Part 16 - edz, just edz

[edz]

Previous Thread Part 15 - A Blue Edz Rising

W seems to alternate between signs of wanting to reconcile and periods dropping off the planet, a talk she desperately wants to have with me seems to be being put off indefinitely although w tells me she is not stalling for time and hasnt ruled everything out.

Im woefully, abysmally bad at GAL apart from exercising and solo pursuits such as swimming and walking.

Relaxing slightly from posting while I work out some more of who I am and what makes me happy something thats got very lost over the years.

[edz]

So been a reasonably good day with s, weather wasnt up to much despite the promised spring weekend - was warmer but mostly grey.

We mixed some video games, going to the park, having an ice cream (well s did - black coffee for me) throwing about the baseball visiting the shops for salad and some odds and ends and now he's in the bath.

For various reasons I wont go into I know "thing" is alive and well still - still no one else involved I know about but it certainly explains why a chat or anything further hasnt materialised. Something w definitely needs to work through before she'll speak to me but I imagine that will be coming soon enough and I dont imagine we'll be coming out from it together if its what I think.

I'll hope my assumptions are wrong because if they arent she's been fairly seriously misleading me on her intentions for a while now. Before anyone says she left you in July, I know and I was ready to move on in January she then started to talk about not ruling out things.

Anyway not the evening for it, s being here is keeping me happy but sitch looks as bleak as it has in a while. I would really love some honesty and openness from w right now, guess I'll just keep waiting since I dont want to say ok we're done.

Anyway off to check on s and I have some avenues for GAL to investigate, need to find something that will keep me coming back dont mind if thats a stretch from my comfort zone as long as its realistic, canal cleaning (much as Im sure is a worthy and fantastic endeavour for outdoors types is not going to work for me, sadly nerve damage and pins in my leg mean dancing isnt a likely route either, may try yoga though).

Anyway said I'd be posting less not more. I imagine - unless w draws holding this conversation she told me she desperately wants to have - I may have some serious updates to post soon enough.

Hope you guys are all well



Edz

[Sotto]

Hi Edz, sorry you had some grey weather, wall to wall sunshine up here today! Sounds like you had a pretty nice day though.

You seem to be shifting and shaking things up a little in your sitch, which is no bad thing for any of us I feel. So you may try yoga hey? I love my yoga class, and it's pretty cheap gal, just £6 a time for a 75 minute class. My new teacher is an inner wheel of yoga teacher, and they are top of the pile as I understand it (I'm no expert, can you tell?) But it is worth looking on their website to see if a really good teacher has classes in your area.

I quite like having aqua aerobics and yoga as GAL activities - both are with other people, but in a pretty understated way. You often get guys coming along to our yoga class too, and the instructor is male.

I know you feel a sense of 'anticipation' with your sitch - but if you can convert that to positive anticipation about your own life going forwards - that would be lovely to see.

Anyway Edz, we may see a bit less of you, but you know where we are if you need us!

[edz]

Hi Toots

It wasnt a bad day really quite a fun time with s, we're pretty relaxed together now. Took an opportunity to reflect when we were in the park. Here we are, relaxed, father and son throwing the ball back and forth, Im in black chinos, crimson fitted top black leather jacket and shoes and 3 stone lighter with a nice tidy hairstyle. How much of that would I have imagined possible in July, for that matter pre-bd when I was in a very dark place.

Yes, I want w (or is it just someone?) in my life I do miss w and our past together but I simply dont have any power to influence her and nothing I say (well maybe that I know about thing but otherwise nothing) will be of suprise to her so right now, this is it, the best I can do and just focus on me.

Shifting things up? Mmmm, maybe. I know Im at a crossroads, we're at a crossroads. Both feature me continuing to develop and find not just myself but also what I want to be *next* one is with w one is not and may be with someone new further along the road. I suppose Im a little impatient for w to be forthright on whether these noises she's made of wanting to see where things can go together or whether, despite her comments this week to the contrary, she's just stalling while she works out thing. I honestly dont know.

Yoga I havent ruled out, saw some details when s and I went swimming seems low impact and providing I can get a learners class dont see why not. Only aqua class near me is 60+ so probably not sadly.

I think I sway between anticipation, excitement and dread depending on what w is telling me at the time. Its important that none of them leave me shattered anymore. I'm more afraid at the thought of inaction or stagnating and thats probably whats leading to this impatience and slight anger at the thought w may be playing me (I'm hoping she isnt but certain things lead me to believe Im not getting the full story - but then who does in or out of a relationship?)

I'll be about Toots, just a max of 4 or 5 posts a day instead of the 15+ an hour probably less frantic too, think I need to be done with the frenzy of mind that was starting to grip me. Some days I may be away from the forum but I'll do my best to check in especially on the big stuff.

[edz]

Evening all

Been another busy day. Started with a chunk of dull stuff housework et all that needed doing. Made s breakfast and we headed out. Had a bit of fun in the park with baseball and mit and the play park but the weather down here is seriously meh very much overcast cold and drizzly.

While out w texted me to say she had no issue if s wants to stay tonight, then she chased and chased again. I hadn't replied since the phone signal was lousy and then I was driving.

