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Much better HP.

I get the kids sadness and questions too. I choose not to bring that up to the XW or if she brings it up just vague " they're sad about stuff". I choose this route as I can see her believing I'm manipulating the kids to guilt her. I see it as her relationship is hers w/them. They ask me things cause they don't fear my reaction and they know I didn't want this.

I know it's hard but we all expect a lot out of you cause we know u can do it!

Last edited by bravo61; 01/17/15 06:20 AM.

M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

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HP

Your S12 is in limbo land. Clearly W is not in a good place and her aunts is chaotic and this reflects to a sensitive child.

Your IC will help you build S12 and guide you with his confidence. None of this unhappiness is s12 fault at all but it's possible that if s12 thought s12 was better that this would not have happened. Children have strange connections that adults would seem to think impossible. IC will help you.

W is clever taking s12 somewhere to a different environment will be exciting and away from the pressures of aunts. Aunt sounds amazing to take in W and have S to stay especially with a small baby. Not ideal but stability anyway that is something to be thankful for W and S12 are with family.

If you come from a place of love, then there will be no anger, anger is absent from a loving heart. A loving heart is always a good place to start. Warmth and the higher ground is important. I see Sandi and 25 as in the same place with different views. Firm on boundary infringements and warm on interactions. Cut short the spew and arguments, reward the positives.

HP your posts track your journey, no difficulty in seeing the changes for the good. There is more to come.
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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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HPoirot Offline OP
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Hey thank you vasapro, bravo, and Vanilla for your kind words of support. I do feel like I'm making progress being a more authentic happy person for myself and my son. I've always been optomistic but I do take things hard and do tend to get in ruts. I see this in my son now with his bouts of sadness and I'm determined to help him.

On that note... the antidepressants seem to be working now. Over the past few days... I've been feeling a small but growing strange happiness. Sometimes almost excitement. Yesterday I caught myself dancing in the elevator to a song I was playing in my head. I went to bed last light laughing to myself about something. I answered all of W calls yesterday with calmness and no irritation. I walk with poise and purpose.

I'm getting very sleepy at points during the day though. So sleepy I feel forced to take as much as 2 naps a day. And they're extremely heavy naps. I wake up from them terribly groggy. That and I'm eating more and putting on weight. My motivation is not high... but not as low as it has been.

So I feel this was a good thing. I'm looking forward to feeling even better and stronger and less irritated with my W's behavior...

Like her texting me awake after midnight last night just to tell me to switch calendars and to ask how S12 was.

Or quickly walking away from me and S12 after we parked next to her in the gym parking lot before his game.

I was told to not be surprised or upset by things my W will do these days. I'm getting better at that.

And I have to remember her life is difficult right now. She said they we're struggling at her aunt's house. She said her money is not good. It's still a month until she moves to her apartment. And the IRS should start taking money from her paycheck next month.

I'm sure she'll be fine. She has some great business opportunities which, if they happen, would be fantastic for all of us.

So, I'm staying out of the way.

She just called to say she's here to pick up S12. She sounds irritable. Gave him a hug and sent him downstairs. Now he can't find his hat. She sends him back upstairs to find it. Now she texts and calls me sounding even more short irritable. She has a hat in the car. He found his hat upstairs. Now he's gone again. Nice.

I really hope they have a good time.

But, then again... no expectations.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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Are you groggy because you are eating lots of carbs? Simple sugars and starches may be playing havoc with blood sugar. It's a simple test, diabetes is easy to spot as is its precursor metabolic syndrome. BTW I am diabetic, I have a genetic version and am type 2 eventually type 1 I suppose. So I live on protein and veg mainly.

Worthwhile peeing on a stick to find out, HP I don't like the sound of the napping and weight gain because it's out of pattern for you and the things you write, I am concerned for you. please if you haven't already get it checked and know your numbers.

Glad to hear the ADs are helping you. Are these ADs contraindicated for blood sugar?

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 01/17/15 03:40 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I agree with vanilla. I was on AD for a few years and my blood sugar would get out of whack a lot. I am not diabetic but my brother is type I and I am pretty well educated on the topic. The AD also made me sleepy. I weaned myself off the AD and my blood sugar squared away and I rarely nap now.
You might try some vitamin B, or bee pollen. Check with a supplement expert.


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Hello Vanilla. Thank you for that valuable information.

I just read up on the AD I'm on, Lexapro. Some do report sleepiness and weight gain.

I was already gaining weight after I got to the condo. I was down to 173 lbs from 190 lbs at BD so I'm not worried about the weight gain. I am eating more junk food/sodas. There's a very attractive candy/soda machine in this building. I just have to get back on my eating discipline there.

I think it's a matter of me just getting back in motion. I used to run at least 7 miles a day before BD.

I think the positives are far outweighing the benefits so far. I do have a Dr. appointment coming up soon so I will follow up on these things.

Thanks again.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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"I have Courageous rented and will watch it tonight."

Did you?


M- 48
XW- mentally 17
KIDS- 3- S19, D23, D28
Married- 17 years
Divorce final- 10/16/09

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Quote:
I said we're fine... we're almost home. She said ok... she would not call him. I said OK. I hung up.


We have to work on you understanding that the word should be he, not we. Quit trying to lump it together. Focus on your S12 and stop adding yourself in to stuff she didn't ask you about. Your response here makes this:

Quote:
I let that slide right off me. No reaction from me.


Seem like dishonesty. If it had rolled right off of you your focus would be on your son and not yourself.

Quote:
we have a lot to be grateful for... we love his mom... we'll be OK.



Dude, really???? This is beyond wrong. Quit incorporating your son and you into one. This should have been about him not you. He has a lot to be grateful for and his mom loves him and he will be ok.

HP, I am simply going to say that I understand all of this is difficult and you feel like you are hanging by a thread. But, you have to really look at your responsibilities as a parent here and stop making the situation about us and we with your S12. Understand that the psychological damage that this causes is tremendous. You will make him feel that if you and your WAW don't get back together that he had something to do with it. He's also 12 and not 4 so understand that he knows a lot more than you are giving him credit for.

Stop engaging her, she knows son is pissed, don't keep explaining it to her. Let her get that from him and not you. I can promise you this, if you two divorce you will no longer be the buffer between yourself and your WAW. She will have a separate relationship with him that you need to stay out of.

I get it that you feel like if you act like your a family maybe she will want that and come back, but that doesn't work. What that does is increase her guilt and anger and make her feel like it is not recoverable. Be independent, be strong for your son, and be ok no matter the outcome. This is what will show her that recovery is possible. Being a man and father whether she is there or not is what will sell you as a partner in marriage.

Your job first and foremost is S12, please remember that and please stop engaging the we/us behaviors. I promise you it leads down a road that you will not like the results of. For you, or for S12, the road you are taking sets both of you up to be let down and angry. Focus on what you can control not on what you cannot.

I am not sure if you understand what a "Circle of influence" is but you should look it up. Make a list of what exists within that circle for you and stick to that. Stay away from things that do not fall within your ability to control or influence.


Ian


M- 48
XW- mentally 17
KIDS- 3- S19, D23, D28
Married- 17 years
Divorce final- 10/16/09

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HP,

I noticed a few things below, including pieces that accurately describe what you do and what you must stop doing.


Originally Posted By: HPoirot
[quote=sofaraway]
-

S12 is old enough to have conversations with his mother without you in earshot. Let them have their conversations privately and only get involved if S12 comes to you because he needs your help in it. It tends to come off as manipulative listening to and quoting your sons back and forth with his mom.

You do not have to give her road maps to your reactions and behaviors. She doesn't need to know you are going to limit your talking to her. She will figure that out.




Yes I must stay out of S12's conversations with his mom. I do tell W about the struggles S12 has b/c I want her to see the impact of what she's doing. I see that is manipulation from me and pressure on him.

It's totally your manipulation here. 100%.


Even though I say I'm moving on and want to... I am stuck on the wanting our R to renew. So I did get sucked into those 2 R talks were I was still trying to talk logic to her and tell her my side. She strangely (to me) seems happy to have these talks which wrongly opens me up to hope that we can talk this through. so I just keep talking without thinking which is very bad.

Not saying "it's very bad", but it is ineffective.

Div Busting is about effective behaviors that help you achieve your goals.

And sometimes the behavior IS the goal.


Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 01/17/15 08:36 PM.

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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If guilt were an effective tool, she'd by home by now.

Usually, (no, not "ALWAYS" - but way more often than not)

Guilt converts into anger or blame at the person "causing" the guilt, which would be you.

Even when a WAS is angry at themselves, that does not equate with a return to the spouse. They may believe the combination of you and them is the problem.

OR they may feel yes, THEY "blew it and there's no coming back from that now"...so they don't even bother trying.

AND OR they tell themselves,

"he'll make me climb Mt Everest to come back and then he'll throw me off!" B/c they either don't want to have to humble themselves anyhow,

and or, they really do believe it's a pointless endeavor b/c in the end, you won't be happy anyhow, and neither will they. If no changes are demonstrated in the home life, the marriage they left, then why on earth would they return, regardless of OM/OW?

No WAS returns to a marriage they left, ever.......unless they come to believe

the marriage can be different/better than before.


Ian is spot on when he says that the more you make these situations hard for her, the harder it would be for her to return. Some of your behaviors are doing the opposite of what seems to be your goal.

Punishing her does nothing for YOU, except some small (and that's the word; "small") victory of the moment.

Some folks don't understand what my DB coach meant, when she said to

"Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth."


That ^^ has never meant, "become a doormat".
Do not misinterpret it.

In your situation, making every single problem your son has, hers, or every problem he has, yours, or "ours", isn't fair to anyone,

and it isn't accurate and it most certainly does not help anyone or anything to change.

Get back to some DB basics.

GAL - helps you to Detach, which you must do soon...

and a part of that detachment is to separate yourself from HIM and your wife.

Detachment is key to healing and healing is key to having some form of relationship with your wife, whatever that ends up being.

Yes, you two should be able to discuss your son as adults with his best interests at heart. When you start believing that she wants that, even if she's not married to you, that will help all parties.

Right now, that feels like a "reward" to her, in your eyes. I don't agree, but that's not relevant.

And that's -again-you making her relationship with your son, about how YOU feel. I hope that changes very very soon.

At some point you two will need to communicate much better than you do now.

That's on you, b/c you are the one who can't handle it at this point. Do you see that?

NO, I'm not referring to when she spews; of course that must stop then & there.

I'm talking about when she's "normal" or kind to you, & you can't handle that either.

So that will need to change for you two to begin -- whatever you begin...

which is not going to happen today.


So, what DB basic can you do, today?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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