Affair Over but Stuck

[Hurt06]

Thanks for posting again. Your sig says she is a SAHM. Is she not working yet?

I see several alternatives. They are about boundaries, not control/ultimatums, so you might want to brush up on that thread again.

One is to file D.

Another is to file legal separation. In my case we didn't 'file' it, I just had her served which protected me in some financial ways and time stamped it (so if it DID need to be filed it could be put on the record).

Finally, you could just set firmer boundaries. Do you have separate checking accounts? Are you paying 100% of her bills (including the cell phone she uses to arrange her liasons)? Do you have a schedule for when you're going to spend time with the kids and when you're going to be out?

I get it, you don't want to escalate things emotionally. That's GOOD. But neither do you want to be a rug, or enable her behavior (which is unattractive and ineffective).

I think it makes sense to incrementally increase your boundaries. Maybe start by separating finances. Maybe a separation at some point to protect yourself if she wracks up 20K in credit card debt. Etc.

Why don't you list the things you're doing that are enabling her today, and then we can start discussing ways you can draw healthy boundaries without jumping to D tomorrow.

Thanks for the help guys.


Yes she is SAHM. She had a small part time job (15 hours a week) but has been laid off. She is back to no job and looking.

The state laws do not allow Legal Separation so only option is D.

I have separated all finances as she keeps taking trips to see her family that we cannot afford and overdrawing our account.

I am the sole provider and the only one bringing in any finances and I pay for everything, including her cell phone, internet, etc.

I have given her grocery money and one tank of gas weekly because thats all we can afford. Yes this is controlling but if I allow her free access to our income then we don't have enough money to pay the bills. I am at a loss as what to do financially. I do not want to be a rug and I am very tired of being lied to and taken advantage of.

She takes no part in paying any bills or finances. I have tried to give some of these to her but she refuses to take responsibility.

Of Course she says I am controlling but I really have no other choice.

I am open to any and all suggestions.

[Hurt06]

Hurt, I just read through your thread. I second separating any financial means she can run up debt through. Your L should be able to advice you how. Basically take her off any joint credit cards and similar.

I have to comment on the illness. How is a person with illness supposed to get better, living alone as a single mother? That's completely ridiculous.

And - you say her hormone levels and her thyroid levels are off - but that the doctors can't find anything wrong. As a long-time thyroid disease sufferer: Thyroid disease is something very wrong! This illness is SO under-estimated by the mainstream medical community. Thyroid hormones influence every single cell in the body, and can cause a multitude of serious symptoms, including death. Both hypo- and hyperthyroidism can kill you if you don't treat it.

Her cortisol levels are high? Means she is really stressed, her adrenals are working overtime. That will make her angry and exhausted. With the other hormones being off, she may feel like she is mentally drowning. She may have anxiety, depression, brain fog, anger/rage, sleep problems, in addition to lots and lots of physical symptoms, and mood swings like a rollercoaster. Your presence may simply feel overwhelming to her. She may not have the emotional stamina to deal with the guilt.

No, it doesn't mean she can excuse lies and deceit and affairs, like Sandi said - but it is not unusual that people with thyroid disease first get diagnosed in a mental hospital. It needs to be addressed. Has she seen an endocrinologist or experienced OB-GYN?

Ok her blood work shows she is slightly under active thyroid and she is taking nature thyroid to compensate but is not like its way off the chart and I'm not seeing ANY improvement in anything. She is seeing a new homeopathic Doc and is taking the blood work and specific times of the month to try and narrow things down but its guesswork at best. Yes, She has seen multiple endocrinologist and OBGYN's

I am living with a crazy person and having my own issues dealing with the fallout of all this which may turn out to be more "nothing" and just simple guilt eating her from the inside.

One more question, How am i supposed to go "Dark" when W is completely dependent on me for everything and we have three small kids in the home.

Trying to GAL where I can and keep everything as stable as possible for the kids.

This is really tough!

Sorry, feeling a bit overwhelmed.

[Zues126]

Paging vets: Starsky, Wonka, Sandi!

