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A Message from Michele
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Re: Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues [Re: Complex] #2534671
02/05/15 04:46 PM
02/05/15 04:46 PM
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Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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Stay in your own home. If it makes her uncomfortable, SHE can leave. There are things you can do to minimize your contact with her, both by not being home when she is and also while you're both in the house.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues [Re: Starsky309] #2534687
02/05/15 05:46 PM
02/05/15 05:46 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Ontheup Offline
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Hang on in there complex.
Im having to move out for financial reasons. If I didn't have to no way would I. I cant wait to now. Its killing being here.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Re: Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues [Re: Ontheup] #2534909
02/06/15 04:55 AM
02/06/15 04:55 AM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
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Complex Offline OP
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Complex  Offline OP
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Ya. I have to get out of her way. But I just enjoy being around her, even after she did this to me. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need to be around her at least a little but so she can see my changes. But it does NOT work^^. I should get out of her way more. Maybe I seem needy to her.

SRD how come you gotta move out for financial reasons? Wouldn't it be smarter to stay or what's the deal? It must hurt, but it'll help detaching. But then its the double sided sword, you detach better but you might grow apart even more...


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Re: Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues [Re: Complex] #2534948
02/06/15 11:03 AM
02/06/15 11:03 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Ontheup Offline
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I cant afford to stay in our house on my own. If I don't leave my wife will so stuffed either way.
It hurts a lot right now and I just need to be away from her.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Re: Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues [Re: Ontheup] #2535015
02/06/15 03:40 PM
02/06/15 03:40 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
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Complex Offline OP
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Complex  Offline OP
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I'm in NC with W right now and I don't know if I should even start any conversations at this point. Neither do I know if she told her family.
I just read Starkys advice in SRDs thread what to say to W. But I've said too much already. Every time we got into a conversation it was more of a blame game. I told her so many times that how she handled the situation is not acceptable, but all she is saying is "I'm so sorry...but we have to forgive ourselves at some point". And I feel like she still doesn't get how disrespectful it was to go the path of an EA, then calling it quits within the M and legitimizing her EA and let it grow.
I guess I'm still too focused on that.

Now, if I make her open up some, start being friends with her again I feel like catering her too much and it may cause a faster D process, through mediation or what ever we are going to do to make this rather friendly.
If I don't it has the potential to being nasty. I don't wantbthat either but I need to protect myself and be firm and also stretch the D to a certain extend bc I obviously want to still save my M.....not sure what position to take!?


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Re: Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues [Re: Complex] #2535017
02/06/15 03:50 PM
02/06/15 03:50 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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Originally Posted By: Complex
Ya. I have to get out of her way. But I just enjoy being around her, even after she did this to me. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need to be around her at least a little but so she can see my changes.



A very, VERY common mistake that betrayed men make around here.


She's a woman . . . TRUST me, she will hear of your changes thru that grapevine that they all have. smirk


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues [Re: Starsky309] #2535146
02/06/15 07:50 PM
02/06/15 07:50 PM
Joined: Oct 2013
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nit84 Offline
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Just adding to what Starsky said above ^^^ and if your W's are anything like my W they will become very upset when they learn or see for themselves the Changes you try to make.

My W was so incensed that I was trying to better myself she ranted around the house for 3 hrs berating me for doing things that made me look better than anybody.

I calmly answered "I am doing this for myself and nobody else but thanks for noticing."

Then she really got mad.

Best thing about it is these changes have stuck and 20 months later I feel great about myself.

You will get there also.


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
Re: Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues [Re: nit84] #2535148
02/06/15 07:51 PM
02/06/15 07:51 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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Posts: 6,810
Florida
Originally Posted By: nit84
Just adding to what Starsky said above ^^^ and if your W's are anything like my W they will become very upset when they learn or see for themselves the Changes you try to make.

My W was so incensed that I was trying to better myself she ranted around the house for 3 hrs berating me for doing things that made me look better than anybody.

I calmly answered "I am doing this for myself and nobody else but thanks for noticing."

Then she really got mad.

Best thing about it is these changes have stuck and 20 months later I feel great about myself.

You will get there also.





Yep.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues [Re: Starsky309] #2535320
02/07/15 04:09 AM
02/07/15 04:09 AM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
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Complex Offline OP
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Complex  Offline OP
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I see where this is going wink It's going to take time, and of lot of it. And I'm just antsy. But I see some light again, I feel way better detached. I'm glad I'm out of town. In Vegas actually...that's a very distracting place, although I'm here for work.

So now I basically need to find the right balance between "making W mad" and stretching D process and being a man only a fool would leave, which means I have to be mature about the S and to a certain extend agree on things.
Depending on how rushy she decides things how am I going to find this balance?
This confuses me greatly. Or should I just go from decision to decision and figure out what's best?


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Re: Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues [Re: Starsky309] #2535609
02/08/15 07:55 AM
02/08/15 07:55 AM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
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DaddyLongShanks Offline
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: Complex
Ya. I have to get out of her way. But I just enjoy being around her, even after she did this to me. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need to be around her at least a little but so she can see my changes.



A very, VERY common mistake that betrayed men make around here.


She's a woman . . . TRUST me, she will hear of your changes thru that grapevine that they all have. smirk


Starsky


I'm starting to think after they did you like this, that you are single for a while. Best way and don't worry about what they are doing. You can hang onto her but she's not yours right now, and it just makes you look needy.

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