... and so starts the physical separation...

[TSquared2]

When my XW first moved out, all the tension, negativity, chaos, etc followed her right out the door and moved with her. My kids (all teens and young adults) noticed and comment on it as well.

The relief I felt was amazing, and I did feel a wee bit guilty about feeling it, but I fixed that guilt in time.

You are doing well, and it does get so much easier not having all that yuck around.

[T-Mom]

Thank you all.. it isn't going so badly.... I have seriously limited my contact with him, and I feel much more relaxed...wasn't sure if that would go away quickly, but it hasn't, so that is helping. He texts me on a regular basis, but I am not responding unless it is related to my son, or the house...I am feeling ok.

[Vanilla]

Everything Ok T?

V

[Marylov]

Hi! I just read this thread so I don't know everything that is going on but I wanted to say it sounds like you are handling it well. My H is trying to move out, it is taking forever and even though it breaks my heart I am looking forward to him moving out because his coming and going as he pleases is driving me crazy. Have you thought about doing a controlled separation? With guidelines? I don't know if your husband would be open to discussing it but I have drafted some points to discuss and my H surprisingly is willing to go that route.

[T-Mom]

Hello, V... I am ok....I have kept up the limited contact, but H continues to do things for our son whenever S asks, and he is still trying to take care of the house.. kind of...It has been extremely cold here in NY, and while I not home, H is chopping and bringing in wood for our woodstove. Although we use heating oil, it makes a huge difference with the woodstove. He also adds wood or starts a fire if it goes out while I'm not there.

How are things going for you, V?

Hello, Marylov. I am in complete agreement about not dealing with the comings and goings of H... it was driving me crazy! As far as controlled anything... no... he is doing his own thing and has no reason to give an inch.

[Vanilla]

T

Same old, same old H, but a V who is evolving (a little).

I am glad your H is doing something. Even a little something in the craziness helps.

We just have to let them be. Let them be someone they want to be, to find out that when they get there it is not what they expect.

V

[Marylov]

I think it says something that your H is still taking care of the house. My H left some unfinished projects around the house that are just another stress for me to deal with. It really hurts and I can’t help but feel sad and honestly a bit a angry every time I see the unfinished project.

[T-Mom]

V, your wisdom is inspiring. I can't help, in my case, to think that H will get what he wants and it will be how he sees it. Either way, that's all on him.

Marylov, we all can relate to the hurt and sadness...I think you have to feel the hurt and sadness.... otherwise it will come out some other time. the anger is probably disguised hurt and sadness... it always is in my case. Don't feel alone withe the unfinished projects, there are a million at my house too! Are there any that you can finish? That always feels good to be able to do.

[SunnyB]

Have you thought about doing a controlled separation? With guidelines?

Mary, my H and I are in a controlled S right now. We set up guidelines about child sharing, finances, house/car repair, dating, and a few other things before he moved out. It has been a real stress-reducer in my opinion. I don't have to worry about calling him when my heater breaks, he has already agreed to be responsible for that. We don't stress about money, we know who pays what. The only reason we change child-sharing is his business travel, which he has been pretty good at keeping off his days.

I don't believe the agreement will change the outcome of the S in any way, except maybe if we were fighting about these things I'd hate him. And I don't. Which I feel like is better for our kids. Anyway, it was the right way to go for me.

[Marylov]

Rpplfl, I think it is interesting you say that it won't chane the outcome except that you would hate him. I think that is a pretty big thing! I am not saying I think we will reconcile just because we did a controlled separation, but having less stress and working together to agree on different items...I think that gives us the right mind set. Less stress leaves more room for reconnection. At least that is my hope!