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A Message from Michele
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Re: I'm just utterly gutted right now :( [Re: Frank75] #2531682
01/28/15 12:12 AM
01/28/15 12:12 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
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25yearsmlc Offline
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25yearsmlc  Offline
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Originally Posted By: Frank75
- I told her in one of the emails that i will always love her and she can't stop me from showing her that love and proving it through my actions. Probably the wrong thing to do but I couldn't help it at the time. She didn't reply anyway so i guess it doesn't matter.

I know i'm supposed to detach and gal, i know that. but when she's here and i feel her energy it's just so hard.


Newsflash....None of us found any of this easy. We all found it very HARD. Yes, as in the hardest thing any of us have ever done.

However in the long run, divorce is a lot harder. Since, chances are that doing more of the same has gotten you to this point where divorce is likely, you will need to DO different things.

We all had to do NEW SCARY things. Forgiving, and or getting way out of our comfort zones, letting go of the past, letting go of what we cannot control (huge!), meeting new people, learning patience, having to move, share our children with 3rd parties, or changing jobs, dating, learning to be alone, etc.


We ALL had a hard time. You cannot let that keep you paralyzed and assume that if something is hard, it must not be the right course of action. In fact I think it's the opposite.

I think the dilemmas we face many times, like choosing between Option A or Option B, is that we know down deep the right choice is usually the harder one.

(B/c if the easier choice were really the "right" one, we'd have seen it and done it already)>

So when in doubt, know that the correct choice is usually the "harder" one. You just do it anyhow, even when it's hard.

When you think about it, this is just part of being an adult.

Like she said the other day "this would be so much easier if you were angry"...it would be but neither of us are those kind of people. It kills me that what i did forced her to this point.


So what are you going to DO different?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: I'm just utterly gutted right now :( [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2531688
01/28/15 01:02 AM
01/28/15 01:02 AM
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 511
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nit84 Offline
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nit84  Offline
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Posts: 511
Great words 25 ^^^^^^


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
Re: I'm just utterly gutted right now :( [Re: nit84] #2531690
01/28/15 01:15 AM
01/28/15 01:15 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 66
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Frank75 Offline OP
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Frank75  Offline OP
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Posts: 66
Thanks so much 25, i needed that. You hit the nail on the head though, i've been living based on fear for years now. Fear that if i say something or do something wrong she'll leave and you are right, for just those reasons (my lack of action due to fear) she wants to leave.

And i'm scared shitless right now of losing her so it's just more of the same. Part of this fear though is how badly i handled the first separation years ago and how letting her walk away that time led to a lot of these current issues. I know i need to do things differently, i just don't know how or what to do. She wants me out of her life right now and just moving out feels totally wrong to me.

I didn't mean to make it seem like what i'm going through is any different, i apologize. I'll reply again tomorrow and address all of your points/questions when i'm not quite so emotional. Right now i need to take a breather and put my game face back on before she gets home from work.


M:39 W:35
Married: 12 years
Together: 16 years
No kids
D bomb: 1/17/15
Filed 1/29/15
Moving out 2/2015
Re: I'm just utterly gutted right now :( [Re: Frank75] #2531776
01/28/15 07:17 AM
01/28/15 07:17 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
B.C. Canada
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Karma12 Offline
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Karma12  Offline
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Posts: 557
B.C. Canada
Feel the fear and do it anyway. What is the worst case senioro. Look at that and know no matter what you will be ok. There is a book by that name too. Hint hint


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Re: I'm just utterly gutted right now :( [Re: Karma12] #2531777
01/28/15 07:18 AM
01/28/15 07:18 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
B.C. Canada
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Karma12 Offline
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Karma12  Offline
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Posts: 557
B.C. Canada
Ps sorry to hijack....25 yrs I am taking your advice and running with it


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Re: I'm just utterly gutted right now :( [Re: Frank75] #2531949
01/28/15 07:02 PM
01/28/15 07:02 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 685
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susana4 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Frank75
And i do recognize right now we're both doing the same things we did to lead us here (avoiding the subject/avoiding each other). I emailed her some thoughts the other day when she left for hotel stay #2 and she said she read them but "can't reply"....i'm not sure whether she's too emotional to reply, or doesn't want to break my heart further.

And then when she came home i wanted to try and discuss things but the fear of rejection kept me from it just because the first few convos, she was just 10000% done. So anything I bring up would obviously be aimed towards the positive and i just haven't felt like being chopped back down. I told her in one of the emails that i will always love her and she can't stop me from showing her that love and proving it through my actions. Probably the wrong thing to do but I couldn't help it at the time. She didn't reply anyway so i guess it doesn't matter.

