Lorelai: My waking life

[T384]

Loralei

If I can say now isn't the time to worry what your H thinks about you. The D will affect you and the kids forever so make sure to do you due diligence. Unless this is amicable (most aren't) I would protect myself and get a good lawyer.

My L retainer was 5k. I met with 5 different L before choosing mine the retainer was between 2-5k for all of them.

Best of luck

[Pyrite]

OK - back again. I haven't read your first thread so forgive me if I ask a silly question here - why are you organising the D? I thought it was him that wanted the D? So let him do it.

You use the word hate a lot. I hate hime, he hates me. This is a massively stressful time, for him too I suspect. I doubt that he hates you, and you wouldn't be here if you hated him. I understand how you feel though. I've been there. We all have. 25 (I think it was) told me once that being angry at someone to punish them is like setting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes. Enough said?

OW? stranger things have happened and it probably doesn't really matter either way, but I would be surprised if it wasn't this boss woman. At any rate no point asking him or her. the answer will be the same in both cases. "We aren't doing anything wrong." I posted somewhere recently about how WAS's seem to transform and all of a sudden have this Hollywood notion that an A is months of midnight rendezvous in seedy hotels etc. What they are doing is talking to a supportive friend. And from their perspective it is. From ours it is an EA.

In my case this EA of W's escalated before BD and turned into PA within a few weeks after S - she still denies that she has EVER done anything wrong or untoward. She has outright lied to my face without blinking. The mother of my children, my partner of 12 years. Asking the "potential" OW, waste of breath L.

Lets get onto the path towards your bright future L. Can I ask you to see what I have just written to CIndySy. I can't be bothered writing it again back to back and copying and pasting is probably harder than you clicking. It might not be of any help to you - you might have covered this in your first thread, IDK. Tell me where you are on the DB path maybe.

[Lorelai]

Thanks Pyrite and TO for your responses. Pyrite I will go and se what you wrote on the other thread. To answer your question on where I'm at in the divorce process, H has made it clear he has no interest to work on the marriage and acts like I'm insane if I bring up even the smallest thing that could be a move toward reconciliation. Right now, he doesn't even seem that interested in having a "good divorce" where he sees the kids frequently and we still spend time as a family together (my daughter is constantly asking if we can do that) and he says things like "I don't want to mislead you or the kids." It's just awful. As for me filing, my H moved some money around without my knowledge and told me in an email the next day, saying his direct deposits would now go into a new account he created and that he would transfer money over every week for child support--only in the minimum amount required by our state. He also split our savings in half and "my account" as he calls it has the mortgage coming out of it every month (he made sure to remind me of that in his email. Thanks!) Whenever I try to talk to him about any of this, I get nothing but him spewing anger and rage at me, so basically, we're not really communicating, just saying hello briefly when he comes to watch the kids one or two days a week while I'm at work. This is not someone I can mediate or negotiate with and this certainly is not a person I can hope to reconcile with because he's not willing to do any of the work on himself that would be required for that to happen. So yeah, it's not a revenge thing, just a protection thing--time to lawyer up because I feel like a sitting duck...

[Pyrite]

Hey L,

that was a lifetime ago. I think that was my last thread, but still see if you interested - oh just re-read my post. I think it was something about detaching and where are you? (reference was to CindySy's thread).

anyway, maybe i still misunderstand - i thought you said YOU were filing for D and it seems that H is definitely the one who should be doing this.

also - my post confused this issue - my W doesn't deny EA/PA but this was not wrong. Go figure.

New stuff - I encourage you to at least browse my thread only for the reason that things do get better and I think it might be helpful for you to see this. I was where you are - in some ways I still am.

My W has been hideous to negotiate with. We are lawyer stage because of this. I am still flabbergasted, gobsmacked that this was my intimate partner of 12 years and i NEVER thought she even had it in her to do all of the horrible things she has done, including being so ridiculously stubborn about the kids.

