Zelda - I want it all, all right now.

[Zelda09]

I got home half an hour ago.
Greeted by cold silence. Very reminiscent of the period before we separated.
So I took a shower and when I got out, asked, "when would you like to discuss this?"

"another day."

"Would I be able to have the bedroom tonight?"

And then he exited to the living room.

So, the fight or flight arousal is dying down now.
I guess this means he has nothing he wishes to apologize for. Fine.

[susana4]

Oh Z. ((()))

I am glad you are safe right now, at least.

I know that an apology might be part of a cycle of abuse, but the fact he's not apologising? That's concerning.

Have you thought of how you'll handle it if/when he apologises?

[BFloat]

I read some of your posts when it was on newcomers. I recall that it caught my attention because he was taking a lot of oxy at that time. But then it seemed like it became a non issue because it wasn't really mentioned anymore.

Where is he with this? Is he still on oxy? This is just my observation and you can take it or leave it...

But it seems like he is manipulating you. The I'm sorrys... The I think I have a mental illness.. It seems like he has been saying all sorts of things to appease (not quite the word I'm looking for but it'll do) you.. To keep you in the game.. To make himself the victim.. And when that doesn't work, the it's.. You always make me feel this.. You are the horrible person..

I am not speaking from personal experience in my relationship but as a pattern in pts I have cared for.

Are you actually in piecing? Or are you trying to patch together your marriage and he is going along to keep you "happy"? I don't know the answer. I'm just asking a hard question.

[Vanilla]

Z

What has happened is that you have broken the cycle in the abuse phase.

I suspect H will find that difficult and uncomfortable and not know what to do with the change. The cycle is interrupted at this point.

Hence the silent treatment, cold shoulder and possibly "looks could kill". After my H went on his golf weekend he came back and immediately the criticisms and abuse started about not cleaning the fridge and finishing the ironing. I decided no more abuse, said so, then texted, went to the police etc. In the interim H started with the silent treatment and ironed only his own clothes, there was fridge door banging etc. I left and did not go back. I am still getting the silent treatment, next phase will be concern etc, H will want to return to the cycle. Counsellors say keep up the boundary and no rewarding of what should be ordinary day to day behaviour in a spouse. Keeping the cycle broken is key to stopping the abuse.

If you continue to keep "cool" and detached (no flooding), you may be accused of being disinterested in Hs pain. I add warmth to my voice and project love from my tummy and keep the questions open. Be clear in your boundary too, friend Al insists on friend style communications. The more detached I was the easier it became. My aim is to stop the abuse, H is responsible for sorting his own head out and playing in his own sandbox. How a 59 year old man grows up is his choice, he should no longer blame his parents etc. H has been his own appropriate adult since he was 19 and left home, that is 40 years of parenting himself. Sadly Al seems to feel my position in the master talk is the most difficult to lead from and recover. luckily I have been a friend position in most of my Rs and that is uncomfortable for me too. As a passive master, you can be more proactive.

Keep posting Z, And I will share as much as I can.

V

[Vanilla]

Of course should have said, as your H is a passive master!

V

[Zelda09]

Float, nice hard questions there.

The oxy became a non-concern when we hashed it out with our MC and she agreed that 5mg as prescribed, and has been monitored with pain management was probably not in the realm of concern. I agreed to let it go for a few months and stop asking him every day how much he'd taken.

My H has never wanted this M, in any active way, but then again he's never wanted anything. This isn't me mind reading, this is what he tells me. (Well, he hasn't said as much about the marriage, only in anger.) So, I think the answer is yes - he thrives in a very co-dependent way on 'making me happy' as long as there is not expectations or responsibility involved on his part. He likes to bake and feed me, and encourage me to keep working hard, brag to everyone how proud of me he is. And for a week or two, answered my call for help with the housework.

I feel manipulated. I feel bullied. I feel crazy that I can't say something directly - not in a tempermental way either, without him coming back with, "I hope you're not trying to do this or that by saying xyz..." So I STFU like a good little girl and hate myself for it.

There's been a couple of times now he's called me passive aggressive which is the most confusing thing because I am just making statements at that point. He twists and turns and splits hairs until I think I'm going to go nuts.

