W has been having an EA since apprx 10/13 and PA since apprx 6/14 with OW and OW's H whom is Quadriplegic. OW "fell in love" with OW's H but it appears that relationship is really about taking advantage of him. OW is paid by the state to be his caretaker...reduced price rent as they live together, provided vehicle to transport H, reduced rates on utilities etc. and OW yet, he is getting the raw end of the deal because OW is now on her 3rd (at the time married W of which my W is the 3rd) woman whom she is having a relationship with. Wy W is over there constantly and has been for almost a year.
I have done everything wrong at some point including beg, cry, try to force them apart etc.
FIL came out first of the year with attempted intervention which also failed. Since then I have given her a temp. free pass as she has continued to request time to think so she can make a decision right for her.
About a month ago I tripped upon DB website, have read DR, parts of it multiple times. In the last thread I have learned more about how I am enabling W. I have done her laundry for almost a decade of which I quit about a week ago. I no longer continue to ask questions until I get an answer to them which is new for me. I ask once and if I am told she will let me know, I do not ask again regardless of the consequences (unless it has to do with D6 and I need to truly know). W still lives at home but comes and goes as she pleases. She is gone 4-7 days a week right now in the evenings/nights where she does not come home until 11pm - 3am timeframe.
I have not mentioned OW in a month now. I have not temp. checked in 3ish weeks? IC is about to give up on hope that W will come back to marriage but this website and DR keep me strong in understanding I am the one that choses if/when I am done.
W hadly speaks to me right now, which I think is what hurts the most but it helps me learn to slowly detach. I have slept for junk for about 4 months now but that is starting to improve sometimes.
GAL...I have not had a cigarette now in 5 days! I have been swimming at the pool now 3 days a week for 2 weeks. I got out now once a week for the last month. Each day at home I try to find something new or fun to do for me when D6 is asleep and W is gone to both help me pass the time and give me something to enjoy.
Solution based actions... a department I need to work on very hard. I use words too much and not enough actions. I always describe or forecast what I am going to do and I have stopped doing it. I just do it now. Very hard for me.
Starsky says W will not leave OW until there are consequences for her actions. I am still trying to wrap my mind around what all that means. I have left my lawyer's card and some info on co-parenting class you have to take if you D in my bathroom in hopes she trips upon it. I am considering separating finances but I know I would just be doing it right now in spite and not for protection so I need to think of more things that help protect and support me.
Last, thank you. Never done this whole forum thing before. Never posted or blogged etc. heck I only got a facebook 8 months ago! LOL and it was D6's school and socializing with friends that live far away. A lot of you have responded with support and great ideas and even called me out when necessary. 98% of DR is about what I need to do if W comes back to R...until then this forum is the only tool I have to help with a current WAW/PA marriage. I read the old times tips but if anyone has a link to an old thread they thought was mighty helpful, go ahead and slap that on here too. Loved the detaching and boundaries threads a few on here recommended and I re-read them all the time. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
4mendmj
Me:39 W:33 Married 6/07 D6 Found out about affair 9/14
Starsky says W will not leave OW until there are consequences for her actions. I am still trying to wrap my mind around what all that means.
Let me clarify, so that you don't misunderstand because this only works in one direction:
IF there are consequences, your wife may OR MAY NOT leave the OW;
however . . .
If there are NO consequences, the only way she will leave OW is if OW dumps her, in which case you're just as likely to be staring down the barrel of an OW2 or an OM1 if you guys haven't fixed your marriage issues.
It's basic physics -- inertia: "A body in motion tends to remain in motion, unless acted upon by an outside force." The thought is that us humans really are basically path-of-least-resistance creatures, and we're not going to do anything until we're either forced to or at least until what we're doing isn't the better option.
Totally makes sense starsky...I guess I even get that There is no guarantee to any of this but if I wasn't something to change,I have to be that change. Working on it too. I have dumped multiple ideas on the last week simply because they were either spite based or magic bullet pipe dreams. I am now focusing more on me instead of her and trying to make me better while also trying to not enable her.
Me:39 W:33 Married 6/07 D6 Found out about affair 9/14
Totally makes sense starsky...I guess I even get that There is no guarantee to any of this but if I wasn't something to change,I have to be that change. Working on it too. I have dumped multiple ideas on the last week simply because they were either spite based or magic bullet pipe dreams. I am now focusing more on me instead of her and trying to make me better while also trying to not enable her.
You don't have to "try" not to enable her. Just a few good rules to keep you from funding your "old buddies" transgressions and current path. Why should you take care of a buddy running against you now?
Puppy Dog Tails and Allen A are like animals in this thread. I haven't even made it very far in a monster of a thread and I already have some notes down and some ideas in my head. Had I not just challenged Complex to GAL and no magic bullets for lent, I would be doing a lot of what Allen A talks about in breaking up the affair from the other side. I would have never thought about it. I tried to break it up from my side but breaking it up from the OW's side is where the leverage comes from. You cannot control your W, but the influence Allen A references is incredible.
