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A Message from Michele
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How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave #2532022
01/28/15 09:58 PM
01/28/15 09:58 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
H
HPoirot Offline OP
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HPoirot  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
My journey so far... http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rted&page=1

Right now I'm in a better place than a few weeks ago. I'm feeling OK emotionally. Ups and downs are much less severe. I still have to really GAL and exercise and eat right like I did before moving to the condo.

S12 is also doing OK. He's being extra helpful and extra loving to me today. He still has sad moments and mild panic attacks in the evening.

I put my wedding ring back on as a recommitment to keep the road home paved smooth. What that means to me now is to get great at being cordial to XW, to do something interesting for GAL, protect my PMA, and find/do something that gives me a sense of purpose and excitement in my life. That last is most important as I feel tired most days and I don't leave the condo except for errands.

On Monday my XW texted "I think of you. I miss you too. And I worry about you." I let that get to me emotionally. It was a good and painful learning experience. The pain wasn't nearly as bad as before so I am on the road to detaching.

While R is wishful thinking today, I do have faith it's possible and do visualize it daily. I have a specific vision of her and I sitting in the MC's office. I see us talking about our R. It makes me smile.

Listing some positives... XW would love me to be friendly and collaborative with her. She would love to have family events. She would love to talk with me. Would probably love to hang out. The only thing stopping all those things is me not being or feeling at all friendly.

From my actions she believes that I hate her. At some point, like the DB Coach suggested, it would be good to change that by being open to her asking me to do these things. I saw in the Denver_2010 thread how he did make himself available to hang out with is W even while she was seeing someone else. My XW feels she's met a soul mate b/c she feels heard and valued and seen. At some point, I'll have to be less hard line and do this.

For now, I'm standing firm on paying only my part of our joint bills and on not having my son away from me for entire weeks.

This is the text message I want to send to my W...

Hello XW. I got your text about school tuition and S12's new schedule. I paid the $X amount we discussed and will pay my part of the January payment, $Y, with my next paycheck. Also, how would you feel about a 4 day split schedule for S12? Thank you XW

Friendly but firm.

Can I do better than this?

Moving forward... I'm focusing on really liking myself and my life. Rediscovering how to do that given all the gifts I have.

So far, I've seen IC and got ADs. Made a huge difference in my life. There's so much more I can do to be a man only a fool would leave. Next is financial repair, fitness GAL, some new clothes, and fun GAL.

I have time. I can do it.

Last edited by HPoirot; 01/28/15 10:07 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave [Re: HPoirot] #2532027
01/28/15 10:07 PM
01/28/15 10:07 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline
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Sotto  Offline
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"She would love to have family events. She would love to talk with me. Would probably love to hang out. The only thing stopping all those things is me not being or feeling at all friendly."

Hi HP, I don't think the above is just about you not being or feeling friendly. For me this is a boundary issue. Soonish after BD, H suggested we still meet up as a family and do things with SS. I said no, I don't feel able to spend 'family time' with you whilst you're having an A with someone else. Luckily for me, H's XW and I get along well, and she has been keen for me to stay in touch with SS.

I think your message is fine - but I find the 'thank you' at the end a little curt. Might you want to soften it to 'thanks'...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave [Re: Sotto] #2532049
01/28/15 10:59 PM
01/28/15 10:59 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
B.C. Canada
K
Karma12 Offline
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Karma12  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
B.C. Canada
Hi Hp, Mention to your Dr. about your feeling tired all the time. It may be a side effect from your AD. You want to feel calmer and more even keeled but not to the point you feel like a wet noodle that has no drive or energy.

I find telling myself that no matter what happens. I will be ok. I am keeping busy and exercise really does help. It releases those natural endorphins.

There are ways to be friendly and courteous without allowing cake eating. I think saying hello and goodbye. Responding reasonably to texts ( as long as they are about S) just generally showing the same respect you would any other person you would encounter in your day are a good place to start. Drawing boundaries if the convo or text goes into more personal areas leaves room for cake eating.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave [Re: Karma12] #2532076
01/29/15 12:41 AM
01/29/15 12:41 AM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 555
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TenBook Offline
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TenBook  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 555
Best wishes to your S12. Breaks my heart to hear it.

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave [Re: TenBook] #2532104
01/29/15 02:24 AM
01/29/15 02:24 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
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HPoirot Offline OP
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HPoirot  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
Hello Toots, Karma, and vasapro. Toots and Karma you are right... I too believe I can't do buddy buddy family event stuff with her yet. Not just because it's pursuit if I initiate it and wet noodle if I accept her every request to talk... but mostly b/c I'm not ready to yet. I've let myself slide into a sad daddy demeanor over the years. I'm still too much like the HP she left.

As I uncover and show my MOAFWL side, I'll grudgingly start to accept 1 or 2 of her efforts to talk and get together. Then I'll be warmer... only when she initiates. I'll be otherwise to busy to deal with her and her drama.

For now... yes her and her drama I keep firmly outside my boundary.

...

I did send the text to XW. She replied she preferred the week on/off schedule b/c stability for S12 but we'll try the 4 day schedule.