When we got back in sent w a text saying yes he wanted to stay but w needs to have a chat with s (he raised some issues with me about w and mil and I didnt want to appear to be in the middle of it) said I'd be happy to discuss when she picks s up.

Anyway w called me and we had an hour on the phone. Lots covered a lot on frustrations w is having with s (the whole s/mil/fil thing s had mentioned brought w to tears on phone due to frustration), lots on the r before bd. Listened, validated as much as possible and was also honest with her over several issues where she asked or we got into the right places for my input.

W again said no there is no one else in the picture or any plans. Said she can't commit to a reconciliation at the moment and she's just not there yet.

Now less it sound like I was pursuing the only song I sang was the same one, I respect her choice this isn't what I want and I would like to work to rebuild our marriage if she chooses to do so as well. Call length,everything else was w.

No mention of thing of course. Its clearly one of the issues she's working through.

So no real change in the sitch but progress in talking,there was a huge amount in there from s and problems with h.e. and possible options for w to investigate which I'll be happy to discuss with her through issues shed had in the past few years and where I was before bd.

Way too much to bullet here will be interesting to see if it makes any changes in w in the near future though I have (honestly) no expectations she has any intentions in doing anything other than living with s in the apartment alone (unless thing kicks into another gear but clearly can't go into that still)

So tonight just chilling out after bathing s (well he baths himself I just ran it and provided fresh PJs and music selections talking to him from the office opposite the bathroom) working from home tomorrow and w picking s up about 9:30 originally w mentioned me dropping him off but I said w picking him up was better for me due to work.

Tomorrow night will be swimming and I'll be looking into beginners yoga class, what I'd need times and costs etc.

Will update soon.

Take it easy guys.

[Vanilla]

Adult GAL Edz. But things are calmer for you even with thingy

And BFT how is my share of BFT? I have some spare salmon BFT.

Big G lived to 22 and Thomas puss to 24, so BFT is still middle aged!

Fear not BFT, there is salmon.

V

[edz]

Oh to send pics..

Bft occupying about a quarter of a king size duvet in a spread out fashion right now v, snoring and purring simultaneously!

She's 16 in early may and seems ok if deeply lazy!

I'm calm indeed, one interesting comment from w was she'd noticed I was a lot more confident, interesting I hadn't been thinking of that as a 180 and hadn't thought of it but it makes sense given the way I was.

Thing is thing is thing can't talk about it and it bakes my noodle but its what it is.

[Vanilla]

Edz

I could only post this to you. The cat in this pic is my loving Big G look alike. Apparently it is a special program where children read to abandoned cats. This went viral.

So ahhhhhhhhhhhh........

so cute

V

[edz]

Awwww my dad had a cat just like that v, only cat I knew would shake paws for treats hes much missed too.

[edz]

Afternoon all

well an interesting morning. W came around about 9:40 to get s, and I made her some toast and coffee. And we sat and chatted about things (not deep r stuff yet) she started crying at one point and I asked her would she feel better if I held her she said yes, just a sitting down head on shoulder nothing romatic. She still seems distanced and told me she does feel empty.

I ended up re-arranging my morning and moving calls to this afternoon and we went out to grab some brunch (well w and s did just coffee for me) just light chat mostly about s needing a haircut. We'd have liked to go for a walk too but the damnable weather is still revolting down here and w's stomach is playing up so we went back to the house and w picked up the car and went back to the flat with s.

I'm out for swimming tonight and s is coming along so I'll be over there at 5 ish to pick him up (he's not staying tonight).

W and I did touch upon talking, w seems very isolated and isnt talking to anyone about how she feels, I've said she can talk to me about things (unless obviously those things are me in which case she should find someone to talk to be it a friend or a professional) through the course of the chat I did restate my boundry about I cant just be friends but I'm here.

It could all, will all, change soon whether thats the way I want things to go, well who knows?

W does seem to feel more comfortable with me within her personal space though and I am trying to show I respect that space and dont want her to feel uncomfortable. We were talking in the kitchen (s was in the living room) and she did say at one point (before she cried) that she felt a little under the spotlight, I asked how I could ease that she said no it was simply speaking one on one with anyone.

S was a little upset when he was going, I understand his feelings, he saw us all together this morning and wants that as do I but I've previously explained he will just need to go with the flow and we'll work out as we work out.

Oddly natural this morning, I felt very relaxed and calm and once or twice I saw the relaxed happy w momentarilly appear although she soon went back to distance but thats to be expected, all is patience.

We did briefly discuss an 80s revival concert thats coming down to the south next month, w was quite interested so that may be something we both may enjoy together.

I wont lie, I wanted them both to stay, I wanted w to say ok lets try this I wanted all of that but its not a topic for today and its not a topic I have the power to raise. Interestingly w was looking around the house today, looking in the rooms, seeing s's room dont know if thats important or im reading something thats not there, she even said the house over the road is the one she'd like (clearly though she didnt say anything like "the one we should go for" and so Im not reading something into her comments).

I think she's weighing the possibilities right now, thats more than I could have dreamt of in August, less than I truly want but grounds for hope at least if not going down the path of expectations.

Well, need to catch up now after playing hooky this morning.

Anyway, just a quick update.

Thanks all.

Edz