RAI-- Just wanted to say thank you for the response! Very on point. Looking back, I am definitely VERY reactive to her moods. I'm trying to be as introspective as possible and I realize I'm definitely still in some sort of denial about the whole situation. I need to let go of that part of me that thinks she's not really serious about this. It's kind of hard to explain because I feel like I've gone through all the stages of grief... a few times actually. I definitely need to accept what is happening and detach a lot further. I feel like I have come a long way, but still have a long way to go.
I can definitely tell I have a lot of repressed emotions. I sometimes forget that this is an anonymous message board where I can let my guard down. Just because I'm constantly telling myself to "act as if" in real life, doesn't mean I need to do it on here. It might not seem like it, but I really can tell I've come a long way. Instead of constantly thinking of my failed M, it's down to once every 10 minutes... and longer if I keep myself busy and occupied. The company I work for offers free counseling for employee's and I took the iniative to contact them. They arranged an appointment with a therapist that uses Equine Therapy. I'm open to any IC that will help get to the root of my issues. I've gone to the pseudo-shrink for meds, but haven't had any real IC. I think it will be helpful.
Like everyone, I have my good days and bad days. It seems like I post on here on my good days. I really do have a lot to be thankful for. My situation is nowhere near as bad as some of the other's I've read. W and I still communicate civilly and there has never been a real heated argument, not once. She is responsible for herself and the kids and isn't into substance abuse or anything else that I know of. I just talked to a friend whose H left after second child was born because he was hooked on Meth and she hasn't seen him in 2 years. He might be dead for all she knows. He ruined their house, her credit, her job, etc. As awful as her H is, I recognize that I had control issues coupled with depression issues, and taking everything for granted. Sadly, I never even recognized them as such. Generally, I always thought of myself as a pretty nice guy, and still do. But, I wasn't always that nice and respectful to W. For the first time in my life, I actually feel emotionally fragile and that's hard to admit. Even, just a year ago, I questioned whether or not I was happy in my M and what life would be like as a single. I really do have hope that DBing will save me and can already see it's positive effects. A LONG way to go.
Thank you for the car wreck analogy! It definitely puts things into perspective.
Sorry for the length, but I really do appreciate your response. Maybe we all feel a little helpless (less so after DBing) and that's why we're on here. The advice of the Vet's is great, but it's also great to know we're not the only ones going through this.
I'm going to stick with MrBond's approach. Also going to read the threads you recommended
Last edited by SadDood; 05/15/1506:35 PM.
M: 8 years, together 9 M: 41 W: 32 D 4, S 6 ILYBINILWY 2/10/15 2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home 4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread 4/19/15 W asked for D
Just received a temp check text and don't know how to proceed.
W sent the following text: "Hey there. You don't have to respond to this. I just feel like I need to tell you what I'm feeling. I put on a brave face and tell people is okay. But the reality is I miss you a lot and my heart hurts every day. I'm sorry I couldn't stay in the marriage anymore. Ì sorry you have hurt the past few months. I think you're a great person and an incredible father. I know we're both at fault in all of this. Ì also accept my responsibility in this. I'm sorry for our kids and for your hurt. I'll always love you and have a special place in my heart for you. Over the past 9 years, we had a lot of good times. We made 2 beautiful children who are healthy and happy. They're going to be great people. I hope we can learn how to navigate these waters together and be the best patents we can be to S6 and D4. Anyways, I just wanted to say that. I hope your hitch is going okay. I now know how hard it is be away from the kids for 2 weeks."
How to respond quickly please?? ??
Last edited by SadDood; 05/18/1503:31 AM.
M: 8 years, together 9 M: 41 W: 32 D 4, S 6 ILYBINILWY 2/10/15 2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home 4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread 4/19/15 W asked for D
She said you did not have to respond, so don't. These types of things from the WAW can lure the LBH into jumping on it like a bug. Then he says waaaaaay too much.
Don't say anything. It does not require a response. Sounds a little like she wants to relieve some guilt she's feeling, but IDK. It could be a temp check, but I think she's saying she wants to clear the air and just move on with life as co-parents to the kids.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I kind of agree. I don't see what you can say here to make any real impact. They are "nice" words, but i also don't see anything hinting at wanting to start working on reconciling.
Darn it. I was on ambien and responded with the following:
"I appreciate the courage it took to send this text and admit this. I would like to apologize for not only my actions in the marriage and the many ways I tried to control you, belittle you and minimize your opinions. I acknowledge my financial infidelity and neglect/abandonment issues. I'm working on a lot, mostly the low hanging fruit and feeling much better about myself going forward. Either with or without you. I would like to remain married, but don't necessarily think this separation is a bad thing. I'm busy working on me and I hope you're busy working on you. I miss you too, but am finally getting along a lot better than I would have expected and have accepted that you have, in essence, fired me as your husband, and deservedly so. I hope you have a great week with the kids. They're really great, each of them in their own way. Will always be there for them."
Obviously, I said way too much... Really wish I had waited to take that ambien and to be more patient waiting for responses from the board. I did wait two hours before responding though, not that it matters.
Hope I didn't damage anything too much, but I was being honest and admitting to things I hadn't yet admitted to. To be fair, I really am getting along a lot better than I would have expected. Last few days have been quite good. Haven't initiated contact at all and W has sent me text videos of kids with funny comments. Have waited a few hours to respond with brief "Thank you for these, made my day!" type texts.
M: 8 years, together 9 M: 41 W: 32 D 4, S 6 ILYBINILWY 2/10/15 2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home 4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread 4/19/15 W asked for D
It's hard. You read things like "I miss you" and it sounds like "I'm ready to work this out". Of course, looking at it objectively from the outside, it looks different.
It's hard. You read things like "I miss you" and it sounds like "I'm ready to work this out". Of course, looking at it objectively from the outside, it looks different.
Yeah... the more objectively I look at it, the more it looks like a "Dear John" letter. I do feel like the air is cleared for both of us. I know I'll be a better person no matter what happens with the M. She has said repeatedly that she doesn't know where my head is at as I've been on such a rollercoaster of emotions... even before BD. Even wallowing about what I wanted going forward. I even said hastily that I'm going to pursue D. I've since settled way down. I think my response stated my preference is to remain married. We haven't discussed R or D in a few weeks. She's in no hurry to file, so, I'm going to let things stay in the holding pattern. LRT has been working and she has initiated a lot more texts lately. My responses have been light hearted and disinterested/aloof. Going to keep playing this game for a long time. That was my first attempt at validating... could have done better obviously.
Last edited by SadDood; 05/18/1504:41 PM.
M: 8 years, together 9 M: 41 W: 32 D 4, S 6 ILYBINILWY 2/10/15 2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home 4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread 4/19/15 W asked for D
