CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 10 1 2 3 4 9 10
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: Barry] #2526904
01/14/15 04:40 PM
01/14/15 04:40 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,046
S
sandi2 Offline
Member
sandi2  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,046
Quote:
I'm 99.999% sure that she hasn't cheated (I know that every mug that's ever been cheated on says that but she really isn't that sort of person).


Neither was I that sort of person.

If she hasn't already cheated, she has her eye on the next guy.

Look, it is great to think in the positive, but you need to be realistic, too. You keep saying you are doing all this work on yourself for YOU, but if you discovered today that she had OM, would you feel the same way? Just be prepared, is all I'm saying. Getting in shape, etc., is great, but seldom impresses a WAW to change her mind. So I really hope it is for you and not her.
One way to know is when you want to meet up with her so she'll notice your changes. wink

Signed by,

Sandi
Former Cheater


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: sandi2] #2526918
01/14/15 05:00 PM
01/14/15 05:00 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 519
T
Tarheel Offline
Member
Tarheel  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 519
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
I'm 99.999% sure that she hasn't cheated (I know that every mug that's ever been cheated on says that but she really isn't that sort of person).


Neither was I that sort of person.

If she hasn't already cheated, she has her eye on the next guy.


Barry, I seem to recall posting almost that exact same thing when I first posted my story (and Sandi probably responded in that same way). Long story short- I was wrong about what kind of person I 'thought' W was. I don't say that to bring you down, just be prepared.


Me: 39 W: 36
M: 16 years
3 Kids- S16, S13, D12
1st BD- 2/2013 / 2nd BD- 9/25/2013
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: Tarheel] #2526922
01/14/15 05:10 PM
01/14/15 05:10 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
jim0987 Offline
Member
jim0987  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
Barry.

Hate to say it but because my wife didn't want to be that person she waited a whole week after BD. Several OM since then.

Once she said she didn't want to be together she in her mind freed herself if her vows - she doesn't think its cheating.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: theoden] #2527130
01/15/15 12:17 AM
01/15/15 12:17 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
B
Barry Offline OP
Member
Barry  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
Hi Theoden

I can see your views on my moving out are quite strong. There's nothing wrong with that, and I thank you for your input. Don't think I'm being defensive or anything in this post, I'm just giving my point of view and trying to answer your many varied questions. I don't believe there is actually a right or wrong answer to all this. Sorry if it's a long post, it helps me to write it out.

To answer your question as to what WE'VE told the kids...that would be nothing.
We haven't spoken to them as a couple as she walked out and when I was at home with just my sons over Christmas, she only came round when they were out a couple of times.

What I'VE told them is exactly how it is. That their Mum isn't in love with me right now, and that I'll do whatever is appropriate to get our family back together. They know that ultimately, it's not my decision. They are totally aware of the situation...but also, yes, I told them we both loved them all and this is not their fault in any way.

I asked them all individually (including my daughter) what they thought about the idea of me moving out before I did and explained that it was so that their Mum didn't have to rent somewhere else and wife and daughter could come home.
I explained to them that it wasn't because I didn't want to live with them, and that it was more in the hope that she would have some time to think things through without physically moving on..or out. Similar to "losing the battle to win the war".

As we'd also had a similar episode (albeit for a shorter time) last year and we'd had some success in sorting things out, I was trying to both explain to them that I felt there was more chance of reconciling if I did that (it worked before) whilst also being honest with them that it may not be ok this time.

What SHE has told them is unknown to me.

To be honest, I'm trying my best not to ask them about what she's doing or saying (although I have talked to them about the situation in general so that they understand that my hope is reconciliation). I don't want to use them as spies or emotional pawns in any way. They've volunteered to talk about it a couple of times so of course, I listen.
My sons tell me that she's not really talking about it at all to them anyway.
Some things my daughter has said to me indicate that my wife has probably talked to her and is trying to convince her that this is what's best for her and for our family as a whole. This is obviously just what I'm reading into things so it may not be that that's the case.

I personally think the lessons they are learning are many. I'm not saying your take on it is wrong and it could be like that in some people's situation. It doesn't really fit ours though to be honest.

My wife is teaching them that it's right to be true to yourself and that if you don't feel right about something, change it or at least question it. I agree that they need to be aware that there sometimes are consequences for this self honesty, and they are aware of the hurt it causes, they're in the middle of it all.

I'm teaching them that you should be prepared to make sacrifices and do what you think is right for the things you want most in life, and for the ones you love.
Yes, that can be painful and not in your own best interests sometimes but that (in our situation) is the price of trying to save a marriage and family break-up.
Both of these are valuable lessons, it's obviously just a shame that they are both being taught at the same time as they are conflicting.

