still moving on

[Ahoy]

Now that the house has found a buyer, I can start moving things down to my home state. This week I'm making the 20-hour road trip to move a few things down in advance. Really looking forward to it. Picked up a book on tape about meditation to deal with anxiety. The realtor will be getting a few things fixed on the house per the buyer's request while I'm away.

I'm getting to a place -- or at least I aspire to get to a place -- where I don't constantly stew over the false narrative that H is promoting regarding the demise of our marriage. A discussion wouldn't change anything, and I will never get any true apology or remorse from him for his cheating and destroying our family while pretending to be happily in love with me, and for failing to communicate his unhappiness so we could make things better. I need to let go and truly move on. I need to let thoughts of him, and trying to figure out what he's been thinking/doing, diminish into the background and not figure so prominently. Time and distance will help significantly in that regard, I suspect.

Most of all, I want peace of mind. I want to be free of the fear and anxiety that comes with a major life change. I want to embrace the challenges that this new chapter presents as if it were a daring adventure, rather than a failure and retreat.

I think I can do that. But what I am less certain of is ever being able to trust again. I just don't know if that's possible. To love wholly, you have to be vulnerable. I'm not going to be able to do that for a long time, I suspect.

[Maybell]

Most of all, I want peace of mind. I want to be free of the fear and anxiety that comes with a major life change. I want to embrace the challenges that this new chapter presents as if it were a daring adventure, rather than a failure and retreat.

I bet this happens when your life starts feeling like you are driving it, rather than reacting to the conditions HIS choices have imposed. Perhaps like me you still feel like you are accommodating what he wants? Even if you're making your own choices, these aren't the ones you would have made on your own.

But what I am less certain of is ever being able to trust again. I just don't know if that's possible. To love wholly, you have to be vulnerable. I'm not going to be able to do that for a long time, I suspect.

My attitude has become... if I love again (which I think we both will; we're pretty young!) it will be part of a long, deep friendship. A proven friendship. No quick trust. But under those circumstances, the vulnerability and trust will have been earned as we go.

Ahoy, my dear, it is nice to hear you vulnerable and hurting. Not because I wish you pain, but because the dissolution and decisions seemed to come so readily to you. You have been a sturdy lady; I've felt like a delicate flower in comparison to you. I worried that you were in too much shock. Sharing your pain here gives me more confidence that you will be OK.

Drive safely!!! And enjoy your trip!!!

[rd500]

Hi Ahoy. Always impressed by your drive. I hope the move goes well and you and D settle in quickly Please give your self time to deal with all the emotions because this is all moving very fast. Take care. Rd

[Ahoy]

Thank you guys. I'm trying to see this as an opportunity for personal growth and learning. There must be something positive to emerge from all this grief and pain. Even though I am 1000% sure I don't want to be married to my H anymore, I won't deny the grieving process. But I am grieving for what I thought I had. And in truth he wasn't who I thought he was. So I think some of the crying is self-pity and feeling like an idiot, so I don't want to wallow too much in that area. Time to pick myself up and move on. Hugs to you all.

[Dawn70]

Good for you! Sounds like you are getting to a good place. I am keeping you in my positive thoughts and prayers. Good luck with the move. I am so impressed with your attitude and the place you seem to be in. I know, for me, anxiety is hard to deal with, but I like the idea of the book on tape. I hope that helps you. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to be married to your H anymore, but not denying the grieving process. Sounds like we are in very similar places, so please know that you are not alone. I am thinking of you and rooting for you every single step of the way. And if we knew each other in person, I would sit down and have a glass of tea (or cup of coffee or whatever your beverage of choice might be) and we could commiserate our similar situations and our happy new possibilities for life. Good luck to you, Ahoy! I'm going to be following your sitch and cheering you on.

[Ahoy]

Should be signing off on the dissolution papers this week. Closing on the house sale this morning. Sold off most of possessions and prepping for the move at the end of May. Have a house lined up in home state, and arranging to have wood floors put in. Basically, getting things done and moving on with my life. I'm capable of so much more than I ever thought possible.

I've done some reading, and am seeing STBX in a new light. He has ADHD, and it's closely linked to cluster B personality disorders (narcissism, etc.), and a family history of depression and schizophrenia. He could be depressed, he could be bipolar he could have NPD. But it doesn't matter, because I don't have to care anymore. He is someone else's problem now! Whatever caused him to cheat, it was still his choice, and it's not a choice I can ever respect, and he's not a person I could ever trust. I'd rather be happy on my own, and take a chance on finding another companion in the future (although I don't need that to happen to be happy).

I am so excited to be moving on and putting him in my rear-view mirror. It will be nice to get back to the place and people I love.

[Dawn70]

I am so super excited for you! You sound so positive and like you are really excited about moving ahead. I'm telling you, as much as I once loved my XH, this whole thing has been so very freeing. Moving to your new place, getting settled, making it your own....so very cathartic. I'm rooting for you and cheering you on.

Good for you, my friend, good for you! Happy new home!

[rd500]

Hi Ahoy. The move seems like a positive thing , your moving on with your life which is always positive. How's D ? Did relations with H improve ? Sounds like a really busy time for and I wish you all the best Take care. Rd

[Maybell]

Congratulations on having things come together so beautifully! I hope it continues to go so smoothly. And I hope you love your wood floors.

That's interesting about the adhd. It was suggested that STBX might be; his brother is receiving treatment for his and I think his dad is as well, and his dad certainly has narcissistic qualities (which I say with sincerity and zero snark).

Keep us posted!

[Ahoy]

Hi all -- D14 is doing okay -- she is often upset because STBX is very crabby these days. He brings stress on himself and takes it out on others, including her. I just try to love and reassure her as best I can. As for relations with H, I am just businesslike with him. I can handle all the minutiae of closing on the house, sorting out the legal paperwork by treating him like an unbalanced colleague. Polite, but not emotionally open to him in any way. I'm as NC as I can be, and that's the best for me.

Maybell, look up the connection between ADHD and cluster b personality disorders online. Not everyone with ADHD has them, but there is a link. Basically, impulsivity is part of the issue. My D14 had ADD, but she doesn't have those traits, so it's not true of everyone of course. But I suspect it might be true of my STBX. All the more reason to move on!