or CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly!
Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching DISCOUNT
SAVE$30 -- 3-SESSIONS for ONLY $360
- valid until September 30

CALL 303-444-7004
or to order online at the Divorce Busting Store
use code SAVE$30

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: T384] #2527628
01/16/15 12:57 AM
01/16/15 12:57 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 288
J
JCred Offline
Member
JCred  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 288
Quote:
Just looking for advice on how to approach the issue of him not texting me at all. We don't talk at all lately... Do I reach out and try to talk or just be silent and let him do his own thing?


I think things are looking good.
Let me use an analogy I have heard that I thought was good.

Do this...(actually do this exercise while you read this..)

Take your forefinger from each hand and raise them up in front of you. Put them touching together. Ok. One of them is you and one of them is him. When they both are touching that symbolizes where the center of the relationship is. Things are good. Both giving and receiving and working together...

Now let's say he is the finger on your right hand and you are the finger on your left hand...

Keep your left finger (you) exactly where it is and move your right finger (him) about 3 inches to the right farther away from your left finger (you)(keep your left finger in center where you started which is the center of the relationship.

Now if you move your left finger (you and the center of the relationship) over to the right finger (him) and touch them together again something has happened.

To get a little space again the right finger (him) has to move away even more to get some space. Now look how far from the original center of the relationship both fingers are. How do you get back to center this way? If you keep moving toward him he keeps moving further away from center and so do you.

Now go back with both fingers together and start over.
Move the right finger away again and leave you in the middle.

Now instead of moving the left finger (you) toward the right finger (him) move it the opposite way about the same distance from center as he is. Both fingers should be about 3 inches from the center, which is the center of the relationship.

Now to move back to center what needs to happen?
Both of you need to move back toward each other.

He can't get back to center unless he moves toward you.

When he moves back to center, you move back to center.....

Get it?

Move away right now just about the same amount he is moved away and wait. Wait for him to move back to center. Then you can move back.

I think he needs some space here. I suggest you give him just the amount of space as you feel he is from center...

Where do you think his finger is right now? (and don't tell me he is giving you the middle finger.) grin

Be in tune. Observe. Wait if necessary until he moves his finger back toward you. If he only moves it 1 inch back toward center. Move yours 1 inch......

You do not have to leave the relationship. (cut your finger off) Just be silent like he is being and wait for him to talk about something. He will. We just don't know exactly when. Wait it out for now. Just slightly quiet.

Hope this helps...


Justin Credible
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: JCred] #2527632
01/16/15 01:04 AM
01/16/15 01:04 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
T
T384 Offline OP
Member
T384  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
It does help

But it's hard to know we have things we need to discuss... Is he back at ex boss, is he there this week? Why is he late? Is he at his current job or ex boss's or somewhere else?

I'm fine with not talking to him at all during the day. Although I do miss his daily good morning I love you how's your day texts.

It's just I feel like at some point we need to address some stuff. Basically I just want to know if he's at ex boss's.

I'm going to try to continue to STFU

Onward!


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: T384] #2527639
01/16/15 01:20 AM
01/16/15 01:20 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 288
J
JCred Offline
Member
JCred  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 288
I hear you and feel for you.
I want more than anything to tell you to go ahead and talk to him. I feel for you and think you are one fantastic woman. I really do.

I still remember you saying that you just wanted to be everything for him. My wife told me that once and I never forgot. It really hit me that she WAS ALL IN.. Heart, mind and soul...

I get quiet sometimes. She is a bright woman. Very in tune with me. Loves to make me happy. Just like you do your huband.
If I get quiet sometimes she wonders if she did something to make me mad. (I get quiet when I am mad too)(how's that for putting her under pressure to know what to do?)

She just moves back SLIGHTLY and does her own thing. It is amazing how I will then say something....THEN she will say..
You seemed quiet and lets me answer..

It wasn't you honey.(I have had to learn to tell her that so that she doesn't feel like it was her fault) I just am tired.. (heard that one T?)

She has STUDIED me to be in tune.. Figure him out. Figure out what works. Get in tune.


Justin Credible
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: JCred] #2527662
01/16/15 01:57 AM
01/16/15 01:57 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
T
T384 Offline OP
Member
T384  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
Thanks..

I really don't know what works right now. He's said himself when I push it makes him feel like I'm
Nagging. However now that I've backed off he hasn't moved in my direction. I get a forced peck on the lips and a goodnight I love you and he's off to bed by 9. Which before he was sleeping on the couch staying up all night. Neither of us has initiated sex in 2 weeks (a long time for us) I was the one who tried last time and was told he was too tired.

I haven't tried since.

Part of me wonders if I should pursue and just send him a I hope you're having a good day text and the other part of me just wants to go back to what I did over the summer of ignore and GAL without him. The big difference is we're living under the same roof now.

It's just so confusing. Me backing off for the last 2 weeks hasn't brought him any closer. But me telling him what I needed didn't either.

He did say toMC last night that it bothers him that everyday he comes home he gives me a kiss and asks about my day (on the days I'm home) and that the days I work I never kiss him I just say hello and 'walk right by him'

I have no excuse for that.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: T384] #2527665
01/16/15 02:03 AM
01/16/15 02:03 AM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,901
Piney Land
R
Rick1963 Offline
Member
Rick1963  Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,901
Piney Land
TO , Mr incredible aka Jcred is obsessed with you. Please be careful. A 60 y/o man who is happily married and has no need to be here to save a marriage concerns me. He is perfect....Just my 2 cents.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: T384] #2527666
01/16/15 02:05 AM
01/16/15 02:05 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 288
J
JCred Offline
Member
JCred  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 288
Quote:
Part of me wonders if I should pursue and just send him a I hope you're having a good day text

t
I don't think that would hurt. Go ahead and just monitor the results.


Justin Credible
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: Rick1963] #2527685
01/16/15 03:11 AM
01/16/15 03:11 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Train Offline
Member
Train  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T0,

I think texting H a "good morning" or "have a great day" message is perfectly fine and even a good idea. If you have no expectations about it - as in, you won't fall to pieces if he doesn't reciprocate - then this practice (once in a while, especially while H is home and not, to your knowledge, in an active A) is a good-faith effort on your part to be friendly (albeit a tad more-than-neighborly) even when you're getting the cold shoulder. It also is an ACTION that will be good practice for YOU to bust through your own awkward feelings and to try to stay light and breezy toward H. In other words, it'll help keep you from showing your true negative feelings. Grace under fire. Again. wink

Like JCred said: maybe try it for a couple weeks and monitor results. If it doesn't help after you are consistent, switch it up.

Meanwhile, sweet girl, what are you doing for YOU? If your H isn't telling you his whereabouts and is coming home whenever, you really need to get out of the house some yourself. I know your work schedule is brutal. But a night out should be on tap really, really soon. A walk. A new outfit. Some new make-up. A new body spray/perfume. Don't you need a manicure or something? A new hair-cut or color? Some new lingerie that you - whoops - accidentally walk out of the bathroom in (in front of H) after a long, hot shower and a spray of that new fragrance??

Please go get your groove back. For YOU. Those changes are supposed to be forever. Forever. Not just to win back H. And you KNOW how much better you'll start feeling about yourself. It will help so much. This isn't to get back at H or to make him take notice. This is to help YOU. And usually? He's gonna notice. But that's an unintended "benefit."


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: Train] #2527688
01/16/15 03:25 AM
01/16/15 03:25 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Train Offline
Member
Train  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
Basically - and even though we have a bad taste in our mouths about OW - I'm suggesting that in your mind, you become sorta an "OW" to H: Seductive but not available. Confident. Your best you. Flirty at times. But unavailable. Mysterious. And did I mention largely unavailable?? wink

Wonka gave me that advice once when H was still in an active A: "Be the OW to the OW." And, wowza! It WORKED! My H couldn't keep his chin off the floor. But it's because I was happy, friendly, light, breezy, seductive - but not for HIM!! In fact, I was unavailable to him. This is what H said "did it" for him.

Reclaim that beautiful girl power. I know your H may not be in an A again. But THOSE sorts of rules are the same. If you can, re-read (or at least thoroughly skim) DR with a pair of "non-A-tainted" eyeballs. MWD's advice is MOSTLY for people in a sitch like yours NOW (no A). At the top of her list: no R talks. Now is NOT the time for discussions, IMO. Your M is simply too fragile. And H is pulling away.

No R talks. If you are thinking of YOU right now, then there's nothing H has that you're depending on to move forward in life. Nothing to be discussed right now. Don't drag yourself down with that stuff. Not right now.

Okay. That's all I got for now. xo


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: Train] #2527689
01/16/15 03:27 AM
01/16/15 03:27 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
C
claire7 Offline
Member
claire7  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
^^Train is on the money!

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this T0. Your H sounds like he is in a bad place. But you can get your mojo back!


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Re: T0324 part 3 [Re: claire7] #2527696
01/16/15 03:45 AM
01/16/15 03:45 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
T
T384 Offline OP
Member
T384  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
Train - done and done!!!

I actually am meeting a girlfriend after dropping S at school. She is doing my hair at her salon later in the day (I usually go once a month so it's not anything new) and we are working out. We are starting some fad shake diet (eh whatever I'll give it 30 days)

Saturday night I am having a girls night with all my girlfriends from high school. I've made child care arrangements in the event H is unavailable. Planning on just saying I'm going out with friends and leaving it at that - in a new outfit and heels of course wink

I remember what worked over summer - I remember what he told me worked -- seeing me dolled up wondering where i was going. I do have to play my cards a tad different because I don't want him to think I am playing games or make him feel like there is OM. So I have play my cards very carefully. I don't want to push him away I want to bring him closer so I'm trying to figure out how to perfect that tactic.

I almost feel that he is so distanced and far away that he won't really care that im going out or will be mad. Before BD last year I would go out once a month with girlfriends. During Bd he told me how much he hated when I did that. That he felt it was irresponsible for me to be out drinking with all single women and hanging out downtown until 1 am and then driving my long commute home.

Saturday will be dinner and drinks at a local beach bar after. Probably not too late. Maybe that will be a fair balance.

And geez sorry to be tmi but when can we have sex again?!

Last edited by T0324; 01/16/15 03:48 AM.

M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004