No, I don't think my wife is being drawn to me because I moved out. She knows that I've done it out of compassion for my wife and family and with a view to reconciliation. She didn't love me for almost 20 years because I was obstinate or somehow didn't stand up to her, it was in part, because of that willingness to do anything for my family. I honestly don't think she feels that I'm weak for not making her move out.

Maybe you're right that it would have been good for her to go it alone and feel the consequences more right now...I don't know. If I'd known this was all coming, I'd have been sure to get on here sooner and ask people's opinions. It's obviously down to what decision feels right when you're in the situation that you tend to go with.

The sad truth about your last paragraph is that she probably thinks both of those things. I'm sure she is tired of my recent behaviour, and also thinks there is someone better out there for her. There probably is. She says she's not wanting anyone else but I'm not naive. What I need to find out truthfully from her is which it is that's made her fall out of love with me....or is it actually both. It's difficult at the moment due to LRT...we are having NC at the moment.

I'll continue with the positive steps!!

Thanks again for your responses, I may not agree with all your views but I appreciate you taking the time to read my posts and let me know what you think.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: Barry] #2527144
01/15/15 12:57 AM
01/15/15 12:57 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
B
Barry Offline OP
Member
Barry  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
Thanks for reading my posts Sandi, Tarheel and Jim.

I realise of course that the possibility of cheating exists. If for no other reason though, she simply didn't have the time or opportunity pre separation to cheat. She was either working or with family. It's still not totally impossible I admit.
The chances that she has her eye on someone new is of course VERY real!

The thought of her with someone else makes me want to be physically sick. She's the only woman I've ever loved, and I'm the only man she's ever physically known....yes, to my knowledge I know.

To be fair, if there is an OM, she's not likely to volunteer that information to me unless it's to hurt me further and to try to kill off any hopes I may have.
I am of course trying to prepare myself for the worst whilst hoping for the best, that's really all I can do. I don't know how to cope with an OM should there be one, it would absolutely destroy me right now regardless of any preparation.

I really am trying to make changes for me, I also have to bear in mind that I may want/need to enter the dating game myself for the first time in a VERY long time if it all goes horribly wrong so a bit more self confidence will see me in good stead however things turn out. I certainly don't want that if it can at all be helped.
I literally have no interest in anyone other than my wife right now though and can't see myself getting over this any time soon if it does go wrong.

I just want her back frown


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: Barry] #2527568
01/15/15 10:44 PM
01/15/15 10:44 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
B
Barry Offline OP
Member
Barry  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
Just out of interest everyone, what exactly is it in my story that suggests she's cheating or has someone on the horizon? Is that just the usual scenario or is there something specific you've read that makes you think that?

I'm just curious as to if I'm missing something really obvious because I'm maybe trying to / needing to see it through rose tinted glasses.

As I say, all I know is that she certainly hasn't been that type of person for all these years.

Appreciate any feedback as always 😃


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: Barry] #2527761
01/16/15 12:15 PM
01/16/15 12:15 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
B
Barry Offline OP
Member
Barry  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
I'm really not coping well with this. I'm a broken man.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: Barry] #2527783
01/16/15 01:30 PM
01/16/15 01:30 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
UK
E
edz Offline
Member
edz  Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
UK
Hi Barry

firstly, sorry that you find yourself here but know its the best place you can be. You'll find a terrific bunch of people on this forum. You'll get great advice and sometimes you'll get a well needed 2x4 (I speak from experience). Read, post, listen, read again and keep posting.

Pop over to my thread for my full background generally though I've been where you are right now. In my case no evidence of OM still none, is there one? Don't think so but if there is W is hiding him in the attic, is she thinking about getting one? I don't know but she shows no signs of it.

Dont worry about you getting back into shape etc to date, way too early for you to be worrying about that regardless of the outcome of your sitch. Work on you, look back at what issues you brought to the R or you want to change for you or the kids and focus on those first and foremost. Also dont worry about what is in your w's mind, it will drive you mad and you cant change anything in there so dont try, work on you.

So.. the first thing you should do is get yourself stabilised. Feeling broken is understandable, I felt like that for a month solid then slightly less and so on.

You need to detach, a word you will hear again and again and then again then you'll hear it again.

This doesnt mean giving up, not caring, not loving her, not wanting to be back together or the 100 other things you will tell yourself as to why you're not detaching. It means you will do all of the above but you wont make drawing every breath in your day about missing her.