So where are you at with DB/DR, 180s, GAL, forgiveness, etc. Don't leave it so long next time, my mind isn't what it used to be and I forget everything .

In so far as R. Zeus posted to me ages ago re: the steps his DB coach outlined towards R. I think they were, say goodbye to old M, (eventually, maybe) friends, (eventually, maybe) romance, then R. In this case it is more like a brand new relationship, rather than reconciliation. I think the rec^n part comes in as in an intimate relationship you couldn't possibly deny your previous R/M, so you have to work through these.

It sounds like you are b/n steps 1 and 2, even at 1. In all these steps, possibly before 3 (friends) you should be firmly on the path to self-improvement, DBing etc.

I too am concerned that my W will never make the changes that now I am starting to demand before we can even get to 3. For one - slowing the slightest remorse for how she has treated me. I won't rehash these but she has been very nasty, and now sh is calmer it is clear that these are not just anger of the moment issues. Anyway, its all posted over these boards.

But, my message for you is that if you do follow this path (see at least posts between me and PigPen on my thread ) you WILL get to a place where you are open to R, but you are not waiting for R. If he comes around, great. If he doesn't, he doesn't. And that won't define you. When I suggest dont wait, I am NOT at all suggesting you look for another relationship. All i am suggesting is live your own life and enjoy everything that really is a part of it now. Somethings you have forgotten, somethings you have never seen, somethings you just can't see right now because of your circumstances.

[Lorelai]

Hello, DBers. Long time, no talk! Hope everyone has been doing OK. I've been checking in on the threads now and then, but work and the kids have had me very busy. The girls and I also just got over being sick last week--my oldest only got to attend the first two days of kindergarten before she came down with a fever, chills etc., then my 2-year-old started having symptoms, and I came home from work extremely ill. We all went to the Dr. last Friday and found out it was strep (second time in a month for me), so we've spent the past week taking our antibiotics (not fun for little kids) and getting ourselves back into our school/work/daycare routines.

STBX started a new job on Friday. I'm not sure what it means, but at least he won't be working so much with his married OW/boss, who I'm still not sure if he got physical with, but it really doesn't matter anymore.

Couple of frustrations with the new job--one of the conflicts in our marriage was that he kept sticking it out with a start-up that was always on the verge of going out of business, and he was working 24 hours a day seven days a week. While trying to be considerate of his feelings, I did encourage him to look elsewhere, and pointed out we never had any time together as a family or as a couple as long as he was working such crazy hours. He refused to find another job or make any real effort to do so. Now he's working a more traditional 9-5 office job, but our marriage is over...

We also don't have insurance until the insurance kicks in at his new job. I am glad at least that he agreed to keep me on his insurance until the divorce is final. But when he came to get the kids yesterday, I explained to him that some of the liquid antibiotics had spilled and that the pediatrician was calling in a prescription for more so the kids could finish their course (very important!). He rolled his eyes and was like "Ugh. How much is this going to cost?" And yeah, I lost it, and asked why he wouldn't be on top of the whole insurance thing (he's not sure what the status is of our insurance officially). He said "You always worry about that stuff. I know it's an issue for you!"

Yeah, I have had issues in the past with his insurance--like when I was eight months pregnant with our second child and went to the OB to find out we didn't have the same insurance anymore, because his company had switched and he didn't bother telling me...

The good news is it sounds like his new company's insurance is better, so I'll be able to resume treatment at least temporarily with my former IC who was helping me work through a lot of issues with the breakup of my M before she was no longer able to accept the crappy insurance from STBX's old company...

Just trying to look at the bright side of things... I still have a lot of work to do DB-wise, not to save my M, but myself and hopefully have a healthier co-parenting relationship with STBX.

One more thing--this is one of the first weekends in a long time STBX (who's living at his mom's) has taken the kids overnight, and apparently you CAN catch up on sleep! I need to get caught up on a ton of cleaning from everyone being sick and the house becoming chaotic, but I've also been sleeping a TON, and LOVING it. I haven't been able to enjoy sleep like this in FOREVER!