Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[bdub]

Take your time and enjoy the new experiences. Good for your ego (mostly) and it will change your outlook on a lot of things.

[gogofo]

Doing some journaling:

Been having a little rough go the last couple of days. I have been physically exhausted and having trouble with my energy. I just cannot seem to get enough sleep. I have been exercising but I think that grieving is wearing me out.

On Thursday I went out with a couple of friends and drank too much. I saw a coworker of my XW and it brought up a bunch of feelings about my situation. She basically alluded to the fact that my XW and her OM were off and on when we were trying to fix our M. It makes sense and explains a lot of her wild swings in feelings. It still hurts to think about though.

I have been angry lately. Angry at my XW and angry at my situation. Angry at being betrayed by my XW. Angry that my oldest son cries for a half an hour for his mom when I pick him up on my nights.

I just don't know what I am feeling or how to feel, I have just been feeling pretty blah. I had been feeling up for a little while, but now not so much. I know this will pass, but I need to get through it.

I just don't want to feel down emotionally and physically. I think part of it is that I don't have the boys this weekend and I didn't really make and solid plans so sitting at home when it is quiet has me thinking too much. Also I have become disgusted at the sight of people in love. I am pretty sure it is a normal part of the grieving process, but this anger is new to me.

I did have a good time on Friday and though I would ride the momentum into the weekend, but it didn't happen. It was fun though, my friend called and at the drop of a hat we drove two and a half hours both ways to watch Bad Religion play. I have been waiting 15 years to see them. It was a great time and a much needed break from what is going on.

[TenBook]

Whatever happens, keep that connection with your son. As he gets older he's going to into the past 5 range he's going to need a solid relationship with his dad. Guidance, unconditional love, teaching him stuff.

Do not let that father son relationship go. I promise you that your son will need his dad!

[gogofo]

The relationship with my kids is what keeps me going. No matter the way my day is going they always brighten my day. Whenever I have the kids what ever we do is all about them.

I am taking this Friday off and taking the kids out of town to do some shopping. We may stay the night, but we will definitely have fun.

I have Easter plans with the kids and that should be a lot of fun too. Doing a big family dinner.

I just need to get through this phase and stage of healing. I don't want to take any shortcuts. I need to walk all the steps and deal with my situation in the correct way.

[gogofo]

Had a fun filled weekend with the kids. I really cherish my time I get to spend with them. Unfortunately the more time I spend with them the more upset I get about the D.

I think the time my attitude started to shift was the last month before the D when my youngest wasn't feeling well and wanted me to lay in bed with him while he fell asleep. I just remember holding back tears because I would no longer be able to do this every night. I was being robbed of half of the time I can spend with my kids and be their father.

Recently I have been missing companionship. When the kids are gone and I am home at night I missing having that someone there to talk to and share with.

I have been angry and jealous at the XW lately still. I am harboring resentment that she dropped all we had for OM and is moving forward with her life, or so it seems as I am just mind reading. She does not have a mortgage or rent payment, gets child support from me, just cashed in a healthy amount of money from selling our home, bought a new car last Friday, and has all sorts of travel plans every other weekend because she is kid free. Just venting but it seems life will not be showing her consequences any time soon. She will not struggle and right now my opinion is that I want her life to turn to sh!t.

All in all I have been doing well. Had a little get together last Wednesday. A couple friends and my brother came over and we grilled some burgers and my brother, a barber, gave some haircuts. A good friend and I ended up talking about women and relationships long into the night. I shared how the XW had an exit plan and has OM. He agreed that most people don't leave without going to someone else or something else. He said that I was a good guy and most people are shocked at her leaving me.

We also talked about still having feelings for our exes. I told him I would try to have another R with her, not soon, but sometime in the future. I don't want to hold out for it but I admitted that there will always be that connection we have and it would be hard not to turn down a chance to build a new R with her in the future. He has the same thing with an XGF he had for about 5 years.

We talked about how it is tough to think about the things that could have changed or we could have changed and maybe things would be different.

All in all my emotional state is getting better. I am feeling stronger, but still have anger at the XW.

On my pinterest feed I will see things she pins every now and then and some are love or life quotes and they will sometimes send me off. Things like "Love doesn't hurt, loving the wrong person does". It gets me to mind read and picture her is relationship bliss and happy with her life. Makes me feel she got all she wanted in her little plan.

At times I think I should remove her from my feed but I think seeing some of this stuff hammers home the reality that she is in love with OM and I need to figure out my side of the D.

When I do things with the kids I take pictures, she does too. She has been pretty free and sharing pictures with me, but I haven't. I have been thinking why. The first reason is I don't think she has the right to get my pictures and she has left and I want her to miss out on the things I do with them; I want her to be punished. The second is I feel what the kids and I do together is our stuff and she has no right to it. Still working on these feelings and my actions about this.

[Vapo]

Dude, why can't you just unfriend her or at least unfollow her. Clearly you see that there is no good in following her...

[Sotto]

I agree with Vapo - seeing this kind of stuff online just causes upset and doesn't help with moving forward. I would just go cold turkey and stop any feeds/links like that - JMHO..

[HeavyD]

I suggest getting off all social media!

[gogofo]

It is really the only social media that I have. I should un-follow everyone and just use it as a personal program.

I know a part of the reason I do not remove her is I can browse what she has pinned and it is like spying or gathering intelligence.

Now thinking about it it would help me detach and move along with myself.

[gogofo]

Made the decision last night to start reading a new book. I have stayed away from self help books and relationship books for about two months. I made this decision because I felt I was focusing too much on my R than on me as a person. I would read the books and see the work the XW and I could do to improve our M. I way misunderstood the position my M was in and thought we were ready to do some heavier work.

Now the focus is on me and my growth. I read for about 20 minutes last night and feel that "NMMNG" will be a good read for me. I need to not be so nice and not be so scared of rocking the boat. I have felt beaten down for a while and need to grow some back bone.

I don't feel the XW was intentionally beating me down, I allowed myself to have too much responsibility for everything. I was doing good with the DB process but what I missed was to take care of myself and not be a push over. I was too scared to make a mistake and then I started to stagnate. The temperature of the M was directly controlling my emotions.

So I hope the book and learning will help me move forward with gathering internal strength. I still find myself with stomach aches when thinking about the XW and/or our interactions. I don't need to feel this way and will work towards growing as a person.