The boundary pushing will keep on going for about 3 months. The intermittently for another 3 to 6 months. Be strong keep those boundaries in place and the pushing will lessen. I watch Gamanon members put boundaries in place for the first time and the gamblers whether active or no push back broadly in those time frames. Your W has been compulsive although not in the same way, I admit.
In twelve steps we listen, validate and mentor the new member in holding their boundaries.
HP, said it many times and will say it again, you are the man who ceased his life back and shook it. Some hiccups but HP you stayed as a beacon for S12. In this way you are a role model for those newbies on the board. A man who has become and is becoming. It is still raw for you and HP one of your great gifts is your ability to empathise and share.
I think now W has her own place life will ease. S12 will be happy to visit W, he seemed to find the burly of aunts, the noise very trying. In addition what 12 year old wants to share sleeping space with a parent? Although it does sound like aunt has been a haven for W and provide a little stability.
You can breathe on this a little.
On my thread, and although I have only been on the board since October 2014 I have been DB for longer and almost a year since BD1, there is more change my automatic "no" is becoming interlaced with more "yeses". In house S is very wearing and you had the courage to change it. The rereading of your threads and mirroring your courage will help me when my time to live alone arises. You and Dawn are my role models. I think given more time and W calming then you will see your way to some "yeses", but of course they will not be your boundary issues.
Please do post, even if it is on your own thread. We do have some humorous stuff going on too!
Peace and big hugs to S
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 02/19/1505:57 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hello Wonka and Vanilla and T-mom. I'm still here and doing a new thing...
I have decided to file for D. I want to.
No anger about it. No anguish either.
It's just the logical thing for me to do now.
The main thing is, due to political stuff at my company, last week my work offered to pay me a month's salary to move to where I want to be... South Florida. I didn't even ask for the money... I just opened my mouth at the right time. And I'll still get to work from home by the beach. Bonus.
On the other hand... my work has been suffering. Today I finally got called for my slowness and got the verbal kick in the ass that's been coming. So I was very productive today and now have the energy and focus to save this job I was on the way to losing.
Finally, XW turned mean again. I've been extremely consistent about letting all her calls go to VM. Only responding briefly, if at all, to her texts. When I found out about getting paid to move, I delayed paying my part of the outstanding school tuition last Friday (which would have started the process of paying for another year of school here).
So, last weekend, her first weekend with S12 at her new place, she went a little crazy on me.
On Friday, S12 texted me to say he wouldn't make his basketball game b/c his mom was taking him to her aunt's birthday party. (The day before, XW texted me saying she hoped I could make it to the game.) Then, S12 texted me he wasn't feeling well and was going home. I called him and we talked. Then he texted me saying he would make the game and would I be there. Of course I said yes. Then another text from him (and XW) saying he wasn't feeling well and would go home with XW. I called him again and we talked. I could tell he was sad and I commiserated with him. Told him none of this was his fault and that he would be OK.
Later, at 10pm, I texted him hello and asked if he was still awake. No reply so no problem.
First thing the next morning, I got a number of angry texts and an VM from XW. I didn't listen to the VMs.
The texts were along the lines of how I'm making S12 sad b/c he misses me and thinks I'm sad, how she's baffled and I'm an a**hole b/c I would text him at 10pm on a Friday night, how I shouldn't be my son's confidant and if I needed to speak with him so much I should get friends, how she's going to meet with an L this week to get the questions that I won't answer answered, how I should remember I f*cked this M up too, and on and on with a lot of cursing. Later, as usual, she sends her "I'm sorry I yelled at you on the VM but I meant it b/c I'm so frustrated you won't talk to me" text.
I did not subject myself to the VMs or respond to any of it. Instead, I made sure to call S12 a couple times a day to say hello and hear about what he's up to. He said he was doing great at his mom's and she was doing her best. Good to hear.
Later in the weekend, she asked me again, and nicely this time, about the tuition and filing taxes and paying her part of the old bills and asking for time on my Saturday next weekend so she can take S12 skiing. I did not respond to anything.
This morning she texts me to "PLEASE" answer her questions (even though she says she's seeing an L this week to get me to answer). I don't respond.
Then, this evening, I respond... "Hello W. I'll answer your questions as soon as I can."
She replies with a nice "Thank you HP I so appreciate it" and how much S12 is looking forward to seeing me tomorrow when I pick him up and can she take him skiing on my day (changed the pickup time again) and how she sincerely hopes I am doing well. Then she sends me a few pictures of S12 in her new place. I don't respond.
Today I was supposed to talk with my L about filing D. Funny thing... there was some accident that closed their building today. I'm rescheduled for Wednesday.
I don't need the time to reconsider, though.
I'm going to ask about fighting for primary or sole custody of S12. What I can do to move with him to Florida. What I can do to ensure W pays her share. Just what I can do by filing for D. If it makes sense and is possible to get where I want to be with S12.
This is not a tactic.
Good things keep happening to me. I'm going to make the most of it by filing.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Thank you Vanilla. You know I don't want any of this. I don't see another way unless I submit to living how XW would prefer me to live... in this city supporting her and this path she's taking.
In Florida I have family and friends that S12 could instantly get to know. And I would be happy. I know S12 would miss his mom and friends here. That's the only thing.
Today XW emailed me that she is meeting with the financial aid officer at S12s current school. She wanted to see if she could enroll him as the primary parent and remove me from his account and so get aid. I emailed her back to politely say I will not agree to that. She replied OK she didn't want that either.
She also said she is meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to see about mediation. She asked if I would feel better using my lawyer if I had one. She's moving forward with her plans again like I have no choice.
I have not told her I'm filing D. I have not told her about my work's offer to pay me to move to Florida. I have not told her I want S12 to come with me.
I was thinking my lawyer would break the news to her that I'm not planning to live the way she hopes I will.
Now that she's meeting with the school and planning for the next year, I'm thinking I let her know today and leave it at that.
Is it wise for me to let her know I'm filing D and planning to move and want S12 to come with me? I don't think so.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Ours is -- by its very nature -- an adversarial legal system. There's a reason why they put that little "v" in between the names of the parties. If she gives you cr*p about it, say "I let the attorney handle that; that's what I was advised to do."
Ours is -- by its very nature -- an adversarial legal system. There's a reason why they put that little "v" in between the names of the parties. If she gives you cr*p about it, say "I let the attorney handle that; that's what I was advised to do."
