Bug-I never saw Alice. But I did see the Exorcist, and I read the transcript of her interview. Thanks for the suggestion! And yes, Google is our friend.
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You have to get there, to YOUR life, otherwise there's a danger that future R will resemble your old M.
^^^^^^^ This is exactly what I feared the most, and it was my #1 incentive to making big and small changes using free will. I freely admit that I was not one to express gratitude enough to him. I pretty much took everything he did for me, us, our girls and our household for granted. He's always been a good provider and he managed what I considered the "male chores" in an outstanding fashion.
So, when he left and I was stuck with those chores, I was beyond pissed. I hate yard work. I hate shoveling. I'd rather do laundry, clean and cook. Then I had to do it all, and I was resentful as hell. It also got in the way with any ounce of gratitude I had flowing through my veins. I really couldn't see the upside in my imposed new lifestyle. And on top of it, I was stuck in a house that needed a lot of work (that he promised to do when we moved into it) without having skills to do the job myself. I'm a lousy diagnostics technician, and even worse at repairing anything remotely mechanical. My skills lie elsewhere.
I remained steadfastly devoted to my righteous outrage. The gall of him! (I am not joking in the least bit here.) It took a long time for me to LET.IT.GO. I'm a bad let'er'goer. Really bad. I'm much better now, though. The only thing I knew from the start is that I had one shot to commit to making my life different for the 2nd half. I didn't want to remain who I was or how I felt, and I sure as hell didn't want the same marriage with someone different because I wasn't evolved enough to do a better job in a relationship.
My XH has a slew of hangups and issues. But he owns them and God knows, I have enough of my own to clean up. When I started working on the cleanup on my side of the street, it truly took away the lure of calling him out for his curbside trash. My trash didn't smell or look any better out there for everyone to see.
It really IS a lifelong process, Claire. I'm not healed, and I never will be where I want to be. I'll feel like I've reached the next level when certain news items don't irritate my butt under the saddle. (I found myself growing irate when I told my dad yesterday about a state senator here who made a hideous comment about a recent tragedy.) My neck grew red and I could feel my blood pressure rise and I knew afterward that I still have a long way to go too. My dad helped let some of the air out of the tires by wondering aloud if we're heading back to the dark ages...
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We have to be able to recognize when our "gift" becomes a supposed to rather than a want to.
This is something that I'm going to focus on when I have my next relationship opportunity. I try to incorporate verbal and active gratitude toward others right now, but the real test will happen in a more intimate setting. We shall see.
Just a side note to make sure that you know I'm not caught up in the blame game of my FOO dysfunction. My parents did the best job they could with the resources they had and the information available. It was a lot easier to forgive them for their foibles once I became a parent. It's a lot easier now for me to give people the benefit of the doubt. I sleep easier for that too.
Good luck! Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thanks for checking in. Doing ok. Busy busy week at work. Went to a conference on Saturday and heard some really inspiring speakers which was a nice, and needed boost.
Trying to stay on the positive side.
Here's something I don't quite know what to do with-- I read MWD's FB page and tweets. They make so much sense to ME, but of course I'm not the one who needs to hear it right now. But there is no way for me to get STBX to pay attention to what she says, much less for him to believe what she believes. So, it's both hopeful and frustrating to read her words/watch her videos. Does that make sense?
Looking forward to a few days off- going away with some girlfriends next weekend woo hoo!
Nervous seeing my name under your thread? I'm sorry if I was too blunt last time. I am really hoping to help you get unstuck from where you are. It's my style not to mince words, but I have the best intentions.
Originally Posted By: claire7
Here's something I don't quite know what to do with-- I read MWD's FB page and tweets. They make so much sense to ME, but of course I'm not the one who needs to hear it right now. But there is no way for me to get STBX to pay attention to what she says, much less for him to believe what she believes. So, it's both hopeful and frustrating to read her words/watch her videos. Does that make sense?
It's not that your H is stupid or stubborn: if he sent you quotes and articles and books on how to be happy after D, you'd be just as closed off and probably offended. How about this: "D is like being born again; a second chance to grow and become your own person" Did it feel good? Well, he feels the same about "D is not the solution" kind of quotes. Emotionally, he's not open to any of this and none of these quotes would seem very insightful to him.
So, what to do with them... How about not reading them? Why do you still go read the tweets and posts of MWD? How do they help you almost 1.5 year after BD? Is it something about DBing that you want to understand better? Or are you going there to get some of that hope that might be toxic to you at this stage? I'm afraid that it's only keeping you stuck in the past because it's constantly confirming your way of thinking and making your H the bad guy for not getting it.
