KGirl - letting the past go

[zew]

Sounds very much like a success story, KG!

I think for most people on here, it's the hitting of the reset button without our consent that is very scary, but once you come to grips with dealing with yourself and letting go of others, it can't help but turn out better than it was.

[KGirl]

Zew! Doesn't look like you've posted on your own threads in awhile, curious to hear what's happened.

[ATPeace]

KGirl you sound like you really have come a fry long way

This is a journey that I am on and I am so relieved to have people here that I can relate to talk to and trust and laugh with

KGirl should rename ... GoGirl.

Ghost x

[SunnyB]

KGirl, nice to hear an update from you. Yes, I'm sad to say I'm still around here, in the middle of the legal process right now.

I'm at the point where I'd really like to date, but I won't until the D is final. But even then I have no idea how to go about it. I GAL very well, go out with friends, stay busy when I want to be, but the dating thing is different. For starters, no one is asking me out, so there's that.

Anyway, glad to hear from you, and glad you are doing well.

[KGirl]

Sunny, I started posting way back in Dec 2013 so no need to be sad about the timeline.. I'm still here, sorta! Once the legal stuff ended for me, XH and the D kinda became out of sight, out of mind, so it made it much easier (and I thought about this site a lot less). The dating piece is certainly scary. I didn't have any friends or connections that way to turn to, the vast majority of my colleagues are female or not interested in women, so I tried the whole online thing. The good thing about that is if you meet someone you don't like, it's easy enough to say you're not interested in meeting up again and then you never have to see them... I'm still finding some old issues creep up, but at least now I recognize them and can work at them. I find myself saying "he is NOT XH, so you don't need to expect he's gonna pull the same cr*p as XH" and I find myself having the codependent struggle of pulling away too much vs. being way too overinvolved. Still trying to work on that balance.. always a work in progress.

[TDball]

KGirl, I hope this doesn't come across as creepy (it probably will anyway!) but after I read your update I started reading through your old threads. Your most recent update is pretty inspiring, and where you are now is where I hope to be in a year from now, so I wanted to see what kind of struggles you went through (to see if there was any hope for me!).

It is so obvious, even from your first posts, that you had so much going for you. I'm about halfway through, and I keep thinking "Really? She still wants to work on her marriage? She wants that guy back?" I feel that way about myself sometimes-when I go through all of the objective information, it makes no sense that I would want to reconcile with my H. Looking at my situation objectively, this D, and my H leaving, will probably be a blessing in disguise. I don't know if you feel that way about your own situation yet, but reading your first post and your most recent post, it seems like it was.

Anyway, thanks for your update. It's truly inspiring and gives me hope that things will work out for me too, even though it probably won't be in the way that I had hoped or planned for!

[KGirl]

Tdball - hi! No worries, I don't think it's creepy there are a number of people on here I've read cover-to-cover, so to speak. Looking back it's a lot easier to realize I had very low expectations for my M (and low self-esteem to think that was the best I could do and to put up with what I put up with) but it's always hard to see at the time.

I know early on I'd obsess about things like what a certain text message meant, or something he said to me, or that I didn't share my dinner with him and now did I screw up all my chances?? and now I cringe when I see newbies obsessing over those things because in the long run.. it doesn't matter. People say it's a marathon, and all those little things people analyze and overthink are prime examples of being distracted by the two steps in front of you and not having the end of the marathon in mind. One small thing you say or or do or he/she says is not going to be the thing that breaks the camel's back here (and if your S claims it is.. that's just smoke they're blowing to come up with an identifiable reason). I hope people on here can start to see that message earlier than I did.

It's still hard to think about it being a blessing in disguise because being D s*cks, but I do know the guy I'm currently seeing is better in so many ways, and now see that what I deserve in a relationship can and does exist. He listens, we communicate, he isn't dismissive when I'm upset or frustrated but genuinely wants to know what we can do better with each other, he makes the effort. I'm happy now Do I wish I could have skipped over everything with my XH and not had that happen? Sure, but then maybe I wouldn't have been able to appreciate what comes next... who knows.

[Mozza]

KGirl! I'm glad you came to give such a positive update. Looking at it, I'm not surprised that you don't think about your XH very often.

I envy that you're starting a new serious relationship because you're given the chance to apply in reality the lessons from your previous relationship and D. I hope that I'll be a better H, but mostly, I want to see how it plays out in practice. I know I'll be bothered, upset, angered by my future partner, because it's just life, but I want to know how I'll react to it all.

Thanks for the update and good luck!

[KGirl]

Ah... finding myself back here after a tough week. My relationship of six months ended last weekend. This was my first relationship since D. I knew there were some problems and I went into the conversation wanting to talk about them and figure out how we could address them (because I really did love the guy, I realized) but he decided that some things were "red flags" for him and he "didn't see this working long-term."

I know I can't blame it all on myself - this was his first in-person relationship (he would meet people online through gaming and have long-distance relationships with only one or two in-person meetups) so I think our expectations about time spent together, communication, staying connected, etc. weren't quite in synch, and it was probably somewhat overwhelming for him. He sent a lot of mixed messages - he would talk about inviting me to holidays, or maybe moving in together, but then would say he wasn't sure if he wanted to stay in this same city or not and wanted to "move slowly." Ultimately I don't think we were on the same page of what we wanted and where we were in life. He had just finished his bachelor's degree in May (at age 30) and was just in his first full-time job this fall, and was very focused on spending time building that up.

I noticed I started to fall back into some of the same patterns of being a little too clingy - it started to fall apart when I got more serious about the relationship and started getting frustrated by things like only seeing him twice a week, him disappearing all night with no texts and no idea where he might be until the next day when I'd ask what he was up to.. and then I was told I was prying. So, I guess I have some thinking to do there - I could have probably been more laid-back about it but after 6 months, I also felt like it was time to move forward. I don't think I am being too crazy - just need to find someone that is in synch with what I value. I felt like I did a good job of fairly communicating my wants and needs without attacking. He would tell me he understood and that my needs were important and things would adjust for awhile.. but then he'd go back to the same distant behavior.

So, back to the drawing board I guess. It's been tough. I want him back all of the time right now. But I know from DBing and this board and everything else that the best thing I can do is to let him go, and re-learn being happy on my own. If things change for him and he pulls his sh*t together and wants back in he knows where to find me.... and I know what I would want in order for it to work.

[KGirl]

Starting a new thread in "Surviving..."