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Joined: Jun 2014
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Shining Offline OP
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Hi, all. It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Although I’ve been reading many, I’ve been pretty quiet about my own sitch.

The kids are still doing great. Twins are out living their lives and figuring things out as they go, like many normal 18 year olds. S16 still thriving at school, same with D14, as much as a middle schooler can, I suppose….(eek). She has learned so much in the way of communication and boundaries. She will be far ahead of where I was at her age.

Work is still going well. I make far less than I used to, so adjustments continue to be made. One of those is the car I currently drive, which is in H name. I will be purchasing a used car and have payments that are less than half of what I pay now. H is getting his car back, and will get to figure out what to do with 2 car payments. grin . His problem, not mine.

H is still very much in lala land. A few weeks back, he began pushing me to find a car, and he became rude and impatient. He told me "enough is enough with the stalling. Get what you want out of it. I'm coming to get it asap."

I calmly reminded him how long it took us to find a used car for my S, and he backed off a little. I had to repeat things such as, “As I already mentioned in my last email, I will not be able to buy a car until x date at the very soonest. I am not being ugly. It is simply my schedule.”

That was followed by a day of friendly texts.

Then a few days later, he was in a frenzy to have me answer texts regarding the D papers he was working on. (He started these papers in July.) This will be the third or fourth time he has brought this up.

He is still being very reasonable with regards to splitting finances, retirements, etc. It is important to him that I don’t tell people he took my money. Ok. THAT’s your biggest concern…..whatever.

He still sees things as my fault, and continues to repeat the mantra, “too much damage has been done” with me favoring my kids over his adult son. That is the most recent and convenient excuse he has stuck to, although not the original one.

He still suffers from some eye thing and had to have draining and laser stuff done because he has a big blind spot. He looks old. He had a ton of thick, wavy hair, even a year ago. Now it's receding quite rapidly. His skin is gray He is very thin.

He says he spends entire days working on music. I do not snoop at all. I really don't want to know what he does and who with. I have a feeling he is still seeing someone, just because I don't believe he is capable of being alone.

One day after his eye procedure, I stopped by his apartment. He had a nice amount of cash to give me from one of our accounts. I brought over some home- made stew, and offered it with no expectations, just keeping things civil until all financial business is done. He made a comment, one of those half-joking ones.... He asked if I poisoned the stew. sick

Interesting thing....why would I poison the stew if he hadn't done anything wrong??

That was the first SLIGHTEST INKLING of him acknowledging guilt. He has so far to go. My response was, "dangit!! I would have if I had thought of it. Next time for sure." wink

He said that we will never see things the same and because of that, we can’t be together….. (funny, I thought we were two separate people….If he can find someone who sees EVERYTHING the same way he does, he will be dating himself.) smirk

After we agreed on a few things, and he asked me to review the papers on Wednesday or Thursday of last week. I agreed to do it on Thursday.

Annnnnnnnddd…….yep. He went dark. Never heard back regarding D papers the rest of the week. Twilight Zone, huh, uR?

Friday he sent a text asking an update on the car. I found one, but the seller has it in the shop until this week. That’s the last I heard from H.

I’m doing well overall. I seem to have hit another cycling of grieving….more sadness, and mostly at night. I do miss the good parts of our old, old, long-gone life.

Also, I have decided for myself, that I am in no way shape or form ready for a R. I’m still not dating. I have gone out with groups of friends, mostly parents of my kids’ friends.

I’m ok being alone for now. Forever, if need be, really. Not my preference, but if it’s a choice between being alone or settling and going through this again? Oh, heccks no.

So, it looks like my story will have another chapter that goes to D. I won’t lie to myself and say it won’t hurt. I also won’t lie to myself and say we could reconcile. Aaahhhhhnope.

For now, I keep living, keep digging, and keep dreaming. And some nights….keep crying and feeling what I’m supposed to feel.

Because I’m not doing this again.



((Hugs)) to all that are here, in pain, and posting. I am looking forward to having the energy again to pay it forward.


M44, H44, both M before
M4 yrs, T6
BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me
H att suicide 2/14
S 4/14
OW disc 5/14
D final 4/15
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Missed you, Shining!!

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Hi Shining,
Nice to hear from you. I'm just waiting on my court date to finalize the D. W was in such a huge hurry to get together with the lawyers and "finalize" things and have papers drawn up but now things have slowed down. Funny she hasn't seen her father since that day but went this weekend so I expect I will get a call from L soon now. The only time she gets in a hurry is when he is around pushing her to move. I have kept things civil between us and haven't given W a chance to spew her "reasons" for destroying our family. It has changed so many times just like your H it just doesn't matter what this months reason may be.