I know i'm supposed to detach and gal, i know that. but when she's here and i feel her energy it's just so hard. Like she said the other day "this would be so much easier if you were angry"...it would be but neither of us are those kind of people. It kills me that what i did forced her to this point.


Frank, I don't think you should be writing her any more emails at this point, it will just make her feel more pursued and pressured. I know that's hard when it's so fresh, and I made the same mistake of emailing prior to finding DB, but I don't think it will help. Pursuing won't be helpful.

I know it's really hard, and it's something i'm still working on myself, but you need to forgive yourself, and your W, for your mistakes. You won't be able to be happy in yourself until you do.

About the doctor, what did you say on the phone? I'm not saying to lie or anything, but I hope you were really honest with them about your situation. Did you tell them how anxious and depressed you were feeling? Again, I'm not advocating lying, but this is a serious situation and I hope you emphasized to them how much you need help right now, and quickly. My doctor was able to shift a few things around and see me in one of their "urgent" appointments (they save a few in case of emergency) because they felt the situation was serious enough. Did you ask if they can call you in case of a cancellation?

Originally Posted By: Frank75

And i'm scared shitless right now of losing her so it's just more of the same. Part of this fear though is how badly i handled the first separation years ago and how letting her walk away that time led to a lot of these current issues. I know i need to do things differently, i just don't know how or what to do. She wants me out of her life right now and just moving out feels totally wrong to me.

Not sure if I'm understanding the previous situation correctly, but I don't know if "let her walk away" is the right thing to say. It makes it sound like you could have stopped her, which you couldn't then and you can't now. Much as we'd like to stop our spouses leaving, we can't control their actions (a lesson I'm still learning myself!).


Me 28 / H 28
M 1 / T 2.5
BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more"
Still living together, separate rooms.
Re: I'm just utterly gutted right now :( [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2531951
01/28/15 07:05 PM
01/28/15 07:05 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 685
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susana4 Offline
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

[color:#3333FF]

Wow. You do have a lot of FEARS and self created/inflicted obstacles in your life. Sense any patterns?

Do you see now, that giving power to our fears of something, can actually create the very conditions that lead to the event we fear, then happening?

By way of analogy, I've seen several spouses here who admit they were controlling and jealous and insecure. They admitted that they over reacted to things and got more controlling when their spouses balked.

Eventually, these fear laden spouses, pushed their loved ones into the arms of another.

So these people effectively caused the very event they feared. Not to mention the self fulfilling prophecies that happen too.



Wow 25, just wanted to say this was absolutely brilliant (as were your comments on making hard choices and how the hard one's usually the right one when stuck). It really resonated with me (I have a lot of fears too) and I've copied it into a 'words of wisdom' doc I'm keeping with some of the best thoughts I've picked up here. Thank you for sharing!

Also - "fury marches" made me laugh. I have done many of those walks, usually while blasting music, but I haven't called them that - but I think I will now!


Me 28 / H 28
M 1 / T 2.5
BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more"
Still living together, separate rooms.
Re: I'm just utterly gutted right now :( [Re: susana4] #2532010
01/28/15 09:35 PM
01/28/15 09:35 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 66
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Frank75 Offline OP
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Frank75  Offline OP
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Posts: 66
I appreciate the replies everyone, it means a lot to me. Sorry i can't reply back right now. Just wanted to update that i called all over and finally found a doctor to see me today. They originally couldn't get me in until next week but they must have heard the desperation in my voice and called back. I'll update tonight or tomorrow.

One day at a time.


M:39 W:35
Married: 12 years
Together: 16 years
No kids
D bomb: 1/17/15
Filed 1/29/15
Moving out 2/2015
Re: I'm just utterly gutted right now :( [Re: Frank75] #2532021
01/28/15 09:57 PM
01/28/15 09:57 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline
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Sotto  Offline
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Posts: 5,301
Hey Frank, that's good news. It's never a bad idea to sound a little desperate, when it comes to Drs appointments. Hope it goes well. Are you going to ask about IC too?


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I'm just utterly gutted right now :( [Re: Sotto] #2532070
01/29/15 12:01 AM
01/29/15 12:01 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 685
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susana4 Offline
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susana4  Offline
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Posts: 685
Frank, that's really good news, hope it goes well and they can help. Let us know what happens.


Me 28 / H 28
M 1 / T 2.5
BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more"
Still living together, separate rooms.
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