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#2528495 01/18/15 05:49 PM
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Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Hi Toots

Funny you should say that as even though my heart was pounding out of my chest and I could barely stand when I confronted her, it was a relief. At least I know. I don't want to know anymore. At least not now. Fortunately nothing I saw was to bad. No sexual imagery or words or love you's or anything like that. It was enough though that it confirmed what in my heart I already knew. At least I can try and manage the thoughts running through my mind.
As far as next 2 months we have agreed not to talk about it. It does amaze me though how annoyed she is about what I have done. She even asked me if anyone was at our house last night (I was here on my own) I was like what? No of course not. She blurts out she not bothered but I can see she is furious with jealously. She even went as far as to ring one of our mutual friends to find out who this woman is even though I have never spoken or seen her since. Its like what she is doing doesn't matter but my one indiscretion makes us even ?? I doubt she has told this mutual friend she has been having an affair for at least 6 months


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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As far as the affair itself , I cant see it stopping any time soon. I understand what you are saying though. I have read lots on it over the last 2 days and it does seem a large part is the actual thrill of sneaking around and lying whilst getting away with it. They were carless though. I look after their IT system and it didn't take too much to work out that things weren't right.
The big negative is that they own a business together. She has made it pretty clear she does not want to give that up.
Even If she said it was over I would not believe her whilst they work together. It is a definite no no.
As far as him. He's not really her type. 13 years older, smokes, drinks and physically nothing she would look at twice if she didn't know him. The problem is she is emotionally vulnerable and he obviously lonely having just divorced. They both fill a void for ach other.
Will reality kick in at some point? I'm sure it will. As for me, I just need to get out, be the best dad I can and see what happens. Im not waiting around though whilst she is involved with him.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Joined: Oct 2014
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Back under same roof since her affair and my one night stand exposed 2 days ago. We have been civil and friendly with each other. Im sleeping on the couch. I couldn't bare to be in same bed as her at the moment and I think the feeling is mutual


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Ok
Just about to go to sleep and had a message from wife who is in bed in room above me. Checking a time for an eye test she has booked. A little strange to be sending just as we're about to go to sleep. Surely that could have waited till tomorrow??

I replied with just ok thanks. To the point but friendly.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Was doing ok earlier but now empty feeling creeping in. Putting it down to the fact im very tired as i didnt get much sleep.
I havent heard anything from my wife today. Makes it a bit easier.
Spoke to one of my friends at work this morning about the whole situation over weekend. Was good to talk it over again. Amazing when you read other posts and it is so similar to mine. Realisation is that I have been doing stuff for the last 6 months to try and impress her. Not for me. She has lapped this up. She loves her family life and i was filling that making extra effort to be nice. On the same hand she was getting her emotional needs met from having a secret affair. The secret is out now and i wont be taking any more or going out of my way to accomodate it. I have now pulled right back and need to concentrate on me. Just need to bare it for another 2 months till i can move out and detach properly. I feel so guilty about my daughter though. She has no idea. She is still talking about us all going on holiday. Makes me feel sick when she talks like that. I can hardly bare it.
Small plus point is she didnt go to London as she was planning to do with OM. Im sure she will be thinking twice about sneaking around. Theyll be hard times ahead when she says she has to be away for a meeting but ill just have to deal with it. Theyre affair is not going to stop. It just may be put on backburner until I move and she has space to do what ever she wants.

Last edited by SRD; 01/19/15 02:09 PM.

Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Oh

she spent all afternoon and evening yeserday with her best friend. I wonder if she has now been filled in with the details. Seeing texts that they had been sending each other before i found out I dont think she knew. But i dont know. women do talk. I hope i am not being painted as the only bad guy in all this.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Can anyone tell me please why my wife is so annoyed at me as well?
Is it because i have discovered her affair or the fact that I also admitted to twice being unfaithfal? She looks at me with hate in her eyes.
I know she is fuming that I have also strayed a few years ago even though i didnt have sex with the other people.
I remember before we got married i told her that my mates had got me a stripper on my stag do. It was the same look in her eyes. Absolute rage and hate against me. Its almost as if what she is doing doesnt matter any more.

Last edited by SRD; 01/19/15 02:30 PM.

Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Jun 2007
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So you are just now revealing your two times to her? Are there any more surprises?

Quote:
I remember before we got married i told her that my mates had got me a stripper on my stag do. It was the same look in her eyes.


How would you have felt if she had had male strippers? I hear it can get pretty raunchy. Did you kick the strippers out, or go along with things......b/c of your buddies? That is what she was thinking about.

And you want to know why she is annoyed? For starters, I would say a little thing like a double standard.

She has been hit with this news of you being unfaithful more than once, and you wonder why she's annoyed? What did you expect? Since she was in an A, it canceled out your own....or somehow made you even with each other? It doesn't, and you kept it hidden all this time. You tried the begging & crying and when that didn't work you thought that was your ace card? If you confess your A's then she would see that both of you had made mistakes and she would be ready to relent? Oh man, were you wrong.

She has cheated, yes. But it doesn't mean she will be any more cool with you cheating on her. Just as you aren't cool with what she's doing. The fact your unfaithfulness may not have been to the degree hers has been, or that it was in the past, makes no difference with her. To her, it might as well happened yesterday. And if you had not confronted her about her A, you probably would never had admitted your own transgressions. She needs time to be angry about your conduct. She needs time to look at this whole situation with this new information. She hasn't digested it.

So, you need to stay away from her. Leave her alone. She feels you have no right to judge her, ask or expect anything from her, or have any truth or accountability from her. She feels she owes you nothing right now. Only space and time, for her to be able to think this out more clearly, can work in your favor. And if she does end the A and decides she wants to work on the M, you had better get both of you into some serious MC to address these issues and how to prevent it happening again.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hey Sandi

I complexly agree. I'm not proud of what I did but I did what I did and have to live with that. As far as double standard I can accept that. This is not an excuse but just an explanation. We were already in trouble when this happened, Intimacy in our marriage was dwindling and I didn't know why nor had the skills to find out. The events happened on nights out when I was very drunk and I was the one pursued. I was weak and gave in. The only positive I can take is that I felt so guilty I couldn't go through with it. Again this is not an excuse as there isn't one just an explanation.

As far as the strippers. This was innocent. There was nothing in it at all. It wasnt something enjoyable but embarrassing. Did I say no? No, I just went along with it to be "one of the boys" Have I ever had that again? No. Again this is not an excuse. To be fair I did tell her about the strippers straight away. My wife is no wall flower when it comes to that sort of thing either.

Your right i wouldnt have admitted it had i not found out.
Begging and crying first ? No. I found out asked her, she admitted and said something aong the lines of "well i have no idea what you have done either" so i just admitted it.

Im not judging anything. I think we have both made some very bad choices. We live under the same roof for the moment so we have agreed no more talk about it and just be friendly so as not to upset our daughter.

As far as reconcilliation. It is looking highly unliekly that is going to happen. The man she is having an affair with is her business partner so not as easy as just to end it. Im of the mindset now to detach work on me and be the best dad i can be.

As far as more surprises, there are none from my side. Im not convinced on her time line of her affair though. Red flags suggest it has been going on much longer. They my have only been physical 6 months or so ago but she has been involved with him for much longer im pretty sure of that.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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