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Good for you -- I'll be watching to see how things go for you. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
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Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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You're awesome, Lisa. I love your last post and I'm right there with you in being inspired by Mozza's pursuits (pun intended). Interesting that you've had similar experiences re guy that gives you butterflies (coffee guy in my case) and the married man (plane guy). I think you are right, that these little encounters help to bring us out of our own fog. It blows me away that it has been a whole year for both of us.

How are you getting on in regards to forgetting about that nasty OW/ex-friend? I thought you got some really great suggestions. I didn't feel like I could add anything since - as you know - I exist in a state of blissful ignorance in that regard wink

Last edited by gan; 06/03/15 11:24 AM.

H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
gan #2574715 06/03/15 11:34 AM
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Hey also, I think you'll do great at online dating. You come across as so awesome on here. Great mix of energy, fun and reflection!

You, ma'am, are a someone I'd like to meet IRL wink


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
gan #2574853 06/03/15 05:06 PM
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Awww gan! That is so sweet! And the feeling is mutual. Oddly I am actually horrible at online dating. I feel like I am pretty engaging IRL but online I fall flat. I don't know why. So I am inspired by Mozza to streeetchhhh myself. Thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement and support! Love ya girl!

I did get a lot of great advice re the OW! And I am taking it to heart. I'm trying to see her/him as damaged losers who are not worthy of my jealousy and at the same time try to understand that they just acted from a place of selfishness and try to forgive their foolishness. Some days are better than others smile

Thanks for checking in, Gan and Maybell! Big hugs to you both!

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LisaB - I'm so glad to see an update from you. I'm flattered that my journey is inspiring you. Yes, it is an experimental approach. I know some think that we should fix our relationship to the other gender on our own, but to me it's a contact sport and I need to meet people to study my own reactions.

I think what my IC is observing without telling me is that I'm a narcissist who thinks that everything is his fault. When I tell him about being afraid of using people, he wonders out loud if they might be using me just as much. It makes me more confident that if I'm straightforward, honest with what I'm seeking, then I might meet people who match me in this period of my life. We're all experimenting, not everyone is seeking a partner for life at each encounter.

I think you will learn much about what you're seeking in a man. I know that I observe my reactions closely with the women I meet. For instance, I've always sought women who would not challenge me too much, who would not appear too self confident. It makes it easier for me to approach and seduce them, but I'm not sure it's what I need in a long term relationship. I want to get out of my comfort zone and approach women who intimidate me. Is there something that you seek in men that makes dating easier, but relationships harder?

I feel like everyone I meet poses me a specific challenge. For instance, one of the women I'm seeing has a lot of issues that would get on my nerves, and many things that speak to the fixer in me. I have to bite my tongue many times not to give her advice or tell her what to do. I just let go, like I should have done so much more in my M. I observe what happens: does it become unbearable to me? Does she get worse or better at these things. In a related conversation today, she told me that she has a bit of a contrarian bent when told what to do, so I guess she's a good person for me right now. Hopefully there will be such people on your path to test the new LisaB, aka LisaA.

I understand why you fear rejection after this experience, but separation, reading and therapy have made me almost immune to it. My IC really insists that it's nothing personal, that it's a matter of finding a match. Think of beautiful people that do not attract you (Angelina Jolie in my case). So I don't feel there's something wrong with me when I'm rejected. I just think it's not a match. Keep going. And one thing I would never ever do is to try to convince someone to like or love me, or change for them. Pure waste of time and it won't end well. See yourself as a certain shape looking for the matching shape.

One word of advice, regarding online dating, that I should follow myself: make sure that you only go for the men who interest you. I fell into the trap of going for the women who showed interest in my profile, but that's not a recipe for finding the woman of my dreams. Now sometimes I see a new person I'm interested in, but I've too many ongoing interactions with others to engage more. If I had more guts, I would kindly drop the least interesting ones. The narcissist in me probably exaggerates the hurt it would cause them, not to mention that I only make things worse by continuing the interactions. I see this as a lesson about me and a step to take in the near future.

Come back to keep us posted!


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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Hi Mozza, thank you for all the insights! Wow. You've given me a lot to think about!

And I love your quote in your signature. Sometimes I feel like everything is a disaster in my life in the most chaotic moments. It's good to think that success might follow!