I don't understand how this can be allowed to continue. She's been in an A for over a year, isn't working, and is using your money to put fuel in the car she's driving to OM, and using your money to pay for a cell phone that she's using to sext back and forth?

See, whether or not your D she is no longer behaving like your W. She has essentially told you it's over, and she's no longer M with you.

I just posted this earlier today: If you liked your boss, but then they fired you, and then later told you that production was down...would you pitch in on the weekends for free because you cared about them, they are hurting, and you can help?

Of course not. You'd care enough that you'd be willing to entertain taking the job again if you knew that you could rectify the historic issues so it could be mutually beneficial. This analogy is good for their 'temperature checks' and 'cake eating' too, because how many times do they say things to lead LBS's to believe they are reconsidering in an attempt to manipulate? Kind of like an employer saying "come work for free for a while and maybe we'll put you back on the payroll if you do a good job". I can't type the kind of response that deserves!

Personally I think I'd file. It's a process anyway. If it shakes her up you can reevaluate but don't count on it. If it doesn't, do you want to stay in an open M? In some ways I think not filing just shows your willing to.

I'd also get my own account, and only provide for the kids. You don't need to support her. She can figure that out now. Yes, she'll spew, as will her family and everyone on 'her side'.

Oh- I'd get a DB coach for SURE. I never feel bad about enforcing my boundaries because I am operating on the advice of a DB coach, IC, and L. It helps me know I'm not reacting on emotions, but am following the lead of some experts.

But that's just for me. It's up to you to decide when.

[Painter]

It doesn't have to be way off the charts. I was bedridden when I was barely outside the normal range. It really can vary a lot from person to person how severe the symptoms are, and how they manifest.

It sounds like she is getting great care, though, so hopefully they will be able to find out more through further testing. Some cases of thyroid disease is caused by a small tumor in the pituitary gland and don't respond to treatment the same way.

You are certainly dealing with a difficult situation!
I can only suggest that you sit down and think about different scenarios for the future - what you would do and how you would handle things, what you would want and what you would not accept. That way you can start working towards goals for yourself.

[Hurt06]

How am I supposed to "Go Dark" in this situation?

nothing is off the table. The only exception is I will not file for D.

[MrBond]

You just take care of your kids. Let the OM take care of her. Talk to a lawyer to protect yourself.

[Hurt06]

Ok, blood work all came back normal "hormones"
no periopause, or menopause symptoms in blood work.

Thyroid Doc adjusting Nature thyroid buts it's not that far off?

There seems to be no medical reason she is acting the way she is.

Maybe some of the veterans that are familiar with possible
thyroid issues could offer some insight?.....Sandi2.....any ideas?

[Zues126]

Hurt, I know it would be easier if there was a simple fix (such as a medical condition that gets treated and goes away), but that's unlikely. And if that happens you can deal with that then.

Instead I'd recommend dealing with the here and now, the reality. Regardless of motive, she is acting in ways that you must react to protect yourself. It's not her motive that's the issue, it's the behavior. And the motive doesn't change the behavior. So it really shouldn't change your response.

Bond said it best in his one sentence to the point way. Let her go on her journey, you just take care of you.

[Hurt06]

RGR that!

I am trying to wrap my head around letting go....its getting better a little at a time...kinda scarey as I am less and less distraught as I disconnect emotionally....and i cant help but wonder at what point there is no turning back.....even if she decides to come back....at some point my heart will shut down and im not sure she will be welcome back....if that makes sense....i am already trying to accept what life will be like with someone that can apreciate me.

[Zues126]

I don't think you'll know until when, if ever, that door opens.

If it was today, maybe. If it was in 10 years and you were 5 years remarried, maybe not. Life is strange, there are no clear sign posts. PARTICULARLY NOT your emotions at this moment.

The sad fact is us LBS's tend to look at when WE'D be closed to R as the true end of the M...but the reality is that the end of the M has already occurred, and that's just difficult to accept.

But it's not all bad in the universe. Puppies are cute.