For the tuition. At first she thanked me for updating her on my payments. A little later she said we need to talk. She has more expenses and student loans she said. We need to make another arrangement for the tuition. She already agreed to pay her percentage of the tuition. It amounts to about a quarter of her take home pay. My part is also a quarter of my take home pay.

Before all this happened, of course I was happy to help her pay her student loans. Even after BD, she planed to be nice enough for me to keep paying her expenses. That is part of my problem with her now.

Now, of course, I'm not going to pay her expenses. Only S12's. She will not have enough to pay for the apartment she wants, her car, her student loans, her part of the taxes, and her part of the tuition.

I'm just going to keep paying my part of the joint expenses. I did not answer her follow-up posts saying we need to talk.

So, she may start to say I'm ruining S12's life b/c I'm not paying her part of the tuition... essentially paying her student loans.

I'm not sure the best way to handle this. She doesn't want to work on our M yet she calls me everyday for help b/c her plans for me didn't work.

She doesn't get my help anymore.

Am I wrong?


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave [Re: HPoirot] #2532111
01/29/15 02:57 AM
01/29/15 02:57 AM
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 511
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nit84 Offline
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Posts: 511
Just a warning HP,

I like you paid my share of the Marital expenses even while not living in the Marital home. Once my W figured out I was only paying 50%, Which I thought was fair since I was not living in the home at the time, It took 3 months for her to discover this, She became irate. I moved back home 3 months later

She then L 'd up after another 6 months of this "arrangement" after that she went to court to have me pay Spousal Support and even though she was still living with me she was awarded a monthly sum because she made less than me.

That isn't the bad part. The worst is even though We were now "equal" in incomes the court ruled she was only responsible for 30% of certain household bills and none of the joint Credit card debt. I will get credit for the portion of credit card debt I paid that was hers but not until there is an settlement agreement or an actual Equitable Distribution Hearing. This has been like this for 9 months now and it is getting tight money wise for me. I am not sure of my W money sitch because we don't talk. Now that she has moved out she is not paying anything at all.


I guess what I am trying to say is see an Atty so you are protected Financially.

I feel like I have done everything I can to protect myself but it doesn't always go as anticipated. It gets frustrating.

We,as LBS, don't need any more things to think about than we already do.

Spousal Support is totally different than Alimony. My W is not seeking any alimony after we D if we do. Spousal Support is paid till the D is final.

My W seems to be dragging the process out to obtain as much money as she can knowing that once we are D the money flow stops.


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave [Re: nit84] #2532126
01/29/15 04:16 AM
01/29/15 04:16 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
B.C. Canada
K
Karma12 Offline
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Karma12  Offline
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K
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
B.C. Canada
Hi HP,

Yes pls do get legal advice. In court the judge wants the child to have the same lifestyle in both homes. Usually that means child support. Best to go for a consult. They courts care about what is best for the child. They don't care so much about who did what to who.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave [Re: Karma12] #2532246
01/29/15 04:27 PM
01/29/15 04:27 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
H
HPoirot Offline OP
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HPoirot  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
Just a quick rant. As her apartment moves nears, her contacts have picked up again. Texting me right when I wake up saying... "We really need to talk." Likely about how she can't afford her part of S12's tuition. Then VMs and a text about accessing our storage unit, asking to pick up S12 from school today so she can spend time with him, and questioning the 4 day split S12 schedule she already agreed to try. Every time asking me to call and talk. Every time talking like she expects me to be ok with all of this.

I feel like telling her I don't want any if this. I know not to show her pain or anger. But acting like destroying our family and finances is just business is hard and stupid.

Stepping back and thinking about it, this is her usual pattern when she gets anxious and I don't respond to her. She will pepper me with questions starting with what she really wants to know (me paying all of the tuition) and then ending with something I care about (s12s schedule). Then when I contact her about the last thing, she'll bring up the first thing. Ha... That's why she asked to pick up s12 today ... So I would respond and then she could follow up immediately with a phone call which is exactly what she did.

It's good that I stepped back b/c I was starting to allow some upset feelings. When it comes to her, I must remember to view her from afar. To not get sucked into her drama. I've made my positions plain and owe her no explanations. I must keep in mind she will not acknowledge my feelings about any of this. I just let go of my need for her to care about my feelings. This is where I am in my life and I'm in a great position.

Thank you for helping me think this through.

Just keep going.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave [Re: HPoirot] #2532256
01/29/15 05:03 PM
01/29/15 05:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,653
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LITB Offline
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LITB  Offline
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Posts: 1,653
HP,

You had mentioned that you consulted with a L in your last thread. Can you share with us what you learned?

Are you looking at 50/50 shared custody? From what I gather, your state does not fall beneath the "no fault" umbrella? Did your L run the numbers for you, based on what you know(Your income, her income, insurance, etc.)?

When you are armed with this information, it will help you to deal with her more calmly.

We shared 50/50 custody. One week on, and one week off. We exchanged our children on Fridays after school. That worked really well for us, all things considered.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave [Re: LITB] #2532266
01/29/15 05:28 PM
01/29/15 05:28 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,126
Detached from EVERYbody
P
PatientMan Offline
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PatientMan  Offline
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Detached from EVERYbody
HP, are you familiar with the castle and squirrel analogies?

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
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