Wow. Having mommy do his dirty work? That's sort of sad. :P
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
just WOW. Since he has been lying to you for years just to spare your feelings...he really is a people pleaser, to the point he has no idea who he is. And that his parents feel the need to step in, or he lets them step in shows more unhealthy, immature behavior, as you know. He is in a really bad place right now.
He knows I don't like his parents. To have them do the dirty work, is pouring the whole container of salt in the open wound.
I got a further text from his parents before I blocked them that said, "H does feel like he owes you the decency to talk to you, he's just so upset that he can't do it right now. But he knows he shouldn't lie, but he lied to keep the peace and to spare you pain."
Everything was seemingly fine until he got busted. And then it all fell apart.
It probably never was fine. He was probably people pleasing me up until the end.
But to hide behind your parents?
I seriously cannot believe my marriage is ending this way. I thought he had more common decency than that.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Look, I know you're hurt and broken hearted, and probably 10,000 other things because given all you've faced it'd be insane for you not to be.
Here's my observation...
He is unequipped and ill-skilled to make ANY adult decisions. It's not that he's a people pleaser, it's that he has no scruples and has absolutely no idea in the world who he is, what he stands for or what he wants.
Does he have a favorite color without someone telling him what it is? Has he always been like this or just recently?
The thing with a Tinder is total BS. You caught him red handed in a bold faced lie and now he's claiming "oh but I'm a people pleaser".
Give me a break. This man is so broken, Calibri. I know you love him with everything you have. I know. The reality is, he doesn't have the capacity to decide on loafers let alone what's best for his life.
When he's with you he says he wants to work on things.
When he's away from you he's signing up on a tinder.
When he's with the therapist he now needs boundaries and a mediator for any kind of communication with you.
When he's with his parents he's been lying to you about his needs because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
He can't think for himself, decide what HE wants.
This has nothing to do with whether you're meeting his needs or not, he doesn't know what his needs are because they change depending on whom he's around!!
He is in such a hole and has no idea how to get out.
The key here is how you're going to care for YOU.
I would start serious NC because contact is clearly not helping and he's using you as a crutch. He is grasping at straws to find the one person or action who is going to save him from his hell of a life but he doesn't see that only HE can do it.
Give him time to figure that out. Maybe he won't but being there to walk him through it isn't helping YOU.
Don't pursue. Don't contact. Work on you. If he contacts you, be kind but don't engage. Don't make plans. Don't visit. Seriously. It's not going to help your situation.
Calibri, this DB thing is NOT about him. It's about YOU. Where are YOU in this thing??
C, first - damn. WTF indeed. I am angry for you. Been wondering where you've been...I'm sorry to hear all you are going through.
I can't say that I know how you feel, but your H's actions remind me of a certain someone. Mine told me at one point initially while we were talking about how to behave during S, dating other people - "well, isn't that the point, getting to know other people?" He backed off of that, agreed we wouldn't tangle things, but then mentioned again what he needed in his life (not what he wants to GIVE anyone else)...the savior, the manic pixie dream girl (not his words, but my interpretation of what he told a friend - someone to help him explore his triggers, someone gentle - basically a mom/counselor to finish helping him grow up)...I am expecting my H is hiding similar dirt while claiming to figure himself out. I think, as many faults as we want to recognize in ourselves - look, you're here, you're doing the work...certain men keep looking for another relationship to supplement the one they don't have with themselves.
I am biased, typing this. But you were one of the first people I identified with on this board, and your early words meant a lot to me. I think this is b.s. This thing with his parents...so there are three people that don't have any maturity and dignity in handling this? Here's me being morally judgmental and critical, and damn it, I'm going to hold to it - good parents would tell their son to man up and communicate with his wife in a respectable manner, and refuse to get in the middle of a mess he rightfully needs to clean up and handle.
Tonight I ran into one of H's best friends, our friend, in a parking lot...and he told me this - "yeah, I heard from H, but I don't want to talk to him. He sends me stupid texts, and I'm angry at him for the stupidity he's handling all this with. There's nothing I can say to him. You are his wife, what does he think he's doing right now? He thinks he's going to do better, what is he gaining by walking away from you, his life? He's not 20 anymore. You deserve better. And I can't believe it's not you walking away." I told our friend, ok, but WAH had his reasons for giving up too, and there were two sides of this. And the look he gave me - I wish I could bottle it, put it into words, and send it to you as a gift.
So, dear Calibri - yes, I believe you also deserve better. You certainly didn't deserve to be jerked around like this after all the time and patience you've put into saving your M. I imagine you as a smart, strong sarcastic and loving woman and I hope in your future you are loved in return with the same fire. If it is a better and changed version of your H and that is what you have the will to hold out for, as you hold to your goals, you'll have the support here. But I am sure you also have support here if you can't get past this.
His actions, choices... you know they have nothing to do with you and your value as a partner. This is a reflection of who he is and his character. It says a lot to yours that you've hung in this far.
Hugs, big ones.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
He is unequipped and ill-skilled to make ANY adult decisions. It's not that he's a people pleaser, it's that he has no scruples and has absolutely no idea in the world who he is, what he stands for or what he wants.
Does he have a favorite color without someone telling him what it is? Has he always been like this or just recently?
When he's with you he says he wants to work on things.
When he's away from you he's signing up on a tinder.
When he's with the therapist he now needs boundaries and a mediator for any kind of communication with you.
When he's with his parents he's been lying to you about his needs because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
He can't think for himself, decide what HE wants.
Nicely put. Phew. I really wish we could all go have this conversation properly over some drinks.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
First of all - major kudos to you for all the work and effort you have put into this.
When I see someone like you, and read your age and the fact that you have no major entanglements (i.e. kids) - my first thought as I read the story is "Run. Seriously. Just Run". I'm a bit curmudgeonly... I'm in awe that you were willing to put in the work to try and make it better.
I know you're hurting right now. But... though, hold your head high....you deserve it.
Oh dear. This totally [censored] for you, Calibri, and I'm so sorry you are going through this. WTF are his parents thinking?
Ss's post was on the mark. Calibri (and Zelda) - I think you need to go NC and focus on you for a while. Embrace the opportunity to play by your rules and do things you love to do. The R will sort itself out in time. We'll all be ok.
Raliced - yeah, I've often wondered if people with kids think those of us without kids are a bit crazy for doing all this. I agree it will certainly be easier for us to run for the hills and not look back! But emotionally I think this experience is pretty similar for us. It's the investment in the R that is really what counts here. I've been with my H for 15 years. That's still hard to walk away from emotionally, even if it is easier from a practical standpoint.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Honey, I am so so sorry for the latest development in your sitch. Enbabling parents, uh?
An observation from my perch and please feel free to correct me if I'm way off base. It seems to me that your H is an easily impressionable person. Meaning that he absorbs whatever thoughts and ideas from others and acts them out instead of owning them as his. To me, it screams a person with low self-confidence. Right? Wrong?
Has H always been this way with his family? Throughout the M?
Also I get the sense that H desperately DOES NOT WANT to come across as the bad guy in breaking up the M hence the mental gymanstics with semantics and hair splitting comments.