I cut off my WW on social media because it was dragging me down. It was hard and it took me months to do it (chronicled here). Maybe for you it's cutting out stuff that confirms your views about D. You know you didn't want it and you know you can't change it unilaterally. You know that you need to detach, for your own good and for a potential R even.
Originally Posted By: claire7
Looking forward to a few days off- going away with some girlfriends next weekend woo hoo!
Yay! Tell us more about your GAL. What are you doing that you really love. Guilty pleasures, rediscoveries, permissions, etc. You might want to check the 2-3 posts I wrote to stacey9, starting here.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
It's ok. You drop your message like an anvil over the head but I'm a tough cookie. I was speaking to a colleague yesterday who was so defensive, and I knew that she was going to have trouble hearing any perspective other than her own (she wasn't mad at me-- it was a situation with a client)... but she couldn't see her own role, or the client's perspective at all.
I won't be that way.
So, fire away, I can take it.
In other news, I had drafted an update but never posted it. I spent some time with STBX at my SIL's father's funeral.... here it is: ------------------------------------- So, mozza, labug, Betsey, MB, Ss, and everyone else who's held my feet to the fire and encouraged me to face myself honestly:
I think I had a real, true, detached DB moment.
STBX, D4 and I drove all together last night to the funeral of my SIL's father. I am proud of myself for: -- being a calm, helpful passenger. NO anxiety in the car. I put the phone down, making pleasant conversation. This is an enormous 180 for me. (I used to be so anxious in the car that I would look at my phone the whole time. I was too afraid to look at the road. H hated that I was so anxious, and that I wouldn't engage with him.)
-- D4 said she had to use the bathroom. As a team, we calmly got off highway, found a place to stop, I took her in and handled it easily. No problem.
-- kept the conversation (mostly) light and breezy (we were going to/coming from a funeral, after all). I was not obsessing over whether I was making a good impression on H or not, not fixating on whether I was appearing positive or interesting enough. I was relaxed.
--I even made him laugh.
There were even more "Claire is detached and moving on" moments, but I think you get the gist.
I'm starting to get it, you guys. Champagne all around! !
Hey labug, Here's something I don't quite know what to do with-- I read MWD's FB page and tweets. They make so much sense to ME, but of course I'm not the one who needs to hear it right now. But there is no way for me to get STBX to pay attention to what she says, much less for him to believe what she believes. So, it's both hopeful and frustrating to read her words/watch her videos. Does that make sense?
Looking forward to a few days off- going away with some girlfriends next weekend woo hoo!
How do you know you're not the one who needs to hear it right now?
I thought for a long time, if only H would read this, see that, hear the other, then things would be grand.
Guess what? I was still trying to fix him. I wanted to judge him as being wrong which then made me right to my way of thinking.
When I focus on fixing someone else I don't have to look closely at me.
Continue to read or watch but not with the intent to fix him. Ask instead, what can I learn from this. If there's nothing then I guess you can let go of watching them.
If watching them keeps you stuck in the blame game, then let it go.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Claire- I thought it was interesting to hear Mozza's point of view on whether reading M advice was holding you back somehow. I'm not how I feel about it.
You know- on the DB Forums we are all about detachment and dropping the rope. It's like a race to see who can move on the fastest! I know that helps both for our own sanity and then indirectly giving our M the best chance.
But I'll tell you something...to me there is something very admirable about feeling so strongly for so long.
I'm not saying I want you to be stunted in your growth, or to be needy/codependent and unable to feel good about yourself without a man. I'd agree that if in 10 years or even 5 you were still waking up every day fighting demons that would look a little neurotic.
But look at it this way. How attractive would it be if someone lost their spouse and they were out the next weekend like "whatever, that's the past maaaaaaaaaan"...? I mean, I would think there was something sociopathic about that person!
Personally, though, I am touched by how deep your feelings have run.
Now, I don't want to see you in pain. I want you to find peace and acceptance. And I don't want you to be caged by insecurity or feelings of insufficiency. But while you try to grow into your best self, and while I'm sure I'll admire the person you grow into, I'll also say I kind of like who you are now too.
Last edited by Zues126; 04/04/1501:43 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Wow, Mozza! I too read MWD's articles and posts on FB and I never thought about it from the perspective of what if H wanted me to read a bunch of pro-divorce stuff. I really needed to see that.
Claire, I don't have much to add but I do love that you made an anvil reference. Hang in there! I always think you're doing great on this journey.
Last edited by Lorelai; 04/04/1503:14 AM.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
I'm sorry if I was too blunt last time. I am really hoping to help you get unstuck from where you are. It's my style not to mince words, but I have the best intentions.
Hang in there! I always think you're doing great on this journey.