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Originally Posted By: jim0987

Your H is going for a week, you say they go for the summer, is there any opportunity to go out there after your H and still see them?
I am totally not explaining myself well here. This trip is more than a week for everyone, including H and (formerly) me and my kids. Yes, it's possible that I go there without H. I don't want to. I want to be part of the magical summer that I've had for 27 years. The one where we escape the city and my kids roam free and I relax with family and neighbors that I've known forever. And it's not the same experience without H, just trust me on that and don't make me explain why.

I appreciate that everyone is trying to give me a different perspective, I really do. I'm just in a funk about this, this is not changing a week's vacation plan, this is removing something that's been a significant part of my life.



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rppfl- I've meant to tell you this for a long time but haven't gotten around to it. Now I have to make time even if I'll be a hair late for my appointment.

I have admired how you've handled yourself like almost no one else. You show empathy and compassion for your H when you can, and still find positive qualities about him when possible. You have stood by your M a long time and accepted a lot of limbo. You have been very hurt, and angry at times, but it doesn't define you...those seem to be moods or reactions, not your legacy. You aren't rewriting history on your ex, minimizing everything you had because of his recent decisions, but instead are admitting that you are suffering the loss of a good man who is human and has failed.

So many things I can't remember any more. But it's been on my mind since you were talking about "being attractive" or in or out of "someone's league".

I'll tell you my opinion on attractive. I don't care about looks, much less than most men or women even. I don't really care about income, success in the outside world, or whether someone is the life of the party. None of that defines whether "I'll be in to her".

I'm usually more interested in someone that has strong character and values, someone that has some passion to offer...but just as importantly someone that can be into me. Someone that would choose to appreciate me, treat me lovingly, validate me, even when we disagreed or things were tough. Someone that would forgive me and stand by me through tough times.

So don't worry about what you have to offer or what league you're in. You bring a lot to the table and I appreciate you modeling such a healthy path through this loss.


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Zues, thank you. That is such a kind thing to say, and it lifts me up today. smile




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I am coming from a position where I don't get along with the in-laws at all. A big part of that is because ew vented to her mom about everything, constantly. Over the years the resentment built up and MIL had heard so much bad that things just fell apart.

I also need to say I should have read your post a little better. I read it and jumped right to the conclusion that it was only a vacation, no big deal. However, I will stand by what I said before. Either go another week, or start a whole new tradition. I hope your inlaws accept you and you can go at a different time. The children will get a double dose of the fun times that way.

If it is has you in that much of a funk, maybe try to take some of the finality out of it. After all, no one knows what will happen at the end of this 6 month period. 2016 is another year!


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rpp,

Quote:
I appreciate that everyone is trying to give me a different perspective, I really do. I'm just in a funk about this, this is not changing a week's vacation plan, this is removing something that's been a significant part of my life.


Unfortunately, this is what happens when unraveling the tentacles of marriage and family. It's the collateral damage that hurts the most. I haven't been camping since our separation. My XH got the motor home in the D (because he is a far better a mechanic than I am, even in my dreams) and I couldn't afford the maintenance. So when he pulls up with D18 in his newer home away from home, I'm sometimes surprised to see all our old stuff that we used as a family. (I know, that makes no sense.) I love camping and miss it. But apparently, I don't miss it enough to make it happen. And it surprises me that it gets to me now and then.

I also don't get invited to his family functions. I was very close with my former SIL (we still keep in touch, BTW) and a little more than unhappy that I wasn't sent an invitation to his nephew's college graduation. But I get it. He's family, and my kids are family. I'm not. But I've got a great family too. That's the part that makes me happy.

Mourn the loss and move forward. You're going to have to replace what was with what will be. Start a new vacation, all rpp style.

BTW, I have a group of friends from college that I've kept in touch with. One of them is also named Betsy, and she was my junior roomie. She's my traveling pal to D21's volleyball matches. Her son goes to college in NY and she will sometimes travel to her matches with her son. We've done our thing for 3 years now, and when the other 2 showed up at my brother's funeral, we all made a pinky promise to do one last volleyball trip this fall and then convert it to an annual trip with each other - each of us taking a turn at calling the shots on where. We're all really excited about it! The icing on the cake? The trip we decided on in October... one of the teams playing is our alma mater. smile

So... if you got to choose a new vacation plan, what would it be? And how can you make that happen?


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

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Originally Posted By: rppfl
Originally Posted By: jim0987

Your H is going for a week, you say they go for the summer, is there any opportunity to go out there after your H and still see them?
I am totally not explaining myself well here. This trip is more than a week for everyone, including H and (formerly) me and my kids. Yes, it's possible that I go there without H. I don't want to. I want to be part of the magical summer that I've had for 27 years. The one where we escape the city and my kids roam free and I relax with family and neighbors that I've known forever. And it's not the same experience without H, just trust me on that and don't make me explain why.

I appreciate that everyone is trying to give me a different perspective, I really do. I'm just in a funk about this, this is not changing a week's vacation plan, this is removing something that's been a significant part of my life.


I've understood exactly what you've been saying. I have no desire to give you a different perspective. I just want you to know I COMPLETELY get it. It hurts. Wish I had the magic power to fix it. I also hope that I don't offend anyone here at all when I say , some things a new "tradition" just aren't going to fix. For me it's sad because everyone looses, whether they admit it or not.

And BTW, I'm with Zeus. It's more likely that most guys out there aren't in YOUR league than the other way around.

(((rpp))) You almost feel like your family to me.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
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Totally agree with Jefe , you are a woman only a fool would not want. Jefe is also right about the traditions. You can't replace the old ones but you can enjoy the new ones Take care. Rd

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Quote:
I also hope that I don't offend anyone here at all when I say , some things a new "tradition" just aren't going to fix. For me it's sad because everyone looses, whether they admit it or not.


I'm not offended, Jefe. And I wasn't trying to minimize her hurt. Grieving what is lost is certainly understandable and normal.

The only thing we can do in this world is accept the call for change and do it on our own terms. This door closed (like many others in this process, right?). So pick out a new door that works for you.


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

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Quote:
The only thing we can do in this world is accept the call for change and do it on our own terms. This door closed (like many others in this process, right?). So pick out a new door that works for you.


So when I read through and was going to respond, I found Bets had done it for me.

Life is full of things that are unfair, all we can do is grieve whatever and move on.

rpp, I think you're grieving this loss and that's good. I don't think you'll get stuck here and remember, we don't know what's ahead of us.

Perhaps something even better is in your future.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

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I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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Hey RPP, its been a few days. How are you? Any updates? FYI we have 3 inches of snow here. Clean out the spare room, I'm moving to south Florida :-)


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M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
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