Like you I have no desire for an R right now. My D's actually have expressed to me that I should with my D15 saying I deserve someone who "cares about you not treat you the way mom did". I just smile and say not now. I wonder if your step son knows H is using him and your R as an excuse for his actions? One of W's reasons was I was "too hard" on my oldest D in the past and when my D19 heard her mom say this she got angry saying I was never too hard on her and was a great dad. Funny how only her and her father think that but to W it must be true.

I know the day the D is final will be sad and will hurt. Anyone who doesn't feel that way after 21 years of M and 26 years together has problems that go much deeper than their M. It's natural to feel this way, just don't let it hold you back from moving forward with your new life. It may not be the life you thought you would have but you still get to choose what it will be like. You've got THAT going for you! smile

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Shining Offline OP
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Thank you, Mighty and Matt smile

Matt, my kids are the same. They want to see me happy. They would be completely on-board if I started dating. They also know my reasons for waiting.

That's a really good question you asked about SS, and whether he knows he is still the excuse. At one point, I had said to H, "SS and I have forgiven each other and apologized. We have worked it out and moved on. Why haven't you?"

H didn't have an answer other than the default "too much damage" thing.

I hope someday H will come to accept himself, love himself, and be at peace. He was very good to us before he couldn't be anymore.


M44, H44, both M before
M4 yrs, T6
BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me
H att suicide 2/14
S 4/14
OW disc 5/14
D final 4/15
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
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Hi Shining - like Matt, I'm just waiting for final draft of the settlement. It's been over 1.5 years now, and I've finally accepted this mess. I could have written a lot of what you wrote above. You sound like you're doing well! I think there just comes a point where you have to close your eyes and jump into your new life - not necessarily the one you planned, but the one that's before you now. Boy, do I wish those of us who are getting closer to a D now could all get together when all's said and done, don't you? What a gathering that would be! We'd have a lot to talk about, but I have no doubt we'd all have a great time!


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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Shining, great to hear from you! I can relate to some of your feelings. Especially going through the grief process. I’m ok to be alone now too. Sometimes I wish I could share my life with someone special, but I just don’t see who that might be at this time. So, I’m good to be by myself for now.

Your H could be related to my, LOL. Mu H also has a reason for him to leave our M stuck in his head, and there is nothing anybody can do to get it out of there. The only difference is that he hasn’t filed for D. And there has been no conversation about that for a looong time. I think he has his head in the sand. I will have to pull it out of there when the time comes. Not quite ready myself, but getting there…

BTW, I found you on alternative. You look gorgeous! I’m not official yet, I need to create my “other” identity there.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Shining, you got through to me with your first post on this thread. It is good to see how others handle what comes their way.

My wife and I are piecing. Things are going well, and I do want us to work things out - BUT... I believe I am getting to the point where I know I will be fine either way. It looks like I am learning a lot from you all, regardless of how my situation turns out.


Me: 53, Wife: 49
Separated November 24, 2014
I think we are piecing. She wants to stay married/committed & LAT (Living Apart, Together)
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Honestly Shining - they haven't got a reason, and so they have to invent one that appears vaguely credible to them (and it is interesting that they change the reason perdiocially)

Well spotted on the stew comment - we leak meaning in ways we do not intend!!

And as for dating - so many people leap into a validating relationship (understandably - we have been pretty rudely rejected), and risk another cycle of emotional abuse and rejection.

Being alone and liking it is so important to our personal development - and yet we are judged (even here to some extent) by our relationship status. I swear I will scream at the next person who says 'Oh you will meet someone' as if that was what really mattered in life. OK end of rant for the day!

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This!
Originally Posted By: beatrice
I swear I will scream at the next person who says 'Oh you will meet someone' as if that was what really mattered in life.

I actually almost did scream… Well, I politely told my mutual friends how tired I was hearing questions “have you met somebody?” I told them that I am perfectly fine on my own.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Shining - So good to read your post. It sounds like you are doing really well. I mean none of us are wearing those rose colored glasses anymore. We are keenly aware of the struggles in life but I also feel like we are profoundly grateful for the blessings too.

Grief is not one size fits all and just when you think you are moving past it you find yourself brimming over with it.

I can't offer anything except my gratitude for your posts, your honesty and your willingness to share your journey with all of us. Until I found this board I thought I was destined to deal with this alone. I was worried I'd become bitter and angry.

Reading The Divorce Remedy opened my eyes to a new approach but dealing with MLC too has been far more than I bargained for. I needed to know others, like you, we're dealing with it too.

You've had so much on your plate but right after my BD I remember reading your posts and feeling like I wasn't going to die. I would survive.

Many, many thanks Shining.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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