It does make complete sense. I'm having a bad day. I am feeling so sad and confused on what to do.
I just want to start over I want everything to be okay and I want him to be who he was when he came back.
I need to pick myself up. I'm home with the boys now and they are outside jumping on the trampoline and Im just sitting outside watching them. Wondering wtf is going on with my life.
I feel like I'm at the point right now of saying are you in this or not. I just want a damn answer. I am so sick of I don't know. I feel like I'm in limbo.
I know everyone says patience but damn ... I took him back and now he's not keeping his promises. I want my M but I am done feeling like this.
He either wants this M or he doesn't. Either fight for us or get out.
I'm having a bad day. I am feeling so sad and confused on what to do.
I just want to start over I want everything to be okay and I want him to be who he was when he came back.
I need to pick myself up. I'm home with the boys now and they are outside jumping on the trampoline and Im just sitting outside watching them. Wondering wtf is going on with my life.
I feel like I'm at the point right now of saying are you in this or not. I just want a damn answer. I am so sick of I don't know. I feel like I'm in limbo.
I know everyone says patience but damn ... I took him back and now he's not keeping his promises. I want my M but I am done feeling like this.
He either wants this M or he doesn't. Either fight for us or get out.
TO,
Right now, you need to just stop. Take a breather.
I can tell you that if you push this issue, you will probably get an answer from your H that you do NOT want.
There is a saying in the MLC forum (which is my home), that says you can't unring the bell once it's been rung.
One of the things that I learned from DB, maybe more from these forums than the book, was the difference between acting and REACTING.
Action is based in logic and thought.
Reaction is based in emotion.
If you act based on how you are feeling right now, you will be reacting out of fear. And what did Mach tell you about fear earlier today?
I was drawn to your thread because I was asked to look at another poster. I have spent the last two days catching up on your situation.
If you really want to save your marriage, you NEED to slow down and breathe.
You didn't get here overnight (although I know it feels that way) and you won't leave here overnight either.
So, can you slow down and give this the time that it needs and deserves or are you ready to throw in the towel?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I think I've told you before that some of the things you write, I could have written myself last year. So, yeah, I get the impatience. I get the desire to have answers ... NOW.
But that's YOU. And your H isn't "there" right now. And, unfortunately, you can't control him.
Seems to me you don't have many options. You know you have to focus on you. That's a given. You can either do it while H is around. Or you can kick him out and do it when you're by yourself.
Fact is: it doesn't matter whether he's there or not. The work is the same.
So, which would be better for YOU? Him being there? Or him being gone?
And the truth is: You could TELL him to leave. And he could say no. Then what?
The reason you're sad and upset is because of FEAR ... and because you're still thinking that the work you're doing - and the work ahead - is being done to bring about a result in your H or your M (and you're not currently seeing ANY results, good or bad). I think you're looking for a quick fix or for your actions (or words) to rattle something in your H ... to force him into action ... or to bring about an improvement ... or to get him at least TALKING to you ... ANYTHING. (But do you hear what's going on there? Pretty much everything you're considering doing or saying is all to get something from your H. That means you're still wayyy wrapped-up in him and in being able to control him instead of controlling *yourself* and doing things for *yourself*.)
Expectations: no bueno.
You're fearful and impatient. I get that. But pushing/stressing/grasping is not going to help things. It isn't going to hurry things along. Quite the contrary. It'll stand in the way. (Think of the push/pull dynamic. It's REAL. You push, and he pulls back. You pull back, and he moves forward. You've SEEN this happen with your very eyes. Trust it now. It's the same as it always was. People change. But those dynamics don't.)
Vent here all you want. We hear you. And we're here for you.
Do not rattle yourself, though, T. Give yourself a week - at least - to do absolutely (get this:) NOTHING. Make no decisions. This thing isn't going to work itself out overnight. Your M isn't going to be over overnight. Just sit for a bit. Re-group. Re-center. And do absolutely NOTHING until you figure out what you need to do for your very own life.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
T0, read what cat and I just pretty-much cross-posted: Practically the very same message. That happened with 25 and me last night. You know what that tells ME?
This is like that pebble story: You have the pebble pressed against your nose, so close to your eyes that you can't even see it. But we are all seeing it on the ground. That's because we're on the outside, seeing things as they are. When two or more people are telling you the very same thing, you can take it to the bank, sista.
Breathe.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
You guys are all exactly right. I know I need to breathe and chill out which is exactly why I post here first because if not I'm afraid I may call H and say something I will regret.
I did send a text earlier today. I was feeling happy and figured you know what I love him we can figure this out. Everything will work out for us together. Ugh!
Me : hey H, hope you're having a good day H: thank you, I hope you are too.
I didn't say anything further.
I'm planning on being gone when he gets home. I'll probably send him a courtesy text saying the boys and I are at X we will be home later.
I know this isn't going to fix itself over night and I am being impatient. I just want to know he's going to try. But that's his choice. I have to let go of that. I will do nothing for a week. It's going to be a long week. I have always struggled with friendly and as if vs ignoring. I never quite got it all the way.
I've been these last couple weeks being quiet, no texting (unless it's a response).
I know what fear is driving me ... I pick up on every little thing. He doesn't call me babe anymore if we do talk on the phone. He still doesn't touch me. His kids goodnight feels forced etc etc. And the biggest fear.... Back in Feb of last year a couple weeks after BD... We went to MC together - where he didn't say he wanted D but said he felt like we were going in different directions. We were supposed to go back in a week. He wouldn't go. Instead made an appointment for himself.
This is driving me crazy because he didn't say he wanted a D in Mc last week but said he didn't know what he wants and made an appointment for himself. I just feel like I'm reliving last year
I am sorry I sound so weak. I am working on getting ahold of myself
TO: I just wanted to chime in that I am going to ride this week with you....You and me, together.
I too am impatient and fearful. I too love my H. I too think we can work it out.
I am in the situation that I am applying the advice Train and Cat gave you to myself. I also need to chill out. Some days I see results and then days go by with nothing. I pushed R talks and it went badly. I am reliving situation from 2003 and 2008 so I know you and I both know what it feels like and that brings on more fear and mind reading.
Me : hey H, hope you're having a good day H: thank you, I hope you are too.
THIS is a positive. Now let it ride. Don't let this give you permission to do it again soon. Or to open up a little more than usual. Just ride on this little positive for a while.
Hey, happy and gogofo! I have always learned SO much by reading others' posts. I'm so glad to know my ramblings can help others from time to time, too!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
That's exactly why I didn't push the conversation any further Train and plan on taking the boys out to do something fun tonight.
Happy feel free to come here and melt with me. Between this situation and this damn diet I am starting I am bound to be a hot mess but it's a guaranteed laugh around here lol
Train - I just want you to know I hear you and I appreciate you. You guide me and I am so thankful for it. I may sound like a mess but I do hear and listen to what you say.