I understand you want her back and the heartache that brings you let alone your worry for the kids feelings, I want my W back and my family under one roof again but not the same as it was just before BD though (I assume you've caught up with all the abreviations theres a thread in newcomers on them - there are a lot!)

I may have not caught it yet, but did you read DB / DR yet? You'll get far more out of the forums if you do and they are very useful if you are stuck in your mind about something.

I'll read more on your sitch and post back later.

Breathe, relax, try to get into the GAL mind set and work out what 180s you'll put in place for *you* and the kids, dont do any of this with the intention of impressing your w or with thoughts on dating but simply for you and them, if w is to come back it wont be on your timescale this is a marathon.

Take it easy.

A quick edit, if you can see a counsellor (doesnt have to be a db one although you can do that over the phone) it helps, a lot, even if you go by yourself, or on the phone. You will find a lot more about you and about how you got here by doing so, thats the first step before you can get moving onward. Havent seen where you are yet and your location isnt showing on the side panel?

Edz

Last edited by edz; 01/16/15 01:33 PM.

M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: Barry] #2527816
01/16/15 02:36 PM
01/16/15 02:36 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,979
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,979
NY
Originally Posted By: Barry
Just out of interest everyone, what exactly is it in my story that suggests she's cheating or has someone on the horizon? Is that just the usual scenario or is there something specific you've read that makes you think that?

No one has a crystal ball or can tell the future.
There are no easy buttons here either.

Normally a woman does not leave one relationship without having another one in mind.

That being said does that mean it is guaranteed - NO but very likely.

Sometimes the relationship is a character in a book, a romance novel for instance.
You may never be as good a the HERO in a romance novel.
So with each scenario there are plus's and minuses.
The bad news when their is no affair partner the crisis takes much longer to burn itself out.
SO be careful what you wish for.

This is a marathon not a sprint,
my suggestion is to take things one day at a time,
one step at a time and learn as much as you can.

I have over 30 books read on these topics,
and really feel I could teach a PHD class on some subjects.

You can learn too.

Best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.

Knowledge is Power.


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: theoden] #2527830
01/16/15 03:06 PM
01/16/15 03:06 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 63
V
Vince H Offline
Member
Vince H  Offline
Member
V
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 63
Originally Posted By: theoden
Barry,

Sorry you are here.

1. If your wife isn't cheating, then you will have an easier go at this.

2. That being said, it sounds like she's cheating. The ILYBINILWY speech usually means she is in love with someone else OR she wants to be soon. It means that though you may be a good provider and father, you aren't the LOVER/PARTNER that she wants. And if she doesn't already have a new boyfriend, she's going to get one soon. She's putting her romantic happiness above the well-being of your children. That's what ILYBIMINWY speech REALLY means.

3. DO NOT MOVE OUT YOUR HOUSE. Why should you move if SHE's the one who wants to end the marriage? This also will work against you in custody hearings if you get a divorce. Let her get her own flat. She needs to feel consequences for her actions. Why are YOU paying the consequences for her decision to leave you. If she's leaving you, she needs to be doing the leaving. Let HER leave. Why should you leave?

4. Go see a divorce lawyer immediately. This doesn't mean you are going to file. It's to know your rights, and also to get advice on what not to do (like move out of your own home).

5. Give her space, work on yourself. Get some exercise and some hobbies. She needs to know that you are ready to move on IF SHE LEAVES.

--Theoden



Originally Posted By: theoden


People will abuse others until they face consequences.

How is unseating yourself as husband and paterfamilias good for anyone? Aren't you creating a vacancy for her current or potential boyfriend to fill?

OK...sermon over. ;-)

You said:

Quote:
I refuse to believe that she thinks that we're somehow incompatible...surely you don't spend 20 years with someone if that's even remotely the case??


Believe it. Or she wouldn't be wanting a separation/divorce. Incompatible, exhausting, hard-word, not fun, unromantic, etc. Either she's looking for relief from your horrible behavior OR she thinks she can do better. In most cases, when you get the ILYBINILWYA speeach, it's because they think they can do better.

On a positive note:

It's good to get positive.

It's good to get your game on.

It's good to enjoy life.

Keep that stuff up.

--Theoden


Best post ever, especially point 2 in regards to the ILYBINILWY speech. This is spot on. Great advice.

I know it's going to be hard but you have to GAL. Look at this as a blessing in disguise. Take this time to work on yourself. If she comes back she comes back, if she doesn't she doesn't. Either way you will be a better, stronger person at the end of all this. Stay positive.


Me:39 Her:35
Daughter: 6
Married: 11
Together: 13
D-day: 5.7.14
She left: 1.26.14
Status: Separated
Page 2 of 10 1 2 3 4 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004