memories of the past (although a lot of yesterday she was envisioning future options or talking about good times) and her mother.

Both her friends (over many, many years) and I (again over our entire relationship) have tried to help her break a strangling toxic hold from her mother. I'm sure in her mothers mind its a kind of care but its actually hugely destructive and has hurt w over many years as well as hurting us financially and straining our marriage in many ways.

W is, I think, finally seeing that. Whether she will take a decision that may put her at very serious odds and possibly end communications with her mum (reconciling) I wait to see.

She did say she fears that if we didnt work out it would leave her with no one. I, again, validated and said I disagreed she has many friends and family members many of whom disagree with mil and her behaviour (most of her dads family for a start although I didn't raise that as its a family hotspot).

Whilst w has of course made no obvious decision to me her behaviours and most of her discussions seemed to me to point toward her at least trying to ask herself why she wouldn't try again. That decision is hers to make and I made it clear I understand that and don't seek to pressure her. She said she does feel there are a lot of people looking her way at this and whilst validating I pointed out that yes she's right to a degree.

I don't seek to make her do or decide anything but our marriage continuing is obviously what I want - I wont lie, s does indeed want his family together but he understands only that he wants it not what each of us as people need to do to make that a reality and still be happy. Ultimately she should decide what she feels and I will be here to talk further.

She already feels her mother was trying to match her off again - she hates this. She even said for the first time through all this and for the first time she can remember, while she thanks her mum for her help she doesn't really like who she is now and her behaviour in regard to so many things.

Again lots more details that are best unsaid here.

Ultimately I'm trying to be the one who pushes the least, stresses the least and is the warmest. Not to conjole but because that's who I want to be again now and in any relationship going forward. It's not who I was for a long time, I don't want to be him anymore - that's what has allowed w to be close(r) to me now than the total rejection she felt in July.

So what of the ever anxious and impatient Edz this week then?

Well, as you've all accurately pointed out w may withdraw more - I know that and it's fair, she has a lot to think about now. If she now decides no she cant continue, well, I'll be hurt I wont lie but I know we talked openly I hope she does push back on her mum if not to reconcile then at least to reclaim control of her life which has been a huge issue for so very long. If so we will both do everything we can to help s through this.

I of course do not want that, w knew before but is now fully aware as she commented to me, that this isn't an act and is me now. Those problems that put us under strain from me are gone, we discussed turning pages putting our failed relationship behind us and moving on. It's up to her if that's something she can do or is prepared to allow me to help her through with or without external help (I made it clear any option is open I have no issues with counselling after all its done for me personally).

So my plans are not to be dark as such, if there's a reason to ping her I will or if there's something that's not a stresser or pursuit I may send her a message but generally no, I wont be pushing or inviting to anything. She knows she's welcome here can call or talk to me on this on anything right now.

We did even circle round to the key discussion, she said while she couldn't tell her mum (sigh) she has no issues with me having a key to the flat as its sensible given her parents may / will be moving up north after a sale - if she gets locked out or is sick while she has s its a sensible precaution. We haven't taken that any further as I didn't want to start pushing, as to her having a key to here I don't have any issue with it but, again, I'm not getting into planning right now shes processing enough, Mr Fixit will be straining at his Duck tape bonds but he's not getting to play, yet.

I know you guys will ask so - this week, tonight I'm chilling out after a very busy weekend - I have an appointment with some Wine I couldnt drink yesterday as I was driving, tomorrow I'm in the office then swimming with s for exercise and to get him into properly swimming (he needs some work on his strokes for crawl and especially on confidence in the water - good for his PMA as well as tackling what seems to be the start of a paunchy tummy - damn genetics!). Wednesday is gym, Thursday swimming with s again (we'll do twice a week), Friday unplanned as yet.

Thanks all

edz

[Sotto]

Sounding good Edz....I would still keep going with the GAL too, and sign up for that yoga class!

Mrs Fixit was dying to get out of her box when I was reading about your W and her mum. Mrs F says that david servan-schreiber's STABEN technique may be a useful reference point. He developed this technique for dealing with challenging people, and saying what you want without alienating them...

Okay, back in your box Mrs F!

[edz]

Thanks all.

Oh I am Toots, Yoga's supposed to be two weeks thursday (I think) I need to take my mat back and get another though - found this was is ripped

I'll take a look at that link, for now though I'll take it onboard for me, if w asks for help I'll pass it on to her right for now I think she'd read it as me manipulating her even subconsciously into pushing her to decide on reconcilation and thus conflict with her mother (she'd probably have a point as well, well meaning as it would be of me - can't believe I never used to see any of this before!).

Thanks

Edz

[Vanilla]

Edz

DB is working for you. I would love this to be the best news.

No expectations Edz.

And that means For V and your fan club too.

V

[Dawn70]

Just keeping you wrapped in positive thoughts from this part of the world. You are doing REALLY well! Good for you. I wish you nothing but the best.