I tend to have the opposite approach to online dating that you do. I am not afraid to get rid of those who do not interest me. In fact I may be too ruthless but as I said before I am pretty sure of what I do not want, even if I am still finding out what I do want.

I like what you said about finding shapes that fit. Maybe it is a bad attitude but sometimes I feel like I might never find a shape that fits me. I'm very social and meet many people each week. And yet I rarely meet anyone who strikes my fancy.

As I said, I am inspired by your example Mozza and I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone and be more proactive. So far it has not been easy. I find myself getting discouraged. When I approach someone and they don't respond enthusiastically I feel rejected and then I just want to throw in the towel and become a hermit. I know in my heart I am giving up too easily but there is a strong part of me that is trained to think that if I, as a woman, have to pursue the man - that it will never work out. This keeps me from making contact and following up. I am great at this in my social and business life - but terrible at it with my dating life.

Lately I have been trying to be more proactive. If I meet a man I like, I might send him a message and ask if he wants to meet. Or maybe just start a flirty chat online on the dating sites. But so far it doesn't seem to go anywhere. And then, I feel worse than I did if I had done nothing. I feel rejected.

I'm not stupid. I know logically that if one or two men didn't respond it is not the end of the world. That maybe it has nothing to do with me, or maybe he has other things going on right now. Or maybe he just doesn't like me but that's ok. Logically I know this, but I am having a hard time picking myself back up. I don't even care about these individuals. I just don't hate this feeling of rejection.

Maybe I am not ready for this dating stuff.

But in my head I keep thinking of how brave you are Mozza, and trying to be inspired by your adventures and experiments!

Hugs, Lisa

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Regarding finding the shape that fit, I see it as a one in a million chance. So I have to get out there again and again. Of course, it's not easy. That's why I have to get comfortable with rejection and being rejected. By the way, my IC thinks that I see rejection where there is none. I'm not done thinking about it.

Getting outside of our comfort zone is not easy, but is often so rewarding. I definitely want this period to be one of reinvention and of progress. Also, my mom always told me when I was young "If it hurts, it heals" and I stayed with the impression that hurting a little is a good sign! See every feeling of rejection as a step towards getting better at it. Once you've experienced it tens of times, it won't sting much. You'll be much better at finding a good mate. You need to lower the risk that you'll fall into the arms of a so-so prospect just because he's not rejecting you. That's important.

My reading of Models also helped me deal with rejection. I imagine each person as an obstacle towards the one that wants me and that I want. If they are to reject me, I better know it early. It means it's not them. Moving on. I don't see women as people that I should convince to want me. Also, I'm very careful to limit my investment in them to something reasonable at each stage, and not exceeding theirs. So I don't get too enthusiastic too fast about anyone and I always keep in mind that they might disappear at any time.

I'm glad to follow your efforts, fellow experimenter!


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Hey Lisa,

I'm like you when it comes to online dating. I have no problem letting someone I'm not interested in go. One thing I have learned though is don't beat yourself up if someone doesn't reply. They may find you attractive but are currently connecting with someone else. Sometimes people chat go on a few dates and leave the site. Sometimes they chat go on a couple dates and it doesn't work out so they are back online. It's all a big numbers game so don't take it too personally. Someone that doesn't really know you can't reject you because they don't know you....make sense...kinda? Lol

One thing I have learned in life is forgiveness is not for the other person. It is for you. It doesn't mean what they did was ok. It doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them. It means you let go of the bitterness and negative energy that their behavior caused you. : )

My STBX is not seriously ill. I don't think anyway. He is needing to find out why he keeps having stomach pains and watching what he eats. It's sounding like gall bladder issues to me. His latest fling left for a new job across the country a month ago. She didn't seem to mind leaving him behind. Lol Now it is his turn to think about things.

I'm taking a break on online dating. I haven't really met anyone I get butterflies over. just dying to live my life and find happiness in each day. I have a busy Summer planned. All we can do is keep moving forward. You never know what's around the next bend.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





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Lisa...I cannot believe it's been almost two months. The time FLEW! I hope you're doing ok. I'd sure like to see you start a new thread and keep checking in at least once in a while, unless this is holding you back. Either way take care of yourself!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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