IMHO, the L's have their job to do, but I think you should only file if or when you feel emotionally ready to do that. In a way, I just see it simply, and we've probably talked about this already. If you don't want to D, don't file. As you know, you may then have to respond to your H filing, but at least you know that you did all that you could to try and save the M.
You talk about his motives, why this and why that. I suspect (particularly if he is in MLC) that he is just in the tunnel without any real plan, lost and confused. Part of him still loves you, and longs for his family. Another part knows that he became unhappy. Then OW made him feel so good, and he's infatuated. But what if she's not the answer? What if you'll never forgive him? What if she's his saviour and he loses her? I think he is probably dealing with all sorts of overlapping fears right now, and probably has no clear idea of what he's doing. He's just looking for a way of feeling better.
So, I guess what I'm saying, is I wouldn't attribute any malice or motive right now...
In terms of talking to him. Just let him know when you feel ready to do this and think about what you want to know. When my H and I had the same talk, I asked him about the A, when it started, what happened, what happened next etc. Why did he feel this happened. We spoke for about an hour, and I just took it all in. Said thank you for telling me, and we agreed to speak again in a few days. All of this was pre-DB.
Maybe have a think about what it is you want to know, and ask those questions. There is no need for you to make any sort of response. But if you feel he is giving you honest answers, you can thank him for that. One thing I read around that time was - only ask what you can handle knowing - and I bore that in mind too.
You're doing really well Pink....sending lots of hugs to you (((((PINK)))))))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm new to your story but just read through this thread.
I LOVE that you are sweet *AND* "spicy"! You have a feisty spirit, and I admire that!
I'm going to try to give you a "silver lining", okay? MWD *does*, in fact, suggest not to "snoop." I won't put words in her mouth, and I hope I'm not way off-base when saying this: But in my personal experience, the "do not snoop" rule applies mostly to the period *after you have "snooped" to confirm an A*. Once you have knowledge of the A, continued snooping is unnecessary and serves only to hurt you.
Pink, I think it's GOOD that you did what you did! Why? Because:
1. Your health is more important than your M. You need to know if your H is having an A so that you are taking no risks if you guys were being intimate.
2. (And this is the long one): As are conducted under a shroud of secrecy and RISK. They thrive mostly because the participants are facing no real-world problems or struggles or consequences for their behavior; they're living in a literal fantasy world with NO problems ... only lust and fulfillment and happy brain-chemicals. Guess what? You just took all that away! And from everything I've ever read (and I've read a lot), discovering and exposing an A tends to drastically decrease its duration. That's mainly because now, your H and OW are saddled with the fear and stress of you knowing and what you're going to do. (This would be especially nerve-racking for OW if she's M.) So all of a sudden, their secret, risky, passionate, fun rendezvous are plagued by stress and worry. In other words: Welcome to the REAL world, H and OW!!! Let's see how "perfect" OW is NOW!
Not only have I read about this being the case, Pink. I've lived it. Twice. The first time? I didn't know my H was cheating, but I had suspicions, and I felt I needed to know. I noticed a car that kept showing up at the house he was living in, practically right across the street from our marital home. (Gross, right?) I saw one day that H was home on his lunch break ... and that same car was in the driveway. (My H and I, at that point, had decided to try to reconcile.) I had a shirt to take to H, so I stopped by - despite (actually, BECAUSE OF) the "suspicious" car in the driveway. I knocked on the door but no one came. The door was unlocked and cracked open, so I allowed myself in. I walked to my H's bedroom, and his door was cracked open. I opened it and found him in bed with OW. (I was four months pregnant at the time.)
It was awful, Pink, so I can totally feel that kick-in-the-gut you felt this week (and still feel now). But my H's A only lasted one more month after that.
He cheated again last year (due to the fact that when we "pieced" our M back together the first time, we didn't do it right). But this time? Because I can smell an A from a mile away now, I confronted him without a shred of evidence in-hand - and he admitted to it - less than one month after the A had started. Once I found all I needed to confirm the A - and once H started disrespecting me to my face - I kicked him out of the house (looking back, I'm not convinced this was the best choice) and went to a L to start our D. I set some pretty firm boundaries around myself. Meanwhile, I worked on the things about me that I needed to change to make me a better person and a better spouse to him, if he came back willing to REALLY work on our M, or to another partner down the road. And I remained confident and neighborly and upbeat every time H would see me. I never, ever let him see me sweat, as HARD as that was.