The thread is also sad, because it spells out that women are more likely not to return...they have already given their hearts to another. I do have some things going for me though...I am going to lis them out. My logic is that right now my W hates me so the things that are keeping her around are 1)D6 2)Financial stability 3) Because OW is a woman, there is some social implications there that keep that R from being "normal" ... OW always post crap (I unfriended and quit following all of them) stuff about this life may not be normal but it is grand and I realize how my W got sucked into that..but there is societal pressure there to keep W in the marriage. 4) It is time for me...it is time for ME to be the #1 reason though. I think it was Starsky said "if you don't GAL and consequences then W will just go to OW2 or OM1 if OW dumps her. Time for me...
I have been invited to a wedding this weekend. I am going to do something completely out of the ordinary for me. I already know/assume W has plans this Saturday evening but she has failed to communicate them or anything for that matter to me so...I am going to send her a message stating I am going to a wedding Saturday starting at 430pm for the evening and she has D6. My goal is to say as little as possible in the original message. She will probably come back with something like "I had plans or but but but..." and I will need to (in as few as possible words) say that since I did not know of any plans I made my own.
Then this afternoon when I get off work, I am going to the mall to go clothing shopping...I have a coupon for $50 off $100 and will go get some new clothes and then wear them out the door tomorrow afternoon to the wedding 180s for me??? Going in the first place... Not asking if I can go, just saying I am going....Going out a 2nd time in a week for the first time in over a year...dressing up for it in new clothing....
I was even thinking about having a female work friend that will be at the wedding posting something on FB and tag me in it that I was tearing it up on the dance floor! Total 180 for me...
Thoughts? It is GAL
Tonight I am going clothing shopping then picking up D6 from school then D6 and I are going to a hockey game.
Tomorrow D6 and I are going to see a kids movie at the local theater and build a fort and then I am headed to the wedding.
Sunday...still working on it.
Me:39 W:33 Married 6/07 D6 Found out about affair 9/14
There was a time when I didn't really have time to read everyone's back-stories, and I was also growing weary of newbies really not listening to much of the advice anyway (since they're often still shell-shocked from being bombed, and/or fear was crippling them . . . they simply weren't "ready" to hear it yet), and I began just copying-and-pasting the following in nearly all of my first posts to people.
"Puppy's Short Version, All-Inclusive Advice" for Waylayed Spouses Who Just Got Bombed"
1. Get proof (of whether or not there's OM/OW). Hint: There almost always is.
2. Do either:
2a. Aggressive affair-busting (see Allen A's posts over in Infidelity)
Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.
Starsky...looking back now at the last 18 months I see how some of those attempts were almost successful but I lacked the follow through to seal the deal. Do you still think there is merit to Allen A's approach this far along into an affair? I have only read it within OfficerInNeed's sitch and it seemed the affair was new at the time.
I do see in your most recent response Starsky though that transition I have made in mind frame that has allowed me to start doing actions instead of just words and how post BD "newbies" simply cannot wrap their head around it. I am not even new to post BD but I am very new to actions not words type approach when it comes to this marriage. My actions were always just taking care of the problem (dishes etc.) and not actions that are solution oriented. Still learning, this grasshopper has a long ways to go but getting more and more courage and doing more and more.
Me:39 W:33 Married 6/07 D6 Found out about affair 9/14
Deep breath....sent " I am going to a wedding tomorrow evening at five pm so you have D6". W replies "K".....
wait for it
W replies "I was going to do XXXX workout class"
I have not responded and I do not intend to respond. There is no question there and it is a non-answer requiring statement. Since she failed to provide me with plans she had then I made my own And responding to that will just get me nowhere.
Another deep breath. speaking of deep breaths...smoke free for 5 1/2 days now!!!
GAL, this kid is slowly catching on...
Me:39 W:33 Married 6/07 D6 Found out about affair 9/14
Starsky...looking back now at the last 18 months I see how some of those attempts were almost successful but I lacked the follow through to seal the deal. Do you still think there is merit to Allen A's approach this far along into an affair?
Not as much. I'd lean much more toward the "let them go" approach at this point. In fact, I have said on here that while you can do the "AllenA" thing and then have the "RobX/Gucci" thing in reserve, you CAN'T really do it in the opposite order, for obvious reasons.
Sorry, guess I should have added (in the interests of full disclosure and for newbies): I am Puppy Dog Tails (and before that, Chocolateeyes). I changed my username along the way for reasons I won't bore you with here, lol, but I didn't want to be one of those self-important blowhards who talk about themselves in the 3rd person!
to GAL and no magic bullets for lent, I would be doing a lot of what Allen A talks about in breaking up the affair from the other side. I would have never thought about it. I tried to break it up from my side but breaking it up from the OW's side is where the leverage comes from. You cannot control your W, but the influence Allen A references is incredible.