I am trying to get up the courage to ask for a D. This has been like this for years, and he's done a great job of keeping me in the game, and I'm glad I had the chance to look at me and my contributions in all of this. But I am miserable. The violence the other night, it's just too much.

I am trying to imagine life without our dog, and if he's going to try for the house. The dog is the hardest. I laid in bed last night trying to imagine how I'd feel when he starts dating again - or how I'd feel trying to date again and hope fading for my ovaries. You know what's not awesome? A mid-30s woman desperately seeking to mate. It's funny, ever since I was 12 I imagined myself happy and alone. It wasn't util I met him that picture changed for me. In the middle of our fights he'll sometimes say, Z, I'm not your dad. But what does it matter if I end up feeling the same way I did years ago? At least my father was a provider.

I am amazed I held down my job, the big stressful one, and still found the energy to show up for the hobby-jobs during those 3 months he left me. I feel weak, depressed, and crazy now and can't imagine how I am going to hold it together for another round if I choose to start the D proceedings.

I feel ready to make this decision because I am out of hope that he will ever step out of man-chid-victim mindset. I believe he wants to, I believe he's a good person, but life is short. I'm going to see if our MC can talk with me today.

[Zelda09]

Mc recommended that the roommate is present tonight when we talk and he's sgreed. He heard what happened.

Except H has gone out. That's inconvenient, I'd got my courage up.

Was going to tell him that I do not wish to live in a hostile environment; there is no excuse for what he did. And see how he wishes to handle. If he equivocates or tries to shift the blame or do much of anything other than sign up for some serious intensive anger management/violence coursework - I will tell him I wish to go our separate ways.

I am losing courage and becoming sentimental - it's like feeling blood drain out of me. It feels like part of a grand design to keep silly people like me making more excuses.

My roommate just looked at me asking when the last time was going to be the last and how many chances I wNted to give him on these points. Susana was right, I can't claim it was a one time thing, it's an escalation of tactics.

This seems to be a very anti dB attitude. I know he has thoughts and feeling that make sense to him. I just don't want to continue to be run down by them. Even roomie rolled his eyes at the shouting he heard - what was all that about how you don't care about him? Guy just loves to be the victim even as he's destroying your things.

[susana4]

Z, I don't think it's an anti DB attitude, DBing isn't about takinh abuse and in the case of abuse I think we would all agree to protect yourself first!


I think having the roommate there is a good plan if you are afraid for your safety at all. It will hold him accountable for what he does as well.

If you decide you don't want to D I think you need to set a strong boundary like V said. And I know you can't force anyone to do anything but it does sound like an anger management course would be helpful!

Good luck in talking to him. Will you be able to speak later or will you have to wait for another night? What do you plan to do since he was out?

[Zelda09]

I am enjoying my dog. I'll stay up a bit, got to bed in a couple hours if need be and aim for tomorrow.

[Vanilla]

Z

H is lucky that you have no recording of his abuse! I agree with MC, and the other thing that I have learned is that most abusers have up to 50 incidents before the target says STOP and takes action.

I said to myself V it is not like that for you surely? From my journal alone I count over 200 incidents, as many as 3 in one day in a 15 month period. Only a couple of dozen at the highest level. So by having no boundaries or weak boundaries at best I had a role in encouraging H in his abuse. The number of the abuses from my journal notes dropped by 75% as soon as I started detatching and I began to set boundaries (Oct 2014, when I joined the board here) and from then they were reducing. Major episodes reduced to approximately one per month and were documented by V in her journal. V enforced boundaries each time a major episode happened. Every time the abuse repeated the consequences were carried out, next time if there ever is one I will have a police injunction.

Frankly I am expecting H to avoid you as much as possible until he believes life is calmer. He has realised by now you are taking this seriously and will want to play it as less than it is. Learn from the escalation and inactivity of V in Vs sitch: I urge you to take action to protect yourself Z. Stay strong for your own sake. Remember abuse is about control and expectation and is applied with aggression (not anger), H manages the rest of his world without this behaviour.

Peace and calm today
V