His A was over about two months after I confronted him about it. And, Pink, I *did* stop snooping after I had all the information I needed because further snooping would only hurt ME.
All that to say: I think you have handled yourself brilliantly, especially in making yourself unavailable to H after catching him and while your emotions are understandably running hot. And you quite possibly just abruptly shortened the length of time your H would have spent in his A. (That is not guaranteed, of course.)
So what now?
Using my own experience: My H's As have catapulted us into a world of knowing that a good, solid, healthy, happy M takes WORK. I wouldn't wish an A on my worst enemy. But JTB is right: Affairs often lead to some of the strongest Ms out there because they're built from the ground up by two imperfect people who are committed to learning how Ms really work ... and putting all they learn into practice. They realize love is fragile and has to be nurtured. They no longer take one another for granted.
But you can't work on your M until your H ends his A for good and comes back to you, asking what it will take to get back into the M.
You don't have to think about that now. NOW is the time to work on Pink. Take some time to be angry. But let that anger catapult you into taking care of YOU. Go burn some energy in a healthy way!
I'm here in your corner and wishing you all the best!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
If we weren't able to bust our D's, at least we can rest assured that we began to take the high road. Conscience and karma will run their courses and we, the DBing LBSs will hopefully have grown spiritually, emotionally, etc. Not to wish ill on our WAW's, but they're choosing to stay stuck where they were.
Hugs and prayers to you.
Me: 39 W: 46 D: 7.5 S: 5 SD: 16 SS: 12 T: 2 (06/2012) M: 2 (12/2012) Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
H may push for D - I still need to meet with the 3rd L to check if everyone is in the same page regarding my rights on this.
urgent action Pink.
Do I just tell this to H and ask him to wait until I am done?
Pink, keep your self quiet. Do not reveal your hand especially if there are fins (financials) involved.
Do I say to him that if he is in a hurry to just file and serve me?
unless it's harmful to your fins just be passive, a passenger- H you know my view on D, if you want D I will not get in your way, but I am not going to help you.
I file for a D to protect my kids and I regarding to our finances, I should file. By 2 L opinions they say it is very important to file now. They even said that there are many clients that stop the D process or reconcile after the D, so it is not an impediment. I am not very sure. Filing for D seems so definitive and my fear kicks in.
if you have good legal advice and a second opinion, then follow the advice. Leave your short term emotional fear aside and look to the longer term fin health and wellbeing of your family unit.
When I am ready Here I have no clue.
Do I text him and say I want to talk? if you are well rehearsed and strong enough but it is probably much too soon. Let H squirm like the maggot he is behaving like.
Do I let him to call again and then agree to talk?
same answer as for you initiating. H ringing will back foot him. Start the conversation with "well, explain" and see H do the hot coal dance. Just STFU and then at the end "really?"
When I meet him, let him talk, listen, and do my best to react to what he says?
dont react, just listen, validate, "I am listening" "yes" and "that might be xyz" and then "I need to think carefully about this". If H persists in when can I have an answer? Then respond "when I have thought it through and am less emotional"
If he talks about the D, just say to him to file it and when served I will agree or contest it?
use your L take advice do what is best for you. If H asks tell him you need to seek advice before taking action.
The problem I see is that I have no idea of what is going on in his mind.
Neither has he, but he may try to bluff or charm you. Let him ponder on what is going on in yours. Your L will tell you your best course of action. let L deal with L, keep quiet about your strategy.
Is he going to try to explain anything to me?
he might, but use a very large pinch of salt. He may try to blag his way through.
or maybe he will say that he told me about the OW before and he really wants to move on and we need to settle our situation?
he could say anything, don't be surprised by anything. if you keep quiet sure as anything H will tell you too much. just let the silences sit and H will keep on talking.
I don't know what is coming, and I don't know how to prepare myself for what is coming.
I know this, dear heart and this will not be easy if you choose this route. We are here to listen to talk you through and support you and remember you are now in control.
I think I feel too much rejection and I can't even consider that the jerk has any feelings for me.
Please Pink mind reading. Observe and listen and say even less.
