Moving On - LisaB

[Maybell]

Lisa, I don't have any magic forgive and forget. In six weeks it will be two years since I learned about OW who also knew STBX was married with three kids and still went after him -- I think, using him till she transitioned from intern to paid staff -- and then she dropped him for someone more appropriate. I cycle between wanting to beat her to a pulp and not caring about her at all. And I too am happier... Or at least, anticipating a better quality of life, now that I'm not tied to someone who treated me like a Sherpa/concierge/appliance.

I really feel for you that you're going to be encountering her through the foreseeable future. I personally don't think I could manage that without generating at least one epic, soul-satisfying, feel-the-shame-later scene. But I think you're going to find as time passes that she falls away from your circle. Because you are awesome now and she is not and its going to be like a centrifuge, or oil and water. The quality people will stay in your life. The ...I can't think of a nice, poetic term that will pass the censors, so we'll just say, less quality people... will mingle with their own kind. And that is how Time will deal with that insult.

One more thing. Like you, I've looked back on my life and I see places when I was very young and very stupid where I did harm that I WISH I could take back. I'm heartily sorry for a few things I've done, some intentionally, some not. I WISH I could make amends some way and I hope that the lesson I've learned from all this at least somewhat balances my karmic score. I hope I never perpetrated this great an injury on anyone.

[Zues126]

I love your post LisaB. Thank god you're validating your anger and working on processing it, and not denying it. I know I would feel angry too, for sure. The fact is I still feel angry at my STBX when she does things that are insensitive or disrespectful to me, or that are diminishing and hurtful to my children. I too feel I should be further than this...but then again we've both come further in a year than I ever thought we would have. So maybe BD is just so bad it DOES take 2-3-4 years to really get past most of it...and there may be things that always trigger a flash back. D is forever, just one reason why I believe in M

As for the coping tool...when I want revenge, when I am angry, I just remember this: Their character flaws and behavior impact me just a few moments here and there...they have to spend their entire lives as themselves. And while you may not see them suffer from their choices, let me ask you- why don't you betray those that love you and trust you for a ego trip? Is it because you'd be disgusted with yourself and would feel a sense of loss for never being able to look in the mirror the same again, for missing out on what it meant to be in a true committed M? Well, that's their road.

Betrayals and affairs are no different to me than doing drugs. Yeah Lisa, you'll never feel the rush of a dope high. You are really "missing out". And someone else gets to feel that way at the expense of you. And you may not see them suffer from that choice while you watch. But you know it's not doing them any favors, or they'd put horse tranquilizer in kids cereal (actually with my D8 that's not a bad idea...).

So those are the things I say to myself to combat the emotions when they rise up...and also to remind you it's not about you at all. Mature people wouldn't cheat on ANYBODY, not even a really bad, unsexy, unattractive, failure of a W. Therefore the fact that they cheated doesn't mean anything about you.

Personally from what I've seen you're in that 1% of women that seem mature and committed enough to be a good partner, so in my book you're top shelf. The bad news is 99% of men might not care about that. The good news is that the 1% that do will see how profoundly awesome you are for it and they will be in the top 1% that you deserve. Or something like that.

[Wonka]

Lisa,

One does not ever 'forgive and forget' for that will always be seared in our memory banks. I've forgiven Ms. Wonka...sure. Forget??! Nooo. However, I do have to say that the anger has subsidized over past few years.

Very seldom do I get this thought or fantasy of wanting to plant a hard right jab at the OW for a K-O (or worse).

Not too long ago...about two weeks ago...I was out running errands and I saw this woman who strongly resembled the OW. Oh.....my heart stopped and I had this strong visceral reaction to this stranger all because she looked like the OW.

I've got to hand it to you in being able to see the OW alll the time at your workplace. I am not sure if I could have coped with it as well as you have, Lisa.

[Karma12]

Hi Lisa,

I have been sharing your struggles with dating. A part of me wants to and another part is Meh. I'm just doing my best to live my life. Keeping busy and planning things to look forward too.

You suffered a double betrayl. That's a pretty bitter pill to swallow. Your friend interrupted your marriage. She was not a friend. No wonder you are finding it hard to trust again.

I'm having coffee with my STBX on Sunday. I'll let you know how that goes.m

Keep finding something each day to make you smile Lisa. When the time is right the right guy will come along.

Big Hugs,

Karma

[stacey9]

Hi Lisa

I struggle too with 'forgive and forget', but it must be so much worse when you were friends with the OW. You describe her as sexy, but she must suffer from low self-esteem to use people to boost her ego. You are the better person in all of this, maybe she was jealous of you and just wanted what you had.

I know it's not good DB, but I wish nothing but the worst for my H and OW. The heartache they have caused is astounding, and yet they hold their heads high and appear to have the perfect life.

You take care Lisa, you're doing great.

[LisaB]

Friends you are so kind! Thank you for the words of wisdom.

stacey9 you are so right about the self-esteem issues. Why else would you try to steal someone's spouse?

Karma12 indeed we have to keep plugging away and being happy with our lives! And maybe someday that Mr Right will cross our paths I look forward to hearing about your meeting with your H. I think I read that he is not doing well and has been ill? Hope nothing serious!

