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Hi 4M. Really, I think goals are all about what you want to do. Don't make them about your W and what she 'might' do. Make them about you becoming the 'you' you want to be. Some simple goals might be:

*I want to read a self-help book a month. In March it will be DR
*I'm going to GAL three nights a week - yoga, swimming and darts
*I'm going to lose 7lbs by the end of April, and to do that I will....
*I'm going to buy myself some new cologne this week and wear it every day
*In March, I will learn to scuba dive. And I will arrange that this week

These are baby steps. I guess the 'impact' it may have on your W and her A lie behind these. Reading a self help book may help you detach more, or validate better. GALing may lift your mood and self confidence, which may re-attract your W etc.

But really the goals are all about you and making your life the best it can be....and who knows, your W might just get interested enough to take a peek. Or she may not, but your life has become great anyway! Make sense?


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Feb 2015
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4mendmj Offline OP
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Thanks Toots, I mean it. I do sooo awesome for X # of days and then I trip upon something or a trigger happens that makes me so mad at W and I question what the heck I am doing. W had D6 last night till I got off work at 7pm and literally met me in the parking lot at my work to drop off D6 so W could go to OW's b-day party. Found out from D6 that D6 got drug around town after school to set up for the party and had literally not even had supper yet even though bedtime was 30 minutes away and we were not even home yet. I was so furious that W's own D was the least of her concern that I almost said something to W.

Instead I took a deep breath and tried to remember why I am doing this. Then I realized I don't even have a way to measure success right now as I am still in the same stinking limbo I have been in for months with zero progress. GALing is working much of the time. No cigarettes now in 2 weeks! Been swimming more and more, had a friend over last night at our house and we played board games while drinking beer which is something I would never do...me and board games or video games or whatever are not my style but boy I had fun and did something different. W will have no clue I even had a guy friend over let alone played board games but I sure enjoyed knowing I did something fun even though I was at home and D6 was asleep safe in bed.

I keep trying, I have zero clue whether she has even taken a peak. She is wicked smart and has not mentioned a single word about the nice outfits I am wearing or the cologne or the no smoking or anything...she keeps it all perfectly to the cuff. But dangit woman! Could you throw me a bone? Nope, I know, she isn't going to. I have to do it for me and if she takes a look, maybe she sees somethign she likes. I love some of your goal oriented ideas though Toots. Having quit smoking I am eating more right now so need to keep active to prevent weight gain from lack of smoking. Therefore quantifying a few pounds lost in March for example is a good goal I can set and then succeed at.

I sometimes feel I owe this board an apology for being pathetic. Starsky for example or reading Allen A's posts from days behind seems so stinking extremely confident and cut and dry and frankly this house wife of a hunsband has been kicked long enough that I don't have that spring in my step and I simply wonder on occasion what the He double hockey sticks I am doing.

Goal # 1, don't do anything stupid tomorrow because tomorrow is 1 year anniversary of BD. I have learned here not to react on emotion.

Goal #2 stay smoke free for all of March

Goal #3 lose 5 pounds in March so I weigh 245 by March 31.

Goal #4 do another new activity I have never done before once a week for the next 4 weeks (like the board game last night)

Goal #5 Get camper ready for the summer and pick a night where it is not too cold and have D6 and I sleep in there for fun to prepare for camping this summer.


Me:39 W:33
Married 6/07
D6
Found out about affair 9/14
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
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4mendmj Offline OP
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I was just re-reading my threads as sometimes the advice you got 2 weeks ago was not only valuable then but now as much or more. The #1 thing I am doing better at in the month of Feb. is I have no played my hand a single time...IE. I have not slipped up and chased or said "look at my changes" or anything like that. My mood or desire or stamina comes and goes but the front that W sees is rock solid. Big improvement for me vs. previous months.

Another thing I notice, I need to stay away from the wayward side threads on a different site as it is all the stuff I dream someday happens where W pulls head out of rear and we are working on our marriage etc. and I think I have figured out one of my triggers. Hope is a dangerous thing.

Back to me. D6 and I are going to my folks place this evening for supper. Starting to get comfortable just telling W that D6 and I are going and that she is welcome to join. She never does join but I used to simply dread even telling her and now I just notify her via fb messenger a day ahead of time or whatever that we have plans and leave it at that.

I also noticed my patience has improved with D6 in the last month vs. post-BD months where I was a wreck yet still primary care-taker. In that respect, DBing is literally putting my life back together whether I stay married to W or not. I lose sight of that because I see no progress from W but frankly, I re-read my thread and have been reminded twice now (my apologies) that this is about me.

Puppy dog/starsky...I was reading the old thread of officer in need and finally made it to a post where you bolded him saying her/she/W etc a hundred times and literally snorted....knowing you have done that to me smile

Thanks all
4mendmj

PS... MJ is nickname for D6 and this is truly for me and her no matter what.


Me:39 W:33
Married 6/07
D6
Found out about affair 9/14
Joined: Oct 2014
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I don't think you're pathetic 4m. We're all just doing our best here, and it's a tough experience to go through. I'm sure Starsky posted recently that it took him a good while to really 'get' DBing, and he made all kinds of mistakes in the 'early days,' And by early days he meant the first year/18 months - after that he became DBer extraordinaire.

