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A Message from Michele
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Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: Jefe] #2556260
04/11/15 09:14 AM
04/11/15 09:14 AM
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Sotto Offline
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Jefe, I'm really pleased things are going well for you guys. It sounds like you are making lots of progress. Hopefully you're balancing some of the nicer stuff with dealing with some of the more difficult things too. I'm reminded of some comments from an Andrew G Marshall book - MHDLMAITSE.

"It's human nature to want to concentrate on the nice parts of rebuilding your relationship...cuddles, nights out...However, it is equally important to look at the nasty stuff, for example acknowledging anger, unexpressed hurt or working on changing communication. In this way you will be dismantling the wall between you one brick at a time (with each positive interaction) rather than trying to pretend it doesn't exist or looking for magical ways to blast it away.

In effect, you will be able to stare into the darkness, but still stand firm. Slowly but surely, you will discover some grey amog the black and even a few spots of light. If you can live in the moment, rather than worrying about next week, month or year, you will be able to talk calmly and your (spouse) will respond better. Slowly but surely, you are developing resilience and that's a great skill to posess - whatever happens next."

I hope this is helpful Jefe, and that you guys can face what is needed for a sustainable recovery. I'm only posting this because your post was mainly about the 'nice' stuff. It would be good to hear about how you are dealing with some of the 'nasty' stuff too.

Have a good weekend my friend (((Jefe)))


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: Sotto] #2556321
04/11/15 03:30 PM
04/11/15 03:30 PM
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NY
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Hope414 Offline
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Great stuff!


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: Sotto] #2556794
04/13/15 03:12 PM
04/13/15 03:12 PM
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Heart14 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Toots
I'm reminded of some comments from an Andrew G Marshall book - MHDLMAITSE.

"It's human nature to want to concentrate on the nice parts of rebuilding your relationship...cuddles, nights out...However, it is equally important to look at the nasty stuff, for example acknowledging anger, unexpressed hurt or working on changing communication. In this way you will be dismantling the wall between you one brick at a time (with each positive interaction) rather than trying to pretend it doesn't exist or looking for magical ways to blast it away.

In effect, you will be able to stare into the darkness, but still stand firm. Slowly but surely, you will discover some grey amog the black and even a few spots of light. If you can live in the moment, rather than worrying about next week, month or year, you will be able to talk calmly and your (spouse) will respond better. Slowly but surely, you are developing resilience and that's a great skill to posess - whatever happens next."


Good post, Toots. I think this quote is very true. It's not fun to talk about the painful parts. It is necessary to address them in order to grow and have a healthy R.

Glad to see things are still progressing well, Jefe!


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: Heart14] #2556821
04/13/15 04:36 PM
04/13/15 04:36 PM
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Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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Wow Jefe, big changes.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: Jefe] #2556822
04/13/15 04:37 PM
04/13/15 04:37 PM
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labug Offline
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Originally Posted By: Jefe
I learned to let go and let her be her. To stop trying to control and change her into what I want and just love her for who she is.

I learned to let go and let God run the show.

I learned that I need to take the focus off me and put it on the people I love.

I learned if you constantly think negative thoughts about a person or situation that's all you'll be left with after a while.

I learned that if I have a need I should ask for it and not manipulate, control, or withdraw to force people to serve me.

I learned that unconditional love is just that, unconditional.

I learned that God really can and will restore things if you have faith and trust that He knows best.

I learned that if one of us is unhappy it is up to both of us to fix it. We're in this together. This is a "Joint and Several Covenant" meaning we are both equally 100% responsible for this marriage. The only thing split 50/50 around here is the pizza on pizza night.

Above all, I learned that my wife, after God, is the most important thing in my life. That I should NEVER take her or our marriage for granted again. That we have to wake up every single day and choose to love each other again and again. We took vows to Love, Honor, and Cherish. You actually have to do those things. Do them with no expectations of getting anything in return.

And this just scratches the surface.


No matter what happens if you can stick with this, you will be successful in life.

Last edited by labug; 04/13/15 04:39 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: labug] #2564872
05/06/15 11:12 AM
05/06/15 11:12 AM
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Posts: 2,685
FL
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SunnyB Offline
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Jefe you've been quiet. I hope that means things are going well. Give us an update!



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: SunnyB] #2567017
05/12/15 05:07 PM
05/12/15 05:07 PM
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Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline OP
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I am so sorry to be this tardy with a reply to you RPPFL (I love the new name!) and just an update in general.

My wife and I are doing fantastic! I haven't been on here very much because we have committed to spending a lot of time with each other. My business is picking back up and I was just offered an opportunity to take on an account that could very well feed us just by itself. She has also taken on some extra hours to help dig us out of our financial mess that we have created this past year+.

It hasn't all been sunshine and roses but I will take what we have right here today over anything else, including when we first got married. This is so much better. We communicate extremely well, and often. I still struggle with things that are in my own head, from time to time, but that gets easier day to day as well.

She has remained completely transparent, no locks or passwords that I don't know about. No messaging apps hidden or active anywhere. And she has worked very hard on being a better wife as well. She told me for no other reason than she is very proud to be married to the person that I am right now.

I'll do my best to be a little more active here, as I definitely feel that I need to give back to the place that did the most for my marriage (other than the relentless prayer, of course).

Happy belated Mother's Day, ladies!


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: Jefe] #2567090
05/12/15 07:18 PM
05/12/15 07:18 PM
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twinmom Offline
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So glad to hear things are going well.

Care to share how you are handing the "flashbacks" and other triggers?


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: twinmom] #2567096
05/12/15 07:39 PM
05/12/15 07:39 PM
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Sotto Offline
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Hi Jefe, I'm so glad you guys are doing well. Keep posting, and letting us know how you're doing!

Best wishes, Toots :-)

Last edited by Toots; 05/12/15 07:39 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: Sotto] #2567334
05/13/15 01:56 PM
05/13/15 01:56 PM
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Posts: 1,102
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline OP
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Thank you Toots.

Twin, in the first 30 days I did poorly with the "flashbacks". I underestimated how they would come on and how they would trigger. Then my wife said something that at first angered me a little then I got to thinking about it and she was basically right. She said: "You either trust me or you don't. There is little I can do to change your mind either way." Now, here's the thing with that statement, what she meant was that if I've made up my mind that she's still doing those things then that's all I'll be able to see.

The way I deal with it now is this:

1) I have forgiven her. I don't get to rehash it or beat her up over it anymore. Every time I get jittery about some feeling that is in my head, that's my problem to deal with. I have complete transparency and intel so if there is a new problem (and there is none) then we can deal with the new problem. But it must start with me giving her the benefit of the doubt. No one can live under a microscope of negativity so me continually looking for a problem is problematic in of itself.

She's still the same flawed and broken individual I married (I am too!) and I have to accept her for how she is.

2) When these "flashbacks" or mental images of situations (perceived mind you, because I wasn't there and really don't know) come about I have the choice then and there to get on that train and entertain that thought or I can simply allow that train to pass the station and find a more pleasant and much safer train to board. This is very hard and I practice it daily but it gets easier as time goes by. I suspect there will always be triggers but I hope to get them down to once a year or less.

Seems funny you asking me how I deal with my thought patterns when just a short 6 months ago you were trying to help me keep my mind focused somewhere else.

How are things in your world, Twin?


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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