An interesting few weeks, and I would love to know what others think about today.
My crazy cuckoo MLCer (who got married last summer, not to OW) has been contacting me with increasing frequency , and politeness over the past few weeks, about re-establishing a relationship with his sons (now 28, 33 and 35).
I think this is a good idea, have learned not to be Mrs Fixit, but offered to do anything I could be facilitate the relationship developing.
Many more emails, and as we both happened to be with an easy distance of each other for a few days - he has two homes - we met up today (first time in over two years).
He looks terrible - old and haggard. BUT he listened, acknowledged that he hadn't realised how much he had hurt everyone, and that he needed to meet and hear what his sons had to say. [There was also a fair bit of half hearted posturing, but it felt like more for forms sake than because he really believed it.
Just before we parted he told me how much he really cared about me, even if his actions over the last few years had not shown it ( although he said over lunch that he was right to end the marriage !!)
Oh and his wife phoned him four times during our 4 hour meeting!! He was very short with her. I felt like the other woman.
Is he finally coming out of the fog? Or is this yet another touch and go? My greatest wish was always that he would be able to be a father to his children again - even adult children need one. And I might get an old friend back, which would be nice.
I would like an end to MLC in my life. And this is one that doesn't leave me alone.
Bea, I know you know this...but your sons are adults now and they have to determine whether or not they want to re-establish a relationship w/your xh. This is something that they have to work out in their own time and if your xh is sincere in doing so, he will have to show them that he is more than willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. After all, they all aren't little kiddies at the playground fighting over a ball that they all want to play with.
Well, we shall see what transpires w/him. Will he continue to send crazy emails or will he actually grow up and be the man he is suppose to be? That's the $100 question of the day.
MLC does take a toll on them and I'm not surprised to read how he looks. Life isn't too kind to them when they are out there acting like kids at their age!
Bea, be very careful in what you are willing to do to help him. You can't fix the mess he created...he has to do that himself or else he will never accept responsibility for what he's done, nor will he learn to be accountable. If he truly wants to reconcile w/his sons, he will find a way.
Is he waking up? I would say he's still baking after he made the comment about ending the marriage...but time will tell. Until then, be careful in attempting to fix things for him.
Bea, very interesting indeed. I do understand your desire to see him to come back to your children’s lives and be a father for them again. I agree with job, that it is up to him and your sons to establish a relationship again. I have a feeling thought that he comes to you because he is also trying (or experimenting in trying) to find his way back to you.
I think there is something that is driving him internally, but he is still trying to keep the status quo and is not ready to admit that he made a mistake (hence the comment about ending the M.)
I think you’ve been doing great in terms of dealing with him and his crazy e-mails. I do hope that he is at the end of his journey and finally starting to come around. I agree with job, that time will tell.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Job, thank you for your insight - I am cautious about this. I truly feel that it would be emotionally beneficial for all parties to be able to move forward into some sort of relationship. He was a truly great father until MLC hit.
All I have agreed to do is to say that I think this will be a good thing. If they don't think so, then I will back off. And I have told my xh that it is his mess, and he has accepted it.
A few other tidbits to give insight into the MLCer - in addiiton to alienating me and his kids, he ended (very)badly with OW1, and her kids, who he took on as family.
He told me yesterday that his brother and sisters think he is autistic (!) - previously I was told it was all hunky dory there.
And he told me doesn't have much of a relationship with his new wife's adult children.
He claims that he has lost contact with all our former friends because they 'sided' with me. Actually the ones I keep up with are simply embarrassed by how he behaved during the height of MLC.
I don't know if other LBS have found that quite a lot of friends melt away partly because they do not understand MLC, and think you had a murky relationship for years. The ones who stay the course are gold.
But, no real relationship issues apparently!! Although I do think there was a bit of a light bulb moment there. We didn't work through this in any order - it just came out gradually.
He is definitely starting to realize that his life is lonely and a mess, but he's still baking.
In most instances, the mlcer loses the former friends because they opt to distance themselves from them and yes, the former friends do become uncomfortable around the mlcer because they know that something is terribly "off" with them. Also, when the mlcer is acting out and thinking like a teenager, they are years removed from the mature adults that they use to hang out with.
He's sharing bits and pieces of his life w/you, but he's still got a ways to go. Is he telling you this stuff because he wants someone to feel sorry for him or is he actually talking about his life?
As for the lbs and friends walking away...many do because they don't know what to say to the lbs and feel uncomfortable w/the entire situation. Also, they don't want to get dragged into the middle of a situation that could become messy.
He is sharing his life with me, I think. I think he actually doesn't want me to feel sorry for him over this. But who knows. I think he has got to a point and hasn't got a clue about why he is there. Maybe time to either retreat back into the tunnel or do a bit of digging. We shall see.
It is disturbing to get a glimpse of the former spouse. Almost easier to deal with them when they are clearly crazy.
I am getting away from it all for a few days walking, then a minor op, so other stuff to deal with, which is good.
Bea, I agree w/you on one thing...he's trying to figure the whys of it all. He is starting to wake up just a wee bit, but let's hope it's the beginning of something more and he can actually find his way out of his fog.
Yes, it can be quite disturbing to sit there and listen to them talk about how things turned out and see the pain and confusion of "how did I get there". It's like watching someone wake up from a year long coma and seeing that everything has changed drastically within that year.
Please take care of yourself. Even minor ops. come w/some pain and healing. Be kind to yourself during your recovery and do not worry about your xh because the man upstairs is watching over him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well said, job. Bea, I am thinking of you. Sometimes I forget that all the wise people here, who have endured so much and have such amazing advice and input, still are in the trenches in their own way.
It is unbelievable how this MLC thing really works (or works agains??). It also helps me realize that I have noting I can hold onto. I mean, you and the others who have been through this long enough are truly amazing people. And it's bc you knew when to let go, what you can (yourself) and can't control, and just let it run its course.
I'm sorry, bea, I'm not trying to make it about me. I am just amazed that you guys are so amazing and still have some aftershocks of the MLC that you are dealing with.
Take care of you, bea. I hope you kids are able to handle everything well, that they get some answers and some sort of healing from this, too.
