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You are probably going to stumble and mess up. Everyone does. Learn from it and move on. don't beat yourself up for reacting emotionally. Just make a note of it and try again some other day. This is tough stuff, and NO ONE gets it right the first time. It is a process!

RD said it well. Listen, validate and learn.


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Cherry Offline OP
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H came home late so no time for a talk.. Trying not to read into the fact he can't make the time to talk to me..
I'm working on me still and setting myself challenges so I know I'll be fine in myself and someone baby will look up to. And an added bonus will be for h to look at me and realise he threw away a bloody good thing. I keep getting compliments from everyone that I'm looking beautiful and have a "glow" about me- im not sure about that! But it's a positive and boost to me to think I'm physically looking good, I need to get my mentality to the point where I'm detached and he will no longer hurt me.
If I didn't have a child with him I would go travelling for a bit. But I can't really take his child even though he isn't really being a dad right now.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
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ILYBNILWY 4/16
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Again, preparing me for his "chat". One thing as I mentioned previously, is he has it in his head that we will make great friends. I find this a little insulting. But no matter what happens he is the father of my child- we are always going to be involved in each other's life.
So my question is do I handle this situation with validation, and detaching. But be his friend- keep that area of mystique about me. GAL etc make me the best I can be for both my and my baby's sake?
Has anyone got to piecing by being a friend of their spouse?
Thing is we only managed to be friends a few weeks before we acted on our feelings and started a relationship


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
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Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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Originally Posted By: Cherry
H came home late so no time for a talk.. Trying not to read into the fact he can't make the time to talk to me..


Talking will not solve this right now. He is essentially addicted to the affair. As you've seen little else matters to him at this point. Actions are much more important than words right now.

Originally Posted By: Cherry
But it's a positive and boost to me to think I'm physically looking good, I need to get my mentality to the point where I'm detached and he will no longer hurt me.


I'm glad you are feeling better about yourself physically. How do you feel about yourself outside of that?

Having a child is a tough transition. I think as women, we often lose ourselves a little when we are so focused on taking care of our baby and trying to juggle all of our responsibilities. Excluding your H from the equation, what do you need/want to make life happier than it is right now?

Originally Posted By: Cherry

If I didn't have a child with him I would go travelling for a bit. But I can't really take his child even though he isn't really being a dad right now.


Why not? You are allowed to take a trip without him. It doesn't have to be long. Could just be a weekend or a week. Whatever would help you. If H doesn't want you to take the baby,and you trust him to take care of your son, tell H he can take care of the baby while you're gone.

((((Cherry)))) I know this is hard. It won't be like this forever. Eventually you'll find your strength. You're life will improve with or without H.

I don't know if this will help you or not. When I was frustrated and angry about my H's action but knew I wanted to stand for the M, I set a time limit for how long I would put up with the uncertainty. In my head I told myself, I'll give this 6 months. I'll focus on me and my child during that time. At the end of those 6 months, I'll evaluate how I feel and decide which actions to take. Just a thought. I found it helped me to stop obsessing about what he was doing and instead look at me. The only thing I could actually control anyway.


Me: 30
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Cherry,

Don't worry about being his friend right now. That is your choice and quite frankly, you aren't *there.* I would suggest listening and being cordial or *friendly neighbor.*

Focus on you and your child. That is your primary concern along with protecting yourself financially. Your h as you know him is long gone. Let him do his thing and you do yours.

Good luck:)



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Cherry Offline OP
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In honesty, he is so erratic at the moment- I don't trust him alone with baby. I think I'm getting there- obviously this is a massive shock and with the post natal depression a bit over whelming. But I've picked myself up before after abusive relationships in the past (this one has never been anything other than loving).

I think in my mind I'm still fighting with myself that having my h back will make my life happy. Yes the love of another person and what we HAD would make me feel better. But at the same time- that man is gone. And i refuse to make a man define me.

I think by setting a time frame might help me, I have the transition of starting work soon. So I'm going to have to learn to juggle a career and motherhood so I shall be very busy.

A few weeks back we had got to a strong friendship laughing and Joking. He then tells me he has feelings for me- we have sex a few times and in honesty it's been awkward since. He was petrified I'd end up pregnant again.

I've had some legal advise regarding housing, benefits, my legal rights etc. so Im getting prepared just in case. He has said I can have full custody, I feel like getting this in writing!! He took the last of my trust, he's not taking my baby


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
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Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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I think there is a difference between being a friendly neighbor and actual friends. I was very clear that we would not be friends if H decided to continue on his path. We would be coparents that were friendly. No hanging out one on one or spending a lot of time together though. It's important the WAS understands what they are losing. I'm not sure you can do that and he good friends this close to BD.


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
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Originally Posted By: Cherry

I think in my mind I'm still fighting with myself that having my h back will make my life happy. Yes the love of another person and what we HAD would make me feel better.


You can't go back to the old life now. If he decides to recommit and everything goes back to how it was before, you are almost guaranteed to end up here again because nothing, or at least not enough, changed. Check out Train's threads. Shes a good example and incredibly strong.

Originally Posted By: Cherry

I've had some legal advise regarding housing, benefits, my legal rights etc. so Im getting prepared just in case. He has said I can have full custody, I feel like getting this in writing!! He took the last of my trust, he's not taking my baby


I'm glad to hear this. Protecting yourself and your child is very important.


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
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Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
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No I'm not sure you can, and I think at the moment he has the mentality that he isn't ever going to loose me. Like his saying about continuing to live together and that maybe we should get remarried in a few years BS. I feel he is using me as a safety net and that's not fair. I'm not a second choice or a back up plan.
We never really hang- pretty much live separate lives apart from usually at the weekend he asks to do something with me and baby.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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For sure I'll protect my baby!
Yeah I get that, like it's easy now to sit here pinpointing things that we should have done. But what's done is done. He is for sure rewriting our history, and if, God willing, we ever get back together- there needs to be a lot of change on both sides.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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