Wonka thanks for stopping in! I know exactly the feeling you described when you saw the OW lookalike. Ugh. That's the feeling I want to get rid of. I don't want to care! Luckily I don't see the OW in the workplace, she was my H's coworker. I just see her around town sometimes and popping up on social media since we have friends in common. But it bites...

Zues126 thanks for the words of wisdom! I love everything you said. Very wise. True that a good, happy, secure person would not try to steal a spouse. Maybe someone who was fundamentally a good person could make some mistakes, but in the end it shows it isn't about me, it is about her. It burns that my exH still can't see that she used him and is a crappy person, but who cares what that idiot thinks anyway. I'm looking out for that 1% now

Maybell you are amazing! You hit the nail right on the head. Some part of me does yearn for that big scene beating the crap out of her or telling everyone she is a ho-bag. But I know in the end it will just make me look bad.. and feel dumb. That's one reason I hate the feeling of anger, because I don't want to risk that scene if I am ever face to face with her.

PigPen Wow, what a beautiful message. Hopefully I can take your words to heart and also embrace the fact that I am happier now. I think the dual practice of realizing I am better off - counting my blessings if you will - and realizing that H and OW are acting out of insecurity might help me to get over my anger. Thank you again for your kind and wise words.

Thanks to all of you. I really appreciate these messages of advice. I will read them again and again when I am feeling angry about this.

Big hugs, Lisa

[Bob723]

Hi Lisa,

It is good that you are not denying your pain. You have to grieve to be able to move forward. I feel so terribly bad for you, but I know you will make it. I agree with Wonka, it is impossible to forget.

But, at some point, for your own sake, you will have to learn how to forgive him, even though he doesn't deserve it. You are not anywhere near that point now, I know.

Why do I suggest this? I've learned forgiveness offers many benefits to us from a woman who held a free seminar about it. I wish I remembered her name.

4 Benefits of Forgiveness:

1. It sets you free from the past - from hurt, frustration, and fear - and from miserable experiences of many kinds.

2. It significantly reduces the total amount of anger you will experience in your life, because no painful event is allowed to contribute.

3. It allows your mind - conscious and unconscious - to focus on the present, and that leads to more effective and rewarding living.

4. It sets a relationship with another person free to grow and develop.

I hope you, and others, find this helpful.

I'll keep you in my prayers!

*Hugs*

Bob

[LisaB]

Hi Bob, thanks for dropping by! I agree that forgiveness is the best policy, but I am having trouble with the reality of it. I think perhaps that it just takes time. From past experiences I realize that most pain passes with time and forgiveness mostly comes naturally along with that. But I wish it would happen more quickly. I guess I should be happy that I'm not sad and devastated anymore and now just angry and hateful for a moment here and there. Hopefully soon that will pass too.

Thanks for your info about the benefits of forgiveness.

Hugs, Lisa

[Bob723]

Hi Lisa,

Yes, it takes time, and there is no exact time. It is different for all of us. I think you're right, the forgiveness will eventually come naturally.

You're very welcome! Try to think good thoughts and eventually I believe the angry, hateful feelings will be less frequent and pass for you.

You can do this!

Hugs, Bob

[LisaB]

Hi friends, so it is my Antiversay as Toots called it. So funny. I don't recall the exact date and I don't want to look it up but it was around this time last year that my ex started acting like an a-hole and then dropped the bomb. It's hard not to remember and reflect on how deeply sad and shocked I felt at the time. And interesting to realize that the sadness has passed.

I'm still not sure I am completely ready to date, but I am inspired by Mozza. I'm inspired by his willingness to experiment, stretch and grow via the dating process. I have decided to take that experimental attitude into my own dating adventures.

A few things have brought me to the realization that it is time to make some sort of efforts:

1. A few months back I met a man who gave me extreme butterflies. A crush! That woke me up and made me see that I was possibly open to meeting someone new.

2. Recently I met another man and became friends. He is married. But we had a friendly connection that obviously could have become something deeper if he was not already attached. The great qualities I saw in him gave me a clearer idea of what I am looking for in a new relationship. Somehow in the devastation of my marriage I had lost my grasp on what I wanted in a man. I couldn't see beyond the pain to the positive things I was looking for, only the negative things I wanted to avoid.

Meeting these two men took me out of the fog of rejection and into the clearer air of hope. But then I took a look at my meeting/dating patterns in the past few months. That's when Mozza inspired me.

As I said above, I am nervous about getting out there again. I don't want to be rejected and I feel insecure. In the past months when men have shown interest in me, I balk. I am vowing to put myself out there to date some really great guys. I'm going to try online dating websites, I'm going to be open if I like someone, and I'm going to smile at strangers. I'm going to try not to let my fear control me.

Maybe I am not yet ready for a new relationship, but I feel like I need to take this next step into moving on so that I can heal.

Ex report: I haven't heard much from him. I wonder if he too realizes it has been a year. And I wonder if he is happy with his decision. In the end, I think he did me a big favor in leaving. I think I had settled for "good enough" and called it great. Sure we probably could have fixed it to make it great but after all the mean things he has done, I think now it is too late.

Hope you are all doing well! Hugs, Lisa