I feel like he is ready to wipe me off of his life for good and that he feels I am a big boulder in his shoe. Because I feel this way I feel there is no hope.
All or nothing thinking here? There are plenty of other views. Personally I think he is guilty and now his R with OW has shifted.
Why a hotel? OW may be in an R too and H may be concerned about his OW being exposures. Pink, let him work through this.
But then I remember just by Christmas when he came all love, love and told me that he was very confused and he couldn't just take me out of his life. And the love he gave me was unbelievable great. I don't even know how someone can lie so well about their feeling when you are so vulnerable.
if he is in MLC or infatuation then he is hormonally crazy.
The other part the mix my thinking is that I try to picture that maybe H said all that and has been coming and going, and does not just end all this because he wants to have a better financial outcome from when the D is final.
your L is your best guide on this. Ignore H wants and think to your own.
That he was pretending to be all friend because he wants me to be in good faith with him and facilitate it to him.
Well he blew that one out of the water Pink. Well and truly. Not a smart man. Who knows perhaps he wanted to be caught, perhaps he thought you were blind, perhaps he has pimples on his bum, or nits in his hair. that's why he jumps and scratches so much.
Will love your toughs and anyone else's opinion of what should I do next that will help to have some chance that we can still work our M.
XOXOs Pink
No doubt Pink there are a few vets who can say more. Starsky in particular is brilliant at this. 25 has had some excellent posts on the subject.
You have V take on it. V sorted her fins but kept silent on everything. So never even discussed D other than as above "will not get in your way, but will not give you any help H".
V just sees OW as the lowest of the low and will not give that sort of OW who sneaks around behind spouses any thought. They are not even the germ on the doo doo under my boot.
Rest dear one Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/22/1509:29 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Today I am attending a funeral - my manager's husband took his own life last Tuesday and I will be there to support her. She is a sweet heart that came to my office to talk to me and offer all the support she could to me.
Her husband was in a deep depression because he lost his job when he was months to retirement. Since then things went downhill and he finally did the worse.
****
I also just got the news that one of my aunts passed away last night. She was 78 years old and had a heart failure. It all goes back to my childhood and the good times we have spent together.
I will pray hard today. It's a day related to death and the message and lesson I can take from this is that life is short and we need to make the most to be happy in any situation we go by in life.
Looking life from this perspective it just makes me feel like sometimes we need to stop fighting and just let go. We need to see the horizon and believe that there is more life ahead of us and we need to make the most to live it in full. Tear, pain, hurt, resentment, hate, angriness, it all loose it's meaning when facing the last breath.
I will post later today. Nothing much about H, no contact from him. He is in his annual sales meeting activities in the mountains, and of course he is with the OW. Fortunately, I do not have time to think about this kind of person. There is more important things to think about today.
I also changed my L appointment to this afternoon. I tough I should do this sooner then later and lock on the L I want. I want to be prepared to claim all what by law are my rights.
I am still going to dance today. I feel I need to be among people, have some fun time with some friends, dance, sweat, smile for a change.
Toots, Vanilla, Train, Okjpc, thanks for your kind words. I want to get back to you regarding the above posts. I just realized that I have a lot to learn. And I want to learn. You guys bring me to whole different ball game, let's see if I can score a gol.
the message and lesson I can take from this is that life is short and we need to make the most to be happy in any situation we go by in life.
Looking life from this perspective it just makes me feel like sometimes we need to stop fighting and just let go. We need to see the horizon and believe that there is more life ahead of us and we need to make the most to live it in full. Tear, pain, hurt, resentment, hate, angriness, it all loose it's meaning when facing the last breath.
this is quite a good perspective to look at things from, but while resentment, hate and angriness lose their meaning - our tears, our pain, our hurt - they make us who we are, they show that at points in our life we cared about something and that something was special to us. I hate my situation, but there is part of me that is pleased to know that I have that love inside of me that means i can hurt.
It seems like your rollercoaster has got a bit steeper of late, but on the best rollercoasters the steepest parts are where you put you let go, put your hands in the air and enjoy the rush.
as for the legal stuff, listen to your lawyers, pick one you like, then try to put aside your hurt and then do what you feel is right.
In the meantime dancing sounds like an excellent plan
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
