Quick re-cap.. 21.12.14 WAW drops ILYBINILWY bomb. She leaves, gone for 2 weeks. I then move out for financial and ease of access reasons. Agree on 6 month seperation. Very little contact for 6 weeks. At 16.02.15, WAW shows no signs of changing her mind. No signs of OM.
So I'm starting a new thread mainly because my outlook on my sitch has changed over the last week. I still don't want to divorce, and am not enjoying seperation. I can't talk WAW into giving it another shot though (believe me, I've tried). I've read DB so far. DR and NMMNG are awaiting me when I get home today. I'm going to get straight on and read these.
I went round to see W on Valentine's Day - I had dropped a card through the door but it was more a humorous gesture than a profesion of love. She knows all too well how I feel. We've never celebrated Valentines Day due to having a Wedding Anniversary. We may not have another so I thought I'd better get one last card in just in case!!
We had some text communication that ended with me going to visit her in our home. I told her I didn't want to rake over the past any more, we both know how we got here (apathy mainly), what each other's role in the breakdown was, and both know how the other feels about the sitch. We don't agree on the outcome but that's work in progress for me to see if she will reconsider. That was the first time I'd spoken to W since BD without getting upset at all. We even managed a few laughs.
Despite these laughs, I was honest with her in that our old M is over, there is no going back to how it was (I wouldn't want to either) we were so unhappy. I have told her that I'm aware of this fact but that I don't believe it's the end of us. We can start something new, however slowly we have to take it.
She was also honest with me in that right now, she "sees this seperation as permanent" (no mention of D).
Even though she says she doesn't see a way back from this, I see in her body language, the things she says and the way she says them that there is still some doubt her mind. She won't voice it as she doesn't want to get my hopes up. She is different now but my W is still in there somewhere.
I spent the weekend resting, eating, and mentally preparing myself for the fight ahead. I've made copious notes over the last 6 or 7 weeks which I've compiled into a battle plan. I have lots of 180's to work on, GAL activities, PMA books to read, and have written down lots of examples of what works (and what doesn't) plus what things were like between us when times were good and bad.
There's still hope my friends, and by God, I mean to give it my all.
Barry.
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
This post is not meant to "more of the same" with me moping about my sitch but I need to vent a bit. I've noticed that I'm not getting any responses any more?
As much as I'm trying to remain upbeat and want to DB this M, ultimatly I think my chances are very low that we can R. My demeanor is all a facade right now. As much as I know I need to get out and GAL for my own benefit, my heart just isn't in it so it's all forced at the moment. The truth is, the only life I want is the one that's unattainable without me becoming something I don't want to be.
How do you decide what to do there?? Be someone you're not - but live the life you want, or be who you are and give up on the life you want??
I'm reading NMMNG, and yes, I am one in so many ways.
I feel lonely because I AM completly alone in how I feel about this sitch. W is just carrying on with her life, it's like I (and the last 22 years) mean nothing to her now. It's not an act either. She says she cares about what happens to me but the love is gone.
My kids either don't want to discuss it at all or seem like they side with W in that "this is all for the best". I can't "use" them to try and get through to her anyway.
All of my in-laws have distanced themselves from me and won't respond to any text messages or calls.
Any of our mutual friends are now HER friends and avoid me like the plague. I know that this is partly because they don't want to get involved but it pains me to know that W has this huge support network of people who are telling her that she "has to do what's right for her", and that they'll "support her no matter what" etc. Of course they will, they are her family and friends but all they want to see is an end to this as quickly as possible so that they can feel better about it.
My W is being "propped up" by so many people in her decision and not one of them really cares about me or sees D as a bad thing. What I need is more friends and allies!!
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. You are in a challenging spot and I'm sure many of us can relate. I'm not a vet, so take this for what it is worth.
At the end of the day, you must take care of you. Focus on what makes your life good and what you want. I know you want to R, although please know that you don't control your W. She makes her own decisions and her family and friends just want her to "be happy." So, let her go. Stop trying to get people on "your side" because the reality is people will remain in contact with who they are closest to.
I think many of us can relate to the loneliness factor and I can tell you that I am rarely alone:) However, it does hurt to lose that R with that person who you share inside jokes with and stories that no one else knows. You just feel your feelings, work through them, and keep trudging along.
It does get easier. Hang in there!
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 02/17/1502:45 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Hi Barry. Sorry you are having such a hard time I am very far from a vet but a few things you raise in your post make me think you are too close to your own sitch to see the wood for the trees. Firstly and most importantly is the kids are all important. Their whole world is upside down and you need to be like a rock for them. Listen to them , validate their feelings and STFU about the unfairness to you. They are trying to get through this and you need to support them
Your W might be getting on with her life with no regard to you. She might not. You have no way of knowing. My W can be laughing and joking one day and talking suicde the next ! People change their minds all the time , why can't you W
Whatever brought your W to her choices didn't happen over night and it's unlikely that she will decide to come back overnight either.
It's so hard but you are where you now. All you can do is control you and improve yourself Let your actions show your W the difference not your words
Re in laws that's really tough but at the end of the day there are her family and again nothing you can do.
Post often and hopefully some vets will chime in with their advice and guidance
Please keep reminding yourself that all you can control yourself. Be the very best you that you can be and either way you will come out of this experience a better person.
This post is not meant to "more of the same" with me moping about my sitch but I need to vent a bit. I've noticed that I'm not getting any responses any more?
I'm very interested in your stich and I read everything but I've stopped responding because I'm not getting through to you at the moment and I think it's best that you finish reading NMMNG and make some inroads with your IC. I do note however that you started this post with another "but" where your words contradict your actions. Just learn to assume your actions, face them, accept their consequences. You've probably covered your actions with words for all your life and it has worked so far, but now you're facing a crisis and it's time to take advantage of it and wonder: What is water? What do I do, how do I think that is so obvious to me that I don't see it anymore?
Originally Posted By: Barry
The truth is, the only life I want is the one that's unattainable without me becoming something I don't want to be.
Can you expand on this? What is it that you would have to change? What is the kind of person that you don't want to be?
Originally Posted By: Barry
I feel lonely because I AM completly alone in how I feel about this sitch.
This is interesting. Why do you think that most people seem to take her side? Try to be self-critical about it. People come here with honesty and confess their faults. We have porn addicts, people with a history of violence, of neglect, nice people who aren't so nice to their W (that's me), adulterers, etc. The more honest the introspection, the better help you get and the more chances of living a better life.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
My W is being "propped up" by so many people in her decision and not one of them really cares about me or sees D as a bad thing. What I need is more friends and allies!!
Getting more of the people you know on your side won't help, I'm afraid. You might be interested to know that in my situation, pretty much all my W's friends/family told her to give our relationship another shot. You know what she did? She distanced herself from all of them and started talking to more distant relatives and strangers instead. It seems the need for confirmation bias is stronger than social bonds when you're really hurt. What I don't know at this point is what causes a WAS in this state of mind to come down from it.
Me:31 W:31 D:6 T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009 W unhappy: 6/14 W moves to parents: 10/14 W wants D (angry): 12/14 W okay w/ S: 2/15 W wants D (calm): 2/15 W gets new job/place: 3/15 W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
So I've had a couple of sessions with my IC now, read DB and most of NMMNG. There's been big changes in me this week, even if not in my sitch.
I spoke to IC about the fact that NMMNG has really got me thinking about my life as a whole, who I am, and what it is I want. She commented that she could see and hear a change in me since last weeks session and said that I'm on a voyage of self discovery myself (which is exactly what W is on too).
Although my journey was forced upon me, maybe it's the wake up call I needed. As it stands, there's no change in my sitch in that W is seeing this S as permanent. I really haven't given it much thought this week though.
I needed a break from the worry of it all (maybe W needs to take a bit of this off me anyway!) so I went shopping one day and bought some clothes, some CD's, and a few other bits and pieces I thought I might like before but never got round to buying because I was so busy caretaking.
I've rested, eaten well, worked out in the evenings, been out with friends and made some new ones too...oh and I bought myself a sporty little car today too (For those that don't know, I gave my S18 my car due to his giving up the ghost so I was without transport).
As I was looking for a car, I instinctively looked for family saloon cars or the "sensible" option. In the end, I went for whatever I thought was fun to drive, and just thought of what I wanted instead of what everyone else says or thinks.
I've had that attitude all week and it's liberating.
It's not a "sports car" but it is convertible and very sporty looking. It does definatly say fun though. The kids love it, my D15 asked me to take her to her Prom in it tonight
Here's one I DO mean Mozza... W will be jealous which isn't my intention BUT if she is then so be it!
This week has been one of detachment for me. NC with W in a week and although the sitch is in my thoughts a lot of the time, the emotions have been different, less painful. I'm seeing things differently now. Although I do still want to R with my W, I've really been thinking about our R over the last 2 years and it's been so poor. We've both let and actively made it happen but only one of us has any interest in finding out is we even CAN be together.
I'm leaving things as they are at the moment. I'm getting on with what I want and enjoying spending some time with the kids. I've really hit a turning point I think.
I must admit that I'm still conscious that an OM BD could come at any time though so I won't get too comfortable.
Mozza, I'm still thinking about your questions and will post seperatly.
Keep smiling Barry.
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Great update, Barry! It sounds like you had a really good week, with a big improvement in your PMA (and sanity!) since last week. I would venture that being NC with your WAW made a big difference. I know it does for me -- go to my thread to see what 2 x 1 minute encounters did to me yesterday. I'm glad you're making inroads with your IC and reading the books.
The convertible car sounds like a fun choice! I know what you mean about tangentially making your WAW jealous. I think it's perfectly normal at your stage of the sitch. I'm 5 months ahead and I still have that thought sometimes. It's not at the forefront anymore though.
Get ready for being very patient. You've likely embarked on a voyage that will take at least a year. Think about that. Even I, knowing and preaching this, sometimes feel like making things that would stop the wait. It will get worse before it gets better, but it doesn't mean it will be bad forever. My IC is really encouraging me to see the good in my sitch. That's not how he puts it: he rather makes me confess that there were things I didn't like in my M and WAW and that they're gone now, that I have opportunities I had given up, etc. It's really helping me to cope with the difficult times.
Keep smiling.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Barry, I'm loving to read this - and pleased to meet Barry the racing driver. Good for you - sounds like you are managing to get yourself to a much more positive place.
And whilst you are in no way doing this for your W - it's so much more attractive!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
