Wife left me three weeks ago!

[Complex]

Well said. Thanks

[alpha99]

Thank you both for the advice. I had read in LRT not to get the support of her family members. I had stopped texting them in that regard from last week. It was her father making a genuine enquiry about how I was doing that prompted me to speak. It was a 30 second conversation. As I recall I don't think I put W down, I said I knew things were my fault and I hoped over time she woukd reconsider. Her father is a deacon, a step below a priest I believe. He is all for marriage but also a very hen pecked person and W has little respect for him and his opinions. I get the feeling that he sees that reconciliation may be the best option forball involved but like myself he is powerless to do much about that, and as per his nature will ultimately tow the line with what his wife, my wife decide. Such a shame. As per your advice I won't be trying to illicit support from her parents anymore. I did text father in law when I got back hole yesterday just to say W had the idea that since I dressed smartly recent days, stopped crying etc that I was over her, had moved on, had a plan to launch legal proceedings and take the kids. In fact, my wife said yesterday that she was weary of me taking the kids for a day out.over the weekend in case indidnt bring them back. I just explained via text to her father how daft all that was, how I'm just trying to.do what's right in a difficult situation. From his attitude in their house I feel he understands where I'm.coming from.

I may be wrong, and I did say I'm not asking you to tell wife this, but my hope in speaking/texting was not to get them onside in some campaign to get her back but rather have them understand where I'm coming from in the hope that gets transmitted to W somehow and it stops the rot. As I've said before she sees being nice to her as me having an agenda and is waiting forbme to 'stab her in the back. If we could move from this point to one where she sees niceness for just that then that would be a big step. I know time and patience are required, and now I've spoke to father in law roughly.about this (not so directly as here) I won't be mentioning this topic to him again.

Thank you all so much for your support and advice, it's been so good.

[alpha99]

Just a quick thought I've had, but would anyone have any idea on how to respond to direct questioning over certain things? For example, if W asks why are you being so nice? Why aren't you fighting? I don't understand, you said X but now you're doing Y. Are you trying to use reverse psychology? So far, following LRT, I've said things like I'm just trying to make positive changes in.myself, there's no point in fighting, it doesn't solve our problems etc. She doesnt sound convinced of these answers hence her suspicions. Am I answering in the right way in trying to be vague and so on? I am making changes for myself but of course the goal is to win her back also. I know of course not to say that to her but this is one point where I do feel slightly in limbo. I can make changes and let them been seen subtly without going Ta dah! But reading about LRT option two is that W might take interest in a positive manner. There have been moments of that but again it's outweighed by accusatory questions of what you doing that for?

[alpha99]

I'm having a bad day. My wife called and is ill so I have the kids. I took my daughter to ballet and then both children to the cinema. I felt so lonely, not the kind of life I imagined being a weekend dad. Things will no doubt change in time but things hit home today exactly how hard it is to just be there for the kids part time. Wife has appointment about now to go and look at a house. I will take the kids back in about 2 hours. They are both asleep right now and I feel a little ill. Need to hang in there I know.

[twinmom]

Something along the lines of
"The situation we are in was a wake up call for me to make some changes in my life. I see that I have not been the best person I can be and want to change that. These changes are for me, if you want a divorce I am not going to stand in your way but since that's not a mutual goal I won't help you with it either."

[4mendmj]

Great advice twin.

Sorry for the spot you are in alpha...especially about the kids. I hate having to read about sitchs with young kids involved that see the mess but don't understand it.

I am beyond not an expert but have perhaps been dealing with this now longer than you have so the one thing I can say that is great news is, even though you have been taking care of your kids very well already, you will now see your children in an even more beautiful light in coming weeks and months. Treasure that time and make sure and give them literally all the hugs they ask for. They are hurting and don't always know how to express it.

[alpha99]

Thank you both again for the advice. I do feel like I'm slightly coasting at the moment, not making things worse anymore but at the same time not sure if I'm doing enough to make things better. It's hard isn't it? So far being nice to my wife has gotten the best response, even if there's been a lot of other stuff thrown in too. I have just taken the kids back to her. She seemed quite happy to see me. She was the most friendly she's been in fact. Now, I wonder what the reason for this is. She is going on a night out this evening and so is probably happy about that. After not wanting me to mind the kids all week she said I coukd have had them tonight. Clearly this is because she is out tonight. I don't want to be the on call babysitter. I did say, ah well, you should have said' just to be nice but I am not infact minding the kids this evening. The other woman ny wife is going out with this evening is a fellow mum from our kids' school. Previously in better times my wife has pointed out how outrageously flirty this woman is on a night out, despite being married. I am worried she will push W to have fun and meet someone else. Not a lot I can do about that I know. It does seem early in separation for W to meet someone else.

So a mixed result really, W did go and look at another house but pulled a face over how much it would be in rent for what she would get. I can see her taking a while to find the 'perfect' place. Good news as it gives me time to turn things around. I am worried about the nights out though. She was happy it seemed to see me but probably not for the reason I'm hoping.

I did notice her weighing up my new clothing as we chatted, so it is getting noticed. She did ask why the grim face as I left. I said because it's hard to leave the kids in this situation. She said, there's not a lot we can do about that, but said it in a slightly different manner than previous times, no anger, a slight sense I detected of something else. I am not sure what though. She is a stubborn person and I do wonder if she will plough on regardless with the path she has started down even if she has regrets but because she wouldn't want to appear ti have made a mistake. Second guessing is no good, I know.

Finally, I suggested I would take the kids out tomorrow again. She said, yeah, you can. I wonder if she'll come. She played it like I could do what I want but she's not interested. I think she is though, and I think she will come. Let's see. It's maddening wondering whether things are going forwards, backwards, or are static...and not really knowing for sure.

[alpha99]

Just making a note in case I forget - my wife's two slogans of the last week or two have been:

You brought all this on yourself (referring to separation/her affair)

No trust, no love, no point.

[alpha99]

Just done a 180. As mentioned earlier wife is on night out tonight. Instead of being anxious and concerned of what she might get up to, which is what she undoubtedly think I'd be thinking, I've just texted her to have a good night out as she deserves it. A quick check at call and text history of this last week shows only 3-4 texts to her (mainly about child arrangements) and only calls have been returning the odd missed call I let go to voicemail. I think wishing her a good night out will come as a surprise. Incidentally I hope she does have a good time...just not too good...if you know what I mean!

[Starsky309]

You actually said "you deserve it???"