Your goals sound good - and I like that first one. Sorry it's a BD antiversary tomorrow. That's never easy. But you'll get through it. I remember someone posting about Xmas, that their goals were - get through it - don't make anything worse. I made them my goals too.

I just started re-reading DR. A couple of people mentioned a re-read (with a bit more knowledge & experience) is helpful, so I just finished chapter 1. Also, having seen my L this week, I'm feeling that H & I are on opposite sides of the fence 'adversaries' almost. So I need a bit of MWD's inimitable optimism about M's and S's to redress the balance.

Keep posting tomorrow and let us know how you're doing my friend....


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
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4mendmj Offline OP
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I head home after getting off work at 430pm and when I go to pick up D6 she wants to hide easter eggs. I tell her it isnít easter yet silly and she said she really wanted to but she has been asking mommy all day if she would play with the easter eggs with her and W said she didnít want to bend over to pick up eggs and that it would hurt her chest. I get that W had surgery, I truly do. But how does a woman that has been working out 5-6 days a week not want to bend over slowly to pick up easter eggs for her child when she is bending over to do yoga, jumping back n forth for zumba etc.?

So I tell D6 to bring them with her to my folks house where we are headed for the evening. She happily obliges and in the end my folks and I literally helped hide and then found 22 easter eggs like 4 or 5 different rounds over the evening. D6 thought it was so fun to have someone help her hide them and then she would grab a different adult or two and all the adult had to do was carry the basket and point at the eggs and D6 would go running over and grab them and put them in the basket. It was sheer heaven to the child.

On our way to my folks place I ask D6 about her day including what she had for lunch as I guess I was sensitive to the fact W had not made her supper last night. D6 tells me she did not have lunch today. I asked a second time and she repeated the answer. I tried to re-word it as sometimes it is perceived by her as a snack. I asked her did she have any snacks today and she told me a candy bracelet and a fruit roll-up. WHAT? I made her a bowl of cereal this morning before I went to work but are you kidding me? W literally didnít feed her lunch today after not feeding her supper last night? Is W literally losing her mind? So D6 proceeds to tell me that she went to kidís Zumba today and the mall to buy clothing. I asked her if she got any clothing and she said no, only the adults got clothing. I asked whom she went shopping with and of course, W and OW. Before the night was over at my folks place, D6 ate cheese and crackers and deer salami for appetizers, she ate two servings of chicken and dumplings and rice, she ate two small bowls of pudding and about 20 blackberries and then 20 minutes later while my dad and I were playing cribbage and D6 and my mom were making those little pies D6 asked if she could have a glass of milk and some grapes of which D6 ended up having 2 more glasses of milk and the bowl of grapes. My child literally ate like 4 meals last night. Is she capable of that even if she had lunch? Yah, I have seen it before during growth spurts. Is it possible that W fed her lunch or snack of substance and D6 forgot? Yah, that is totally possible. Is all of this simply becoming too much of not a coincidence and instead becoming a pattern of simple sadness for D6 when D6 is with W? IMO Yes.

W has not spent a single day with someone other than OW now in quite possibly months and months and months and if D6 is with W it is a certainty as well that OW is there. So now W is dragging D6 to the gym and the mall but D6 doesnít get even a lunch or healthy snacks or anything?

D6 and I get home last night and get changed and snuggled in and read 2 poems thanks to the book having a leap year poem in there we didnít need this year and to sleep she goes. I ended up doing the same thing by relaxing in bed for a while and then simply going to sleep. Never even watched any TV or anything. W got home around 1230am.

Guys, this is crazy. The literal safety of my child is now truly coming into question. IS W simply losing her mind over this A? Is W's # 1 2 3 4 and 5 concern OW and literally forgetting to feed D6? I will have no choice but to ask again tonight verifying whether D6 did or did not have a meal yesterday afternoon as this is truly going too far. I will fight for my marriage but not at the literal expense of D6.

With this being BD day a year ago when I found out about the EA and now understanding how big of a deal that really is (which I did not get at the time) and how long this has gone on, I need to be careful tonight where I go with my question to W but.... This is nuts.


Me:39 W:33
Married 6/07
D6
Found out about affair 9/14
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
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4mendmj Offline OP
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Well survived not doing or saying anything I would regret yesterday on the antiversary.

Also, found out that W failed to take D6 to D6's girl scouts cookie sales day at one of the local grocery stores yesterday and instead took D6 along for coffee and to the gym studio to spend the day with OW. Then didn't even get home with D6 until 730pm (which is bed time for D6) and D6 had yet to have supper or a bath so D6 was up on a Sunday night way past her bedtime due to another set of extremely poor choices on W's part.

Guys and gals in DBing land...this w of mine is imploding.


Me:39 W:33
Married 6/07
D6
Found out about affair 9/14
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
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4mendmj Offline OP
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Stood up for myself again this morning. Forwarded W the username/password for her flex medical spending account and left her EOBs at her spot at the table. Sent an email stating "The website will instruct you where/how to fax your EOBs for reimbursement."

As everyone would say here this morning, she fired me months ago. I had been taking care of this and all the rest of the financial stuff for the last decade. One piece at a time, I am giving it all back.


Me:39 W:33
Married 6/07
D6
Found out about affair 9/14
Joined: Oct 2010
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Good. Let her put on her BGPs.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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4mendmj, is everything OK? Haven't heard from you in awhile.


Me:49 W:45
M:19 T:22
EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5
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