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Maybell #2549717 03/21/15 02:36 PM
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I don't know that I can necessarily talk you down.....because I have a similar moment of panic at least twice a month. Then I remind myself that even people in high functioning marriages who have sound financial plans probably have moments where the retirement/college whammy seems intimidating.

Here's what I remind myself. I'm at a place in my life where my major expenses (car/ house) are unlikely to increase by any significant amount, but that my earnings (and those of STBX)should only continue to grow.

I guess this is one area where I am usually an optimist and frankly, I have a lot of faith in my ability to provide if the chips are down. My own goal is to get to the point where I don't need STBX's child support check each month to maintain our standard of living. With a few lucky breaks, I think I might get there in 4 years or so.

You're a smart lady Maybell - if you need to make something happen financially - you will.

Last edited by raliced; 03/21/15 02:42 PM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
raliced #2549721 03/21/15 02:43 PM
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Maybell,

There are a ton of options for college money. Namely scholarships...merit and athletic. Many young people qualify if they are industrious students or wicked awesome in sports. Hence, your parental guidance will be critical in that you drive home the importance of good education to your kids.

For you, I would focus on the immediate needs: roof over your heads and food on the table. When things are a bit more stable and you get bigger pay, then you'll be able to squirrel money for your kids' education & retirement.

Take a short-term hit now for the long-term view.

Wonka #2549726 03/21/15 02:58 PM
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reality is that you may not be able to provide college for them, or that maybe you will just be able to help out.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Wonka #2549728 03/21/15 03:02 PM
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No great financial advice here.. but just wanted to remind you that you are a strong resourceful intelligent woman. It's not something that will be solved today or this week, so no need to panic, but the fact that you are thinking about it (something I have to admit that I haven't done) means you are on the right track.

My H and his brother both ended up at prestigious schools-- H got a partial scholarship thru his step mother's company, ironically. And there were a total of 8 kids between his dad and mom and their 2nd spouses. And no one was a millionaire. It's doable.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Maybell #2549730 03/21/15 03:07 PM
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Hey Maybell...I can't tell you that the D won't impact your ability to hit all of your financial goals. It's the same as how you won't be able to hit your marital goals, your goals of having your kids grow up in a home with two parents together, etc. D is just SO devastating.

What I can say is to have some faith that things will work out. They will rarely work out the way YOU want them to, but they may work out in a way that you will be blessed with tremendous joy and happiness if you are open to it.

For all I know you'll be scratching along for a few years, then you'll meed a classy guy at an art show that turns out to captain an Alaskan cruise ship and has some money, pretty soon you'll be putting 100% of your income towards retirement and your children's college while you're whale watching and sipping champagne off the west coast.

I'd say put together a 3/6/12 month plan for now, and don't worry about the 5-10 year plan. Once the D is final, you have everything nailed down, etc, then things come in to focus a bit more and you'll be able to start looking ahead a bit. But TRUST that if you make good choices day by day the road will always open in front of you. Most importantly, you'll always know you did everything possible. For me that's worth more than a polaroid of a humpback anyway...


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2549734 03/21/15 03:29 PM
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Much like everyone here says to see an attorney because knowledge is power, see a financial advisor. You may not be able to complete your plan until everything is settled, but at least you will have an idea of what is available to you. I agree with Zues on this, work out a 1/3/6/12 month plan. That SHOULD help clarify things further down the road.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
bdub #2549815 03/21/15 08:14 PM
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Bdub, I WORK for a financial advisor and that's what I'm working towards now as my career goal. It's part of what's got me anxious -- I see the impact every day of not being sufficiently prepared for the future. I've been doing a LOT of research into budgeting, etc., in preparation for my divorce, and part of my pain is seeing how VERY different my financial situation could have been if STBX had not decided that going over our finances together made him "uncomfortable." If he had sucked up his discomfort seventeen years ago and learned to communicate through it, we might not have saved the marriage but we WOULD have saved a he!! of a lot of money. (Partly my fault too since I took his word for it that we were "fine" and never pushed the issue till about 4 years ago... hm... that's about when he started sleeping around... interesting).

Anyway....

Quote:
I'd say put together a 3/6/12 month plan for now, and don't worry about the 5-10 year plan. Once the D is final, you have everything nailed down, etc, then things come in to focus a bit more and you'll be able to start looking ahead a bit. But TRUST that if you make good choices day by day the road will always open in front of you. Most importantly, you'll always know you did everything possible.


and

Quote:
My own goal is to get to the point where I don't need STBX's child support check each month to maintain our standard of living. With a few lucky breaks, I think I might get there in 4 years or so.


were exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. (And bdub, Claire, and Wonka too!!!) The shorter my view has been through all this process, the better things have fallen together for me. I do need to have faith that I will have everything I need.

My parents paid a VERY minimal amount for my college, and it was TREMENDOUSLY stressful. I paid my own way through most of it through a combination of work and scholarships. I didn't have a car, either, as most people did. By the time I finished school I was really burnt out for any significant efforts for several years and I made some pretty bad decisions. I have lots of friends now putting kids through college and they all talk about how much harder it is just to get in than it was when we all went to college. My kids will have to do everything I did in high school just to gain admittance to college; I don't know how they'll get assistance paying for it. My co-worker, who has two adult daughters, said that a lot of people only have so much to pay up front for school, so the kids take out loans and then the parents will contribute to some amount of the payments for however long after. So I guess there are a lot of ways to finesse it.

My in-laws paid for EVERYTHING for all three of their kids plus a niece. And I mean everything -- down to beer money. My FIL used to be really impressed because STBX would put together a spreadsheet showing exactly how he'd spent his money each month, including beer money as a minor, and happily paid up. It's kind of infuriating to me that had we made more mature decisions and done a better job of communicating with one another early on, that we would have been positioned to be that generous to my kids. I want to be able to help them focus on school so that they aren't as burnt out on graduation as I was, though not to the extent that my in-laws were.

It's better for my kids to have skin in the game. It may be that they have to go to community college for a couple of years before moving on, and that's probably a good thing, because they'll be better prepared to use the big bucks wisely.

And yeah, I can't eat the financial elephant any more than I could eat any of the other elephants up to now, so I'd might as well just keep my focus short term and know that things will likely be ok. Because now I know better, I can do better. It's just... D12 is only six years away from college and I already feel like she's taken enough hits because of her irresponsible parents.

Thank you all for coming through for me. smile I spent the morning out at barn sales with a great friend of mine, getting lots of ideas for my next home. That was a really hope-filled way to spend the day. Now I'm going to continue the theme by doing a big home tidying and purge and planning a yard sale.

Here's another quote that I need to hang up in pretty much every room of my house:

She believed she could, so she did.

I think it's Jethro Tull.

All will be well. All IS well.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2549833 03/21/15 09:34 PM
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smile

Last edited by claire7; 03/21/15 09:34 PM.

Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2549920 03/22/15 05:23 AM
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Wow. Potential amazing opportunity to solve ALL of my housing issues. Thank happy thoughts, folks, if this comes through it will be more grace/good fortune/luck/blessing than I could ever deserve.

Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2549946 03/22/15 10:11 AM
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Nope, I disagree it's not more than you deserve. It's what you worked for mayb!

You worked for it you created it. Gooooooooooo mayb


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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