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A Message from Michele
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Re: Maybell XXIX [Re: Underdog] #2536571
02/10/15 09:50 PM
02/10/15 09:50 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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Wonka  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
Maybell,

Look...I think it's time for you to step up and clearly state your needs clearly to STBX in the best interests of everyone. Outline them in a calm and clear-eyed way. Explain how his actions are actually hurtful. He really needs to hear it. Then it's UP to him to step up the plate and take ownership for his commitments.

Re: Maybell XXIX [Re: Maybell] #2536644
02/10/15 11:55 PM
02/10/15 11:55 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
S
SunnyB Offline
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SunnyB  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
Originally Posted By: Maybell
My anger and resentment is about him walking away and living like he has no responsibilities outside the office


Maybell, your H is a lot like mine. Mine did this while we were still "happily" M. He worked, I did everything else. I've kind of made him step up since we've S. I ask him to do a lot more now. But, he's not the slacker your H is in the parenting department, so all I have to offer you is a hug ((MB)) and a "you go girl" when you have your next conversation with him.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: Maybell XXIX [Re: SunnyB] #2536668
02/11/15 12:30 AM
02/11/15 12:30 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
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GoatGal Offline
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
Maybell,

I haven't been on here for awhile, as you know, and I'm just catching up with your sitch. I see that D is imminent, and you're going through all the struggles tangled up with that.

I know you hear it a lot, but you're super smart, very strong, and you will persevere. His loss. BIG TIME.
But you know that.


((((Hugs)))

Your Pal,

The Goat Gal


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Re: Maybell XXIX [Re: claire7] #2536862
02/11/15 04:16 PM
02/11/15 04:16 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
L
labug Offline
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labug  Offline
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L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: claire7
Don't harbor resentment, maybell. Don't be a martyr. You are not his employee but you can still tell him what you need. Detach from the emotional part of it.


This is good.

Also don't try to explain his sh!t. He's probably caring about them as much as he's able. That may be sad but it is what it is. It's beyond your capabilities to do anything about his level of caring. If you want him to have them a shared amount of time, then say that and mean it.

It seems you let him off the hook sometimes and slide in to 'woe is me.' (he doesn't really care about them, his work interferes) They are his children. He needs to figure his life out so they can be a part of it. People usually only make big changes when it's really necessary. Actually it's usually past necessary. smile Don't make excuses for him.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Maybell XXIX [Re: labug] #2536878
02/11/15 04:51 PM
02/11/15 04:51 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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labug  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
Oh, your thread was all the way back on page 5 or 6! What gives? I'm going to keep bumping it so it's not so difficult to find. smile


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Maybell XXIX [Re: labug] #2536879
02/11/15 04:53 PM
02/11/15 04:53 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Maybell Offline OP
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Maybell  Offline OP
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M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Wow! I consider that growth. smile

Harder to post now I work, and so much to think about. But it's lovelyto have you back, Labug. :))


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: Maybell XXIX [Re: Maybell] #2536921
02/11/15 06:00 PM
02/11/15 06:00 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Maybell Offline OP
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Maybell  Offline OP
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M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
First off, thank you SO MUCH to everyone who replied. I had nine people's thoughtful posts to consider so I took the time to digest as well as I could before I started responding. I so appreciate your interest and insight.

It's interesting to me how bent out of shape I was about this yesterday. I solved the water heater problem in a way that made me look pretty good to my boss and still got me hot water so that worked out. I am actually enjoying the kids and selfishly like having them almost all the time. I would very much like to be able to do things in between but their schedules are moving targets too, and they've objected to losing me in the evenings because my going back to work has been a big adjustment for them.

But I feel badly about that. They no longer say they're sad or that they miss him. They don't ask to call him or give me any openings for offering for them to call him. They've told me they miss me more when they're with him for a weekend than they miss him when they're away from him for 12 days. They don't ask to call him. S9 doesn't answer his texts and D11 isn't sharing anything of substance with him (mostly she asks him to buy her apps). S7 just sends emoticons. They're doing great -- behavior, grades, demeanor, etc., all improved since he's been gone (and I got my head around it). But all these rainbows and unicorns can't come without a long-term price. The problem is, STBX doesn't think long-term; he's never had a job longer than three years. He told me at our divorce conversation that he can see staying where he is now for as long as 3-4 years more, which doesn't even get D11 to driving age before he moves away for a job. Trying to get him to understand that his children need him when all the outward indications are that they are thriving with this level of attention from him is pretty much a non-starter. Mozza, he acts like your WAW when he has them, which is even more infuriating given how little he has them.

So it's not just him causing the problem. Some of it is me. There are parts of it that work for me. I just think in this, it would be better if it didn't go that way.

Underdog, the custody thing will most likely go exactly as it currently stands. I discussed it with my L and he already has a plan for making sure the kids and I are provided for in a way that accounts for that.

Labug, you said I tend to let him off the hook and then get frustrated and you are exactly right.

Yesterday: I sent my text as shown above. He answered with a long one about how he has a huge project going on that makes him unavailable. Then says he'd do more to help around the house if I told him what I need. Except that I had -- and he said no. And he drops the kids off on Sunday nights and has never once taken the trash to the curb for me, or ANYTHING small like that. I must make the effort of telling him what I want so he can say no. I pointed that out and objected, told him he was capable of being proactive about caring for the kids at least and he repeats that work has been tough and "it's temporary not permanent." I refrained from saying, "it's been continuously temporary for ten years!" though maybe that would have been more effective and appropriate.

Then he said "I understand you are frustrated and I don't want to fight about it. I'm sorry. I really am."

"I dont' want to fight about it" has been his default "we're done here" for as long as I have known him. Trying to discuss or resolve a problem past "I don't want to fight about it" becomes an abusive effort because at that point he just completely disengages. I am left feeling completely out of options, and if I can't come up with a solution that leaves him out of the equation I feel impotent rage. That usually lasts just long enough for me to figure out how to solve it without him and then I carry on. This has been my MO for years.

I think this situation is a microcosm of how we got to divorce.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: Maybell XXIX [Re: Maybell] #2537001
02/11/15 08:07 PM
02/11/15 08:07 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
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bdub Offline
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
I suggest you present him with 2 schedules of your chosing. Let him chose which one you use and stick to it. Give him one week to decide. Give him your list of sitters including their numbers. Kids need stability and consistency. It is time for him to decide what his # 1 priority is. If he choses to work when its his time, he finds and pays for the sitter. If you are tempted to rescue him and let him off the hook, schedule a class or meeting for that time. Every week. I have seen it work. Not only will the children benefit from the structure, but Maybell will benefit from the GAL and a small break.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: Maybell XXIX [Re: bdub] #2537010
02/11/15 08:20 PM
02/11/15 08:20 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
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bdub Offline
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
In my sitch there are exactly ZERO changes. We split time 50-50. The boys show up at my house from school on Wednesday and one week WAW comes at 10 am on Saturday to get them while I am at work, and the next week she comes at noon after church to get them. No contact, no negotiations, no changes, no fuss. On my side of the fence, the boys know that when breakfast is over on Saturday or Sunday, their mom is on her way to get them so it is time to get ready.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: Maybell XXIX [Re: bdub] #2537028
02/11/15 08:46 PM
02/11/15 08:46 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
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claire7 Offline
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claire7  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
Bdub,
It's great when your lifestyles allow it to work out so well.

My H has frequent business trips and work functions that require schedule changes. I have those rarely, but once in a while. How do you handle things like that?


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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