Lorelai: My waking life

[Zues126]

Hey L, just started reading your sitch. Sorry you're here.

It sure does seem like the vast majority of WAS's have an OP in the wings. I know I thought my W was the LAST person on Earth to, and so have many others. People grab anything when they fall, and I guess when people feel bad enough they do things that make them feel better no matter how destructive.

FWIW, I don't think people should be getting together with members of the OS when they are married. Play dates or not. Coworkers or not. That is not what people that want to tend to their garden do. So no matter what that isn't appropriate.

I'm not saying for sure there is an OW. It is possible though. Many things are possible. No matter what, it is a unfathomable loss and I'm sorry.

Tell me more about who you were before you met your H. I'm curious to know how you see yourself outside of this crisis. We're here for you!

[Lorelai]

Thanks Zues! Who I was before H? On the plus side I'd say I was fun, creative, loved throwing and attending parties, decorating my apartments, had great friends, rollerbladed everywhere, dated for fun and to meet new people... but wasn't really up for anything too serious, enjoyed my work...
On the minus side I was always prone to depression and looking back, I complained a lot about silly, petty things. When I was down, I was really down. It was tough.
H was drawn immediately to that fun side of me. He pursued me relentlessly, but I resisted because he'd been married before and I didn't think he was ready to get involved with anyone and I wasn't ready. When he finally did get me to go out with him, we fell for each other easily, though he seemed to fall harder and my sister commented one day after the holidays-- they way he looks at you! My gosh! Wish my husband looked at me like that.
But my dark side (and let's face it, everyone has one) drove H away. Before I figured out how to control the depression with medication, he was brought right down with me. I wish I had gotten a hold of myself sooner and acknowledged I had a problem and addressed it rather than blowing it off and telling myself depression was just part of my creativity. It got worse after having kids and that was when I finally took action.
Today, with H gone? What kind of person am I? I think I am becoming a better person. I still have great friends, and now two awesome, bright, spectacular children, a home I'm making fabulous and enjoying... The medication has pretty much wiped out the depression--except for sadness about my situation. So I feel like I have all these traits about myself that I love and that are who I really am, without the dark days and complaining and obsessing... Make sense?

[Lorelai]

Oh-- and when I say "without the dark days" I mean specifically the depression. I do have "dark days" when I find my situation with H difficult, but the "being depressed for no reason" mood swings have pretty much subsided. Now I have an actual reason to be sad, but I think I'm handling it as well as I can and accepting the situation no matter how it goes--just imagine how much worse off I'd be though if I hadn't addressed the depression!

[Zues126]

Thanks L. I am similar in many ways, different in many others.

As for depression...I have struggled as well.

One thing I found out, though, is that it was worse in my M. And after a lot of reflection I realized that I used it as a form of CONTROL.

I counted on my W to make me happy. When she didn't do the things I wanted her to (attention, sex, whatever), I allowed myself to get "depressed" in an attempt to get her to change her behavior and give me what I wanted.

It was sneaky, because there was some truth to the fact that if I was neglected/rejected I felt very down. But what I discovered is that mysteriously, once I was on my own I was coping better. Yes, I still got dark, but I knew there was no one around to give a rats behind, so rather than sulk and wait to be rescued, I picked myself back up.

I'm not pinning this on you, just making conversation. Does any of this sound familiar?

[Zues126]

I also think that I was really afraid that my W would never accept me because I was so dark and broken. And while many people would think that you'd then be on your "best behavior" all of the time to avoid scaring them off, the opposite is true. Sometimes you are on your "worst behavior" to assure yourself that no matter what they won't leave. Like "if I can be this horrible and they stay with me then I KNOW I'm safe". I "tested the rope" a lot in my M...and it broke.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Again, this is my story, just checking in and getting to know you.

[Lorelai]

Yes. It does sound familiar. While part of me still thinks your spouse should be the one who loves you unconditionally, I'm now learning the importance of healthy boundaries, even with loved ones. Problem is, I didn't have the tools in place and the knowledge that I have now back when I was sort of "letting it all hang out' early on in my marriage.

[Zues126]

Well...I am pretty firmly opposed to D and value commitment and loyalty even to the point of remaining in a miserable M for life (although I'd never give up trying to make it wonderful). So I'm not suggesting that your H was right to leave you because you were destructive at times.

I'm not taking sides, defending or attacking you or him...but I do wonder with my W if she could have responded to my behavior differently and whether that might have taken us off track. I'm NOT blaming my WAW for the breakdown in the M, I just thought it was odd because I NEVER had this problem in my first R (5 year live in gf), probably because she wouldn't have gone along with it! My point is that it's possible that your H could've stuck around, and changed things on his end to for things to have played out differently.

BUT- what's important is- you're here now. You made mistakes. He made mistakes. But that's all behind. Best thing you can do is grieve the loss of the M, forgive him for his mistakes, and forgive yourself for yours...but only after recognizing them and deciding who you want to be going forward!

[Lorelai]

Tomorrow my kids are going to my MIL's annual Easter brunch without me. I'm hurt and sad about it, but I'm also going to be extremely busy tomorrow, which will be a good distraction. I'm starting a new job on Tuesday so I have to prepare, get the house organized for when my MIL and H come to help with childcare and finish up some projects. I already have the kids' Easter baskets ready for when they wake up and tonight we colored eggs so we can have a hunt in the backyard before H arrives to get them. I'm so glad I'm starting a new job. I know I would be way more down in the dumps and less detached if I didn't have this new chapter in my career to look forward to.

[Lorelai]

Possibly planning to file for divorce this week. Just had a quick question. Is a $2,000 retainer and an estimated $5000 divorce unreasonable? I'm trying to keep as simple as possible without doing a DIY divorce on the Internet or something. I think that's what my STBX wants me to do. He's freaking out over the fact that the attorney I'm thinking about hiring has said he needs a $2,000 retainer and that the a simple divorce/custody agreement will in the end, total about $3000 to $5000, which includes the retainer. For those of you who have gone through this, and I'm sorry if you have, this [censored], how much did you spend? I'm scared I could sign something and lose all of our savings and have STBX hate me and withdraw from the kids even more... I so don't want to go forward with this process!

[Pyrite]

hi Lorelai,

just catching up, more comments later, but from the start (of this thread at least) -

I want to get into the habit of posting more regularly here because it not only helps to write out my thoughts, even if I don't have any advice to offer (and I don't feel qualified to offer much advice at this point) I know reading people's stories helped me feel less alone and I want to do the same for others.

Exactly the attitude to have . writing for me, and writing to others, reading posts, has been a Godsend and undoubtedly the best medicine I could've wished for these past few months.