A few recent highlights: I had an awesome GAL weekend-- girl's trip out of town!
I've decided, for the time being, anyway, to pull back a bit from H. No more responding to non-emergency emails right away. Trying to keep it to once/day.
I had a bit of a setback where I realized I was not detached enough, and probably swung over to the "cold" side of interaction... but I'm working on my "you are my work colleague with whom I have a friendly, but totally professional, non-emotionally-connected relationship" attitude.
Reading MWD's, Gottman, Marriage 365 FB and twitter posts are both inspiring and frustrating. I keep fighting the urge to forward them to WAH/STBX. But I know that would not have the desired effect. Trying to focus on how they can inspire ME for my future relationships, and not get bogged down in trying to save this one.
Thanks y'all. Reading your stories keeps me sane and honest.
Just tracking. . I set a goal of limiting interactions to 1/day by not responding to non-emergency emails or texts. So far, so good. Also thinking about maybell and boundary setting: I think I'm getting better at that. I emailed him about upcoming holiday... according to parenting schedule, he's responsible. I am odd from work that day (not sure if he is), so I just calmly reminded him this was the plan and that he will need to make arrangements. Kept it purely business.
At the moment I am not at all interested in a buddy buddy relationship. That is not the right term, because he shows no interest in friendship with me (like some other WAH), but we are not adversaries either. I can't really describe it. It's a bit more than just cordial because he does think we can have casual text or quick email conversations.. or that I will respond right away to a quick question or do small favors. That's not working for me right now and I guess that's because I'm just still working through the hurt.
I'm also thinking about Ss and Maybell and others, who discovered awful behavior their H ' s did. I have no knowledge of that sort of thing with my H. Somehow that makes it harder to detach and accept. It's like... what the F was the problem? I mean, I know we were both unhappy but why be so stubborn after all this time and all the change he's seen in me to still be so unwilling to even attempt any repairing.
Why am I still having such a hard time moving past the fact that he just up and walked out on me one day without even being willing to try.
Yesterday my D said, "mama, I'm sad. I miss daddy". That's certainly part of why it's hard to move on.
It's still hard to think about. It's hard to accept there will be no closure, no "answers".
claire7, My S4 says "I miss mommy", every time I pick him up from school or he goes to bed. He has said "I miss my family"..etc. I asked if he ever told mommy he missed me or about the family. He said no. He has been not so nice to her and lashing out. I have asked him to be nice and love mommy, as I do. (post D) He needs to talk to her about why he is sad, mad, angry, and let mommy help him with those feelings. Well, Last weekend, he did. So now i know my WAW is getting to feel the same from S4. I hope it stops their issues. So, all that to say....YES it is hard to move on when your kids are hurting. I really got no closure from my WAW. I am in the opposite situation of you. It is difficult to comprehend why a loving and wonderful person would just pull the plug w/o trying to work on simple issues via honest conversations with me and a therapist.
Last edited by NewB3; 02/11/1505:43 PM.
Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14 I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
At the moment I am not at all interested in a buddy buddy relationship. That is not the right term, because he shows no interest in friendship with me (like some other WAH), but we are not adversaries either. I can't really describe it. It's a bit more than just cordial because he does think we can have casual text or quick email conversations.. or that I will respond right away to a quick question or do small favors. That's not working for me right now and I guess that's because I'm just still working through the hurt.
While I am not as far along in the process as you are this is something I struggle with as well. My W will text (or call) with random, non-important stuff. Like she texted me yesterday complaining about the long line at Comcast. How do you respond to that? I just tried to empathize with her, but it was still odd.
And yet, when he is formal and more business like with me, I hate that too.
I asked D (now 4) if she ever told Daddy that she misses him. She said no. I told her she could tell him that.
I'm not sure it would register. He is not known for his empathy.
I think it's like with Ss. Perhaps he has just decided that there would be too much effort and work involved (repairing R with me and friends and family too), with no guarantee that it would work... so it's just easier to give up and start fresh with someone new with a clean slate.
That's not the kind of person I want to spend my life with anyway. So lame and weak. I think I pity him more than anything else. He makes such a big point to call his apartment "our apartment t" with my D, yet he barely keeps anything there for her. How is it "her" home when she has to pack a bag every time she goes there. So lame and sad.
Thanks, Maybell. Would this be easier if he was evil? Probably not. I'm glad I'm not dealing with financial struggles, etc.
I was thrown recently because I've been more "friendly" than normal since his dad is so sick-- very flexible with schedule, offering words of support, asking how his dad is doing. And then I got an email that he had followed up with our mediator about the revisions to our parenting plan. Like, he says he has no time for anything besides work and his dad and our D, and is stressed, but has time to make sure the D is moving forward.
My WAH's father probably has days (or less) to live.
He had to make a big decision regarding his dad's care yesterday. I emailed him to say that I knew it was going to be a tough day for him and that I was thinking of him and his brother. No response. No updates about his dad's condition at all yesterday.
Then, this morning, he texts me something funny that D4 just said while they were having breakfast. Today. Valentine's Day.
Chuck would probably tell me to respond-- couples often connect over their kids, right? Maybe just to say, "Cute! Thanks for sharing."
Off to treat myself well today. Hope you all have a lovely one, too.
I spoke too soon. WAH's father just passed. H was here dropping off D4 when he got the call with the news. I am falling apart. It was so awkward. I didn't know what to say or do. He talked about how difficult it has been dealing with his step mother... how he pretty much hates her. And how his dad has no other family except him and his brother.
I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to hug him, I think. I did neither. I don't know what to do or how to act or what to say to him.
But I have to pull myself together because I have to be a mom. Geez this is hard.
