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Ggrass #2549983 03/22/15 02:30 PM
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Hey Maybell,

I know finances can be extremely stressful. Unfortunately, 6 years will come sooner than you think but you still have time. Try to keep your focus on your more pressing issues for now. I know it was mentioned previously, but in anything I've read about saving for the future, college tuition is lower on the list than other things.

Other than student loans there are tons of scholarships out there, many go unclaimed simply because people don't know about them.

Sounds like your H does well financially, talk to your attorney about him contributing monthy to a college fund for the kids (outside of child support). I know when I talked to mine (a long time ago) it was on of the things to consider. Just a though.

Last edited by lost18; 03/22/15 02:32 PM.

Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
lost18 #2550109 03/23/15 02:09 AM
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Today was a weird busy day. I started it off touring the house I'm REALLY hoping to get and having breakfast with my friend, and then I spent the rest of it clearing up the house, doing laundry, and trying to start working my way towards being ready to move. Reviewing the budget and finances and running models to see if it's remotely possible for me to do all this.

So when STBX dropped the kids off tonight I wasn't very nice. I wasn't rude, but I clearly didn't want to look at him or smile at him or really talk to or acknowledge him in any way. When he brings them home I wish he'd drop them off, hug and kiss them, and then go. But he lingers around. He kind of half smiles at me. I wish he'd just GO. He wanted this. I can't be friendly to him when I've been scouring Craigslist for rentals and fielding Zillow links from D12 because she's so anxious to know where we're going to live.

I want to be more remote and less hostile when I see him, but I can't be detached when I am because in my head we click so well that I can't understand why we're divorcing.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think this is reparable. He will always be the guy who fell in love with a woman so remote that he only actually laid eyes on her four times but she was apparently the love of his life. I'll never unsee the sexts he exchanged with her while we were on our family vacation. I'll never forget how I asked him NOT TO CALL HER when I was confronting him about the communications from her baby daddy and HE CALLED HER RIGHT THERE WHILE I WAS TEXTING HIM and told me how wonderful she was. It has taken a ton of work to come back to enjoying the books, shows, music, and activities that I prefer without feeling like I should be watching the ones he encourages so that he'll think more highly of me. I should never have felt like he thought poorly of me for enjoying my own tastes in the first place anyway.

He treated me with profound disrespect and contempt and that is not reparable. And I made such a fool of myself before he moved out that I think (I know, mind-reading) that if I let down my guard even a little that he'll think I either 1) agree with him that breaking up our family is for the best or 2) care so much about him that I'm willing to let myself be treated that way just to get a few crumbs of his sunshine. It's probably mind-reading but I think he thinks it's so wonderful that he broke free and found his liberty and "himself" that I should just come around to his way of thinking and then we can be super-sophisticated buddy-exes like the evolved, rational people are.

I do NOT want to be his friend. If I didn't have to share my kids with him, I'd like him to walk off and never show his face to me again. I wish I didn't even have to hear his name again. It sounds like poison to me.

(which, by the way, gives me a funny little issue... I don't intend to change my name back for a number of reasons, but the sound of my own name chokes me a little now. But my maiden name does too, because I feel like my parents have really let me down through all this. And that name doesn't feel like mine anymore either.)

Still, I don't like being so hostile, although I AM doing it for my own self-protection. It gives him a sense of being more powerful than he deserves. It makes me look kind of petty and unforgiving. It makes me feel like a person I don't want to be after he leaves. But I don't want to be any nicer to him. I hate that he is putting me through this. It's maybe not OK, but I want to be absolutely sure that he does not think I am AT ALL OK with the choices he's made. I don't want him to think for one bloody little second that I am willing to be friendly to a guy who cheated on his wife and tore up his children's home without even investigating how he could make his life work without destroying so much. I wouldn't treat an acquaintance with his history any friendlier than I treat him. Maybe I'm being self-righteous.

I feel like I should communicate some of this to him so that I can relax my shielding and behave more neutrally to him while knowing that he is aware of my position and that the adjustment in my attitude towards him is for me and not him. On the other hand, if he's as narcissistic as I suspect, it won't matter to him any more than the other times I've told him what I am angry about. He'll just congratulate himself for taking it on the chin and being evolved about things.

Please don't redirect me to IC again. I'm not going back soon. I just want to get moved and divorced (or divorced and moved) and start my own life without having all this hanging over me. I don't want to make myself all vulnerable to another stranger (yes, I know, IRONY) and maybe have to do that 2-3 times or more, paying $100/pop for the privilege of baring my soul in the hope I'll get help and the suspicion I'll just be taken advantage of again. I just want someone to tell me how to conduct myself.

I tried SO HARD to be a good wife. I tried to pay attention to what he needed and what we needed and to build a way of being together that was satisfying to both of us. I don't think I could have succeeded. I should have known that he hates intimacy (hence the much younger woman he interacted with electronically who lived in a foreign country and could never get any closer to him than sex in a hotel room with nothing of their real lives around; ditto the one-night stands).

The last MC we went to (that ended up being so weird with me at the end) told STBX that even if we didn't stay married that he was sure we'd be friends. I told him I never would be and MC contradicted and disagreed with me. MAYBE in 3-5 years, when my feet are under me I might be able to have a family dinner with him without choking on my meal, but no time soon, and when he lingers around like that I feel like he's waiting for me to say something friendly to him to let him know I've moved on.

I don't even want to call him names anymore. I just wish he was a much better quality person. I'm sad and disappointed and disgusted that this is as much imagination as he has. That he doesn't realize how different life could be for him. That he didn't want what I tried to offer. And that he didn't have more compassion and care for me, that I meant so little to him after the investments I made in our life together.

Last edited by Maybell; 03/23/15 02:14 AM.

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2550112 03/23/15 02:21 AM
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I had a whole long post typed but the internet ate it!

Anyway I just wanted you to know I hear you, maybell.

I hope you can work towards letting go of this anger and resentment you have. Ya who cares about STBX - but it's affecting YOU.

I know I'm in a different place than you are but it saddens me to read how frustrated and angry you sound. I can't imagine it's not radiating off of you.

If you were reading this post from someone you admired, what advice would you give them?

I get it, there's no hope for your M, you want to move on. This is directed at saving yourself from this terrible distaste your STBX leaves with you.

Anyway - I just wanted you to know I'm listening


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Maybell #2550113 03/23/15 02:24 AM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
I feel like I should communicate some of this to him so that I can relax my shielding and behave more neutrally to him while knowing that he is aware of my position and that the adjustment in my attitude towards him is for me and not him.

The first half sounds good. Tell him: "WAH, I wish you just dropped off the kids, hugged them and left. That's just how it is now." Period, no explanation. That's why I'd drop the second half: don't tell him why, don't tell him it's for you. Speak only with your actions.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
T384 #2550114 03/23/15 02:24 AM
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Maybell, maybe we can work on preserving ourselves together...

(((Maybell)))


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

T384 #2550115 03/23/15 02:25 AM
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All the work I did today barely made a dent in all there is to do. I want to be more minimalist but I didn't acquire all this stuff by myself -- there is a whole garage full of hardware supplies and equipment that won't fit in his swank little bachelor pad, and some of it I'm going to need to own as a homeowner. But he's of the "I can't find it so I'll buy a new one" mindset and so there's multiples of everything and guess whose job it's going to be to pack up and/or dispose of a lot of it?

I need this chapter of my life closed. Then maybe I can heal enough to be less resentful. But every time I go to work on some part of it it's like the scab gets ripped off and I'm bleeding again.

This is so overwhelming.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2550192 03/23/15 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell

So when STBX dropped the kids off tonight I wasn't very nice. I wasn't rude, but I clearly didn't want to look at him or smile at him or really talk to or acknowledge him in any way. When he brings them home I wish he'd drop them off, hug and kiss them, and then go. But he lingers around. He kind of half smiles at me. I wish he'd just GO. He wanted this. I can't be friendly to him when I've been scouring Craigslist for rentals and fielding Zillow links from D12 because she's so anxious to know where we're going to live.

I want to be more remote and less hostile when I see him, but I can't be detached when I am because in my head we click so well that I can't understand why we're divorcing............................


Still, I don't like being so hostile, although I AM doing it for my own self-protection. It gives him a sense of being more powerful than he deserves. It makes me look kind of petty and unforgiving. It makes me feel like a person I don't want to be after he leaves. But I don't want to be any nicer to him. I hate that he is putting me through this. It's maybe not OK, but I want to be absolutely sure that he does not think I am AT ALL OK with the choices he's made. I don't want him to think for one bloody little second that I am willing to be friendly to a guy who cheated on his wife and tore up his children's home without even investigating how he could make his life work without destroying so much. I wouldn't treat an acquaintance with his history any friendlier than I treat him. Maybe I'm being self-righteous.

I feel like I should communicate some of this to him so that I can relax my shielding and behave more neutrally to him while knowing that he is aware of my position and that the adjustment in my attitude towards him is for me and not him. On the other hand, if he's as narcissistic as I suspect, it won't matter to him any more than the other times I've told him what I am angry about. He'll just congratulate himself for taking it on the chin and being evolved about things.



Maybell - just my .02 here. You've been at this for many, many months, and you tried really hard to save your marriage during that time. I think that anger, and even some rage, is both totally normal and even called for in this circumstance. But when you spend so much time and effort in trying to repair the relationship it muffles some of that anger and now that you have truly let go - it's all bubbling to the surface again, and probably will for a while. I feel that way too sometimes (usually when one of my kids says something that is just heartbreaking) and I expect to have moments like this for years.

Also- I think an active divorce is by its nature adversarial (is it Starsky who always says that here's a reason they put the "v" in between the parties names) and its almost impossible not to see the STBX somewhat as the "enemy" while its going on. Even in an amicable situation, there are still "sides".

As to being a little hostile when he drops off the kids - I'd reframe that one as being strictly for the kids, and who gives a darn what your STBX might think. It's probably going to be one of the few times they see their parents together, so best to make it as pleasant as possible for them.

And just so you feel a little better about the drop off thing, this is how bad it got at my house. In the beginning, STBX wouldn't even acknowledge me or say anything, he just dropped the kids off and basically ran. During one of the very few conversations we had since BD, we literally had to spell out how every bit of that interaction would play out. When he srops of the kids, he is to help them with their stuff, walk them in to the house, give me a brief download of anything that I might need to know (last time D3 napped etc) and kiss them goodbye. When he picks them up, I will help him get them into his truck, tell them to have a good time and wave cheerily goodbye. Yes, we had to spell it all out...and it's still strained although I do my very best for the sake of the girls (honestly it works a lot better when he picks them up directly from school right now and drops them off there as well, but that isn't always possible).

The nice thing about where you are? There's plenty of room to go up wink.

Last edited by raliced; 03/23/15 01:07 PM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
raliced #2550235 03/23/15 03:19 PM
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Sigh. Raliced said it as nicely as it could possibly be put, Maybell. Warning: I am not going to be as nice as she. It's time for some tough love.

My Aries sister, you are undoubtedly the worst at letting go as anyone I've ever seen. I thought *I* was bad. You return to the scene of the train wreck more than the average bear. What is the payoff for you to continue this insane and heartbreaking ritual? Seriously. What do you get out of this?

This is why I ask you every so often if you've found an IC to help you through this. If you were a victim of a crime, I'd be advising you to work with victim advocacy. Consider the IC in that role, sweetie, because staying on this path is toxic and harmful to everyone in your circle of influence. You deserve better than how you're treating yourself. And more importantly, your kids deserve to have a mom who is functioning at 100% emotionally. I realize that this process is painful.

I want you to think about the you that you want others to see. Do you want people to avoid you because you radiate the outrage and bitterness? You know the person... everyone knows someone who had something unfortunate happen to them that became their lynchpin to staying stuck and the excuse why they couldn't do or be X. It is always someone else's fault that they choose bitterness over betterness. Do you want to be that person, Maybell?

It's not that he deserves mercy, Maybell (though I believe that most people deserve it at some point in their life). It's that YOU deserve mercy.

Quote:
Still, I don't like being so hostile, although I AM doing it for my own self-protection. It gives him a sense of being more powerful than he deserves.


This is total BS and the ego talking.

Quote:
It makes me look kind of petty and unforgiving. It makes me feel like a person I don't want to be after he leaves.


Uh huh.

Quote:
But I don't want to be any nicer to him. I hate that he is putting me through this. It's maybe not OK, but I want to be absolutely sure that he does not think I am AT ALL OK with the choices he's made. I don't want him to think for one bloody little second that I am willing to be friendly to a guy who cheated on his wife and tore up his children's home without even investigating how he could make his life work without destroying so much.


Sigh. OK. We know this, you know this, your kids know this, your H knows this. So you don't want what you got? Check. Maybell, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US who posts here has felt the same way. You just can't stay in this place. This place is groundhog day.

Quote:
I wouldn't treat an acquaintance with his history any friendlier than I treat him.


This is also BS, Maybell. You probably treat the woman who accidentally rams your car with her shopping cart better than this. It's not a reflection of your H, Maybell. THIS IS A REFLECTION OF WHO YOU WANT TO BE. So your H did the unthinkable. Okay. This forum is filled with people who share this journey with you (myself included). But it doesn't give you the excuse to choose to act like a biatch because you're hurt. It would be far more helpful if you were to go to your H and tell him, "This has hurt me more than you'll ever know. I'm struggling with managing my hurt." I'd understand that a whole lot more because it's authentic.

But you don't get a do-over in this life, Maybell. You're in your early 40s. There is still time to find a deep, true love that you want, need and deserve. But this type of thinking is like garlic to the vampires. Five years are going to pass quickly, and then you're going to turn 50. Who do you want to be then? What's your road map to get there? No excuses, Maybell. It's time to pull up the bootstraps and make a plan. You'll never get these years back. Make them worthwhile.

Since you're into the spiritual, did you know that being Aries means we are the sign of being reborn? When I went to a medium 12 years ago, he told me that I wouldn't recognize myself in 10 years. I found that incredibly difficult to believe. Friday before last, I went to a spiritual fair and got myself a new reading. The first thing she said to me was, "What was the impetus for your change? You're a totally different person than you were 10 years ago." I was a little taken aback. It's true, BTW.

And NONE OF IT would have been possible without this journey. Apparently, like you, I learn things the hard way. I just decided I don't want to be as unhappy in the last half of my life. You're being handed that golden opportunity to figure out how you want to live your life from here on. You can stay the same and want nothing to change and probably wake up dissatisfied when you're 50 or 60. Or you can change and grow. Your choice.

BTW, Raliced, Mr. W. and I started our drop offs the same way as you. When my oldest told him how much it bothered her to see him be so cold, he changed his tune. We started out like all of you. Bitterness, resentment, fear and ego ruled our world. Until power was taken back.

Oh, one more thing, MB. My hardline in dating now is that he can't hate his XW. Why? Because that means his energy is still being diverted into an emotion that keeps him stuck. I deserve better. I'm not giving anyone any energy that isn't coming back to our R.

I truly am sorry if any of this seems unusually harsh. It's not something I enjoy doing. If you were a casual poster, I'd just not read you anymore and move on. But I feel connected with you, and if you were a friend IRL, I'd have this conversation with you over lunch, as my friend, and someone who is important to me.

Hugs-Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Underdog #2550277 03/23/15 05:25 PM
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A friend posted a saying on FB today that kind of illustrates my post much more succinctly:

"Sometimes God doesn't change your situation because He is trying to change your heart."

When I got stuck in my angry, hopeless feelings, I changed my prayers to read, "Please change what's in my heart. Your will be done." THAT's when things changed for me.


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Underdog #2550279 03/23/15 05:28 PM
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I probably should not chime in here but I will anyway. When XW comes to my house she gets a minute or 2 and then I go to the door and open it and hold it open for her. If that does not do the trick I will say (have said) "OK, its time for you to go". Nothing harsh or hostile, but I get my point across clearly.

You don't have to let him hang around. You don't have to look at him. Why torture yourself? Eventually it will get better. Doesn't have to be today, or even next week. Take